When I first read the news this morning that Nickelodeon is “rebooting” their 90s game show Legends of the Hidden Temple, I nearly jumped up and did the Tootsee Roll out of excitement. (The only way to celebrate the news of the return of a 90s game show is to bust out some 90s moves.) Usually reading the word “reboot” makes me want to call the police department to file a report against Hollywood for viciously murdering another piece of our childhoods, but this one I was actually excited for. I did wonder if kids nowadays even have time to be on a game show in between bullying each other on SnapChat and begging their parents to let them get Fix-A-Flat lip injections like Kylie Jenner. And then I read the actual article at Variety…
In case you have no idea what LOTHT was, it was a game show for kids that ran from 1993 to 1995 on Nickelodeon and it starred former HSOTD Olmec the giant talking stone head. Variety says that Nickelodeon isn’t bringing it back as a game show. They’re using the premise of the game show and its name for a TV movie for kids. The hell? Kids today don’t know Legends of the Hidden Temple from Finders Keepers, but yet Nickelodeon thinks they can just use its name for some shitty TV movie. Eat green shit, Nickelodeon! May that stupid Shrine of the Silver Monkey puzzle haunt them forever.
Here’s the hurtful details from Variety, and yes, Nickelodeon is also doing a two-part Hey Arnold! movie too.
The TV movie, slated to appear in the fourth quarter of 2016, will nod to other elements from the original show, including Olmec, a talking head who knows the secrets behind the temple; the Steps of Knowledge, the entrance to the temple and launching pad for the mission; and cameos from a green monkey, red jaguar and silver snakes, among others. Isabela Moner, known from her role on Nick’s “100 Things to Do Before High School,” will star.The TV movie is directed by Joe Menendez and written by Jonny Umansky, Zach Hyatt, and Alex Reid. The “Arnold” movies are slated to appear in 2017.
How dare Nickelodeon tease our fragile emotions like this.
What those evil whores at Nickelodeon should’ve done is launch an all-new channel called Nick Sr. where they’d air revivals of game shows from the 90s. Kids wouldn’t compete on the game shows. Us tricks who didn’t get to compete on them back then, would get to compete on them today. They’d make many 30-something dreams come true! But you know, I wouldn’t compete. Nope. Part of being a grown means that you have to pay for your own health insurance. That also means that you have to pay your crazy deductible when you break your fucking leg after falling out of the Pit of Despair while competing on the revival of Legends of the Hidden Temple.