It’s been two months since the Cuyler family’s long-lost human cousin Miley Cyrus hitched her coochie back up to Liam Hemsworth’s trouser pony. And in the time since, she’s gone harder than a meth head with a handful of Sudafed BOGO coupons to prove that she’s 100% committed to this whole back-with-her-ex thing. She bought the house next door to his. She’s been wearing her old engagement ring. Now a source tells UsWeekly that she’s doing everything in her power to convince him that she’s totally a Stepford Wifey now.
“She has been cooking and cleaning for Liam, waiting on him hand and foot. She wants to make sure she keeps him.”
Though Cyrus’ wild antics drove the pair apart in September 2013, she’s eager to show the Hunger Games star how she’s matured, going as far as ditching her party-loving entourage. “She either doesn’t answer their calls or says she’s not going out. Liam never liked that she got crazy, so Miley’s making big changes. She doesn’t want to screw it up.”
Poor Wayne Coyne. Who will he get random mid-life crisis tattoos with now?
I just pictured a forlorn Miley slowly walking to the end of her driveway with a box of inflatable unicorn dildos, a bag of unopened body slime, and her collection of weed leaf nipple pasties, setting it on the curb, then taking out a pasty and wiping a single tear from her eye. And now I’m sad.
You know, I’m not totally convinced that Miley has reformed her penis-wearing nipple-flashing horny stoner chipmunk ways. I wanna see the receipts. Show me a video of Miley cleaning the kitchen without humping the stove or pouring dirty mop water onto her bare nipples or pretending the handle of a Swiffer Sweeper is a super-long plastic dick. Only then will I believe it.