Cue up the Barry Manilow and pop a bottle of strawberry shortcake-flavored sparkling wine! Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris’ unfrosted sugar cookie love was clearly stronger than some pussy problems and massage parlor drama, because they celebrated their 1st anniversary on Sunday. I can’t believe it either; it feels like just yesterday Taylor’s vise-grip arms wrapped themselves around Rita Ora’s leftovers.
Shockingly, the homecoming queen and king of Basic High didn’t celebrate their relationship milestone by slipping into some matching outfits and going for a walk in front of the paparazzi. Instead, they celebrated in the second-most Taylor way. Yesterday, Calvin Harris made a Snapchat video of his girlfriend of a year presenting him with a busted-looking homemade cake that announced their one year anniversary.
— Taylor Swift Updates (@SimplySFans) March 6, 2016
I am always here for cake, no matter how disgusting it may look. But that cake just made my stomach reach for the Pepto. It looks like Cindertaylor gave her mouse friends $20 and told them to get her some butter and flour at Whole Foods, but they pocketed the cash and grabbed some stuff from the dumpster behind Whole Foods instead.
Calvin wasn’t the only one to go full-social media cutesy on their anniversary. Taylor proved she’s still the humanoid version of a 13-year-old girl’s Pinterest board by Instagramming a picture of a gold heart-shaped locket with the date of their anniversary engraved on it.
Why do I get the feeling that one day in the near future I’ll be watching Taylor destroy a replica of that locked in the video for a sad breakup song called “One Year Down.” No, that won’t happen; Taylor and Calvin are clearly headed toward marriage. Can you imagine the kind of money she’d make off a post-divorce album?