When Leonardo DiCaprio’s biggest wet dream finally came true last night, it was bittersweet for me. While it’s nice to see his undeniable thirst finally get quenched, I was sad to say goodbye to the Susan Lucci jokes that never got old. (“Um, those jokes died of old age and were completely eaten by the worms a long time ago.” – everyone but me) But thanks to the Internet pulling its shoulder muscles by reaching so damn hard, the jokes live on for another day.
During Leo’s speech last night, some noticed that he was using his “fuck you” finger to hold an envelope. Thanks to that, the “Leonardo DiCaprio Tells The Academy To Fuck Off” headlines were immediately born! Sure, that may be how Leo holds shit, but since made-up drama makes me forget my boring life, I’m going to choose to believe that he was subtly telling all of us to eat his fuck for making fun of his dehydrated ass and was also flipping off the Academy for taking so long to finally honor his greatest. I’m also going to choose to believe that somewhere in the Academy Awards rule book is this line:
– If a winner disrespects the Academy by flipping them off while on stage, their win will be voided and their trophy will go to the runner-up. They will also be banned from the ceremony FOREVER!
If that happened, Leonardo and his golden soulmate would flee to Switzerland where they’d change their names, change their looks (Oscar would get plastic surgery to look like something nobody notices, such as a People’s Choice Award) and secretly live together forever in a small farm town somewhere.
And if you want to see how much Leonardo loves his Oscar, here’s a video of hearts practically forming on his eyeballs as he watches his name get engraved on it. It’s like watching a possessive boyfriend smile with his pride as his girlfriend gets his name tattooed on her tit. It’s also like watching a brand new husband stare at his brand new wife as she gets out of her wedding dress in their hotel room right before getting it on as husband and wife. Leo has a twinkle in his eye that says, “The things I’m going to do to you tonight, baby”
— Variety (@Variety) February 29, 2016
At around the 0:49 mark, it looks and sounds like Leonardo’s saying, “My wife is here.” Awww, he’s already calling Oscar his wife and they’re not married yet. The ceremony is this weekend in Santa Barbara.