Who needs Gatorade or menudo or IV drip therapy when you’ve got a bitchy verbal slap from Dustin Lance Black to temporarily cure your hangover. When I pulled my post-Oscar hungover carcass out of bed this morning, I was fully ready to get my mashed-up brains sort of working again by freebasing, butt chugging and guzzling coffee at the same time. But I didn’t need to do that, because Dustin Lance Black telling Sam Smith to step off his man on Twitter, pulled me out of my hangover haze for a minute.
Because the theme of last night’s Oscar wins was blander than bland, Sam Smith and his writing partner Jimmy Napes (seen above with him) won the Oscar for Best Song for their coma-inducing James Bond theme. If you had to sleep with cotton balls stuffed in your ear holes to keep the blood from dripping out and staining your pillow case, you most likely listened to Sam Smith’s performance of “Writing’s On The Wall” on the Oscars last night. It made ears cry tears of blood. Sam Smith also hated his performance. But what’s really getting a lot of hate today is Sam Smith’s acceptance speech. While accepting his Oscar, Sam sort of declared himself as the first openly gay dude to ever get his hands around Oscar. This is what Sam, who is looking more and more like a grown Harry Potter ventriloquist dummy, said:
“I read an article a few months ago by Sir Ian McKellen and he said that no openly gay man had ever won an Oscar. And if this is the case, even if it isn’t the case, I want to dedicate this to the LGBT community all around the world. I stand here tonight as a proud gay man and I hope we can all stand together as equals one day.”
That was wrong for 2 reasons: 1. Sir Ian actually said that an openly gay ACTOR has never won and he corrected a trick on Twitter. 2. Several openly gay men have won an Oscar before including Dustin Lance Black who won an Oscar in 2009 for the screenplay he wrote for Milk. (You may also know DLB as the dude whose bareback fuck pictures were leaked to the Internet by a vengeful bitch in 2009 as well.) Well, hell hath no fury like an openly gay Oscar winner who gets snubbed by an easy listening Boy George. DLB let a bitch have it on Twitter and also added a dig that took me up, up and away. DLB let everyone know that Sam Smith is texting his fiancé Tom Daley. The only way this tweet could’ve been better is if DLB threw in a link to Nivea’s “Don’t Mess With My Man.”
— Dustin Lance Black (@DLanceBlack) February 29, 2016
Sam Smith didn’t respond to that wonderful messiness, but he did continue to show that he doesn’t know how Google works by saying at Vanity Fair’s Oscar after-party that he believes he’s the second openly gay man who has won an Oscar. He’s still wrong.
This whole thing is some “Kenya vs. Phaedra and Apollo from Real Housewives of Atlanta” shit.
I love it when a trick gets messy and goes after an alleged home wrecker wannabe in public, but that tweet only won DLB a silver medal in pettiness. If he really wants the gold, he needs to cough up the receipts. What did Sam Smith text to the diving buff twink? Did Sam try to woo Tom by texting a video of him yodeling out an acoustic version of “He Can’t Love U“? Or did Sam Smith text him a dick pic. If it’s the last one, I need to see it. And yes, I’m asking to see a Sam Smith dick pic. I’m about as pervy and desperate as DLB is shady and petty.