Jennifer Garner already kicked Ben Affleck’s phoenix tattoo in the dick with a very simple “bless his heart,” and now it’s the other Jennifer’s turn to barf all over it.
One half of Bennifer 1.0 was on Watch What Happens Live last night and during a game of Plead the Fifth, Andy Cohen asked JLo to give her thoughts on the humongous phoenix tattoo that the definition of “mid-life crisis” shat up all over Ben’s back. JLo isn’t the one to be giving reviews on tattoos since her current rent-to-own piece, Casper the Friendly Gold Digger, has Marc Anthony’s face inked into his arm, but she did anyway. And anybody who has the ability to see would agree with her.
JLo said in so many words that if Ben Affleck’s back tattoo was a movie, it would be Gigli.
“It’s aaaaawfuuuuul! I would tell him that. Like, what are you doing? It has too many colors. His tattoos always have too many colors. They shouldn’t be so colorful. You know what I mean? They should be, like, cooler. I don’t know.”
“Wait, Sugar Mami JLo doesn’t like it too colorful? Darnit!” said Casper Smart before ripping up the really colorful picture he drew for JLo on the playroom craft table next to the Dragon Tales twins. But really, Ben Affleck’s tattoo isn’t supposed to be cool. It’s the stamp of a mid-life crisis. It’s supposed to be the equivalent of gold bumper nutz hanging off of a bright yellow Corvette that’s blasting a song from that hot new “band” Skillrex. Since JLo is always about branding, you’d think her ass would clap for Ben Affleck since he’s so on brand with that tattoo.
Since all of Ben Affleck’s pieces have been asked about his busted tattoo, I’m sure Goopy Paltrow will soon talk about it. And since she always has to stay insufferable, I’m sure she’ll say that she absolutely adores it, because it reminds her of herself rising out of the organic and artisanal ashes as the preservatives-filled peasant haters try to bring her down.
And here’s the clip of JLo playing Plead the Fifth while dressed in Ginger from Casino cosplay. Come for the back tattoo hate, stay for JLo trying to act like she’s cool with Mimi.
“She’s aaaaawfuuuuul!” is what JLo really meant to say about the unicorn rainbow one.