Hot Slut Of The Day!
The roller coaster ride of pure emotions that Chris Christie’s face took everyone on last night!
Hillary Clinton and Jabba the Hutt were technically the big winners of Super Fucked Up Tuesday, but really, nobody won the way that Chris Christie’s face won. Governor Christie has gone from presidential candidate to Donald Trump’s new bitch, and after his new master won state after state, he gave a speech. I watched last night, because I was hoping that Sarah Palin’s magnificent technicolor dream bolero would make an encore appearance, but I got something better. Once Chris Christie finished introducing Trump, he stood behind his new king and his face gave a more captivating performance than all of the Oscar nominees combined. I even hit the mute button at one point, because Trump’s verbal dingles got in the way of me fully enjoying the performance happening on Chris Christie’s face.
You know how in the old days of the Oscars, Debbie Allen used to choreograph a big number inspired by all of the Best Picture nominees? That’s what Chris Christie’s face gave us. Dude’s face served up the hostage drama of Room, the sweet young romance of Brooklyn, the “Motherfuck, all my human shit pootatoes are ruined” sadness of The Martian, etc… etc…
Chris Christie’s facial theatrics even united the people for a minute. Everybody stopped fighting over boring political crap to come together to make jokes about his facial expressions. Uproxx, Yahoo! and Gawker all have a collection of the “best tweets about Chris Christie’s face.” It seems like most thought a SWAT Team should crash through the ceiling and rescue Chris Christie because he looked like a hostage victim. I saw that, but I saw a lot more too. Sometimes Christ Christie looked like he was sitting next to Jim Bob Duggar during a Fox News interview about his son being a child toucher. Other times it looked like Chris Christie’s dinner digested too fast and he was trying hard to keep his ass cheeks together so that the prairie dog wouldn’t leave its hole. And other times he lovingly gazed at Trump like the dick is beyond good. Sometimes it was very “Disney villain and his sidekick.” I expected Chris Christie to bust out into, “No one fights like Don Trump, douses lights like Don Trump...” I think he also fell asleep with his eyes open a couple of times.
You’ve probably already seen it, but here’s all 30 minutes of it:
I knew that Chris Christie really won last night when I saw this:
Let's play a game: A dog or Chris Christie standing behind Trump for the last 30 minutes? pic.twitter.com/7W39nXcfyU
— Andrew Kirell (@AndrewKirell) March 2, 2016
When your facial expression makes someone conjure up the memory of national treasure STAINS, you did good!