Oscars Open Post: Hosted By The Oscars’ Resident Red Carpet Troll King

February 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Hey, since the Oscars Open Post goes up before anybody shows up, my choice for OP host was either: Giuliana Rancic or the Botoxed wax toad figurine that is Ryan Seacrest. I have to take what I can get. Although, I will slow clap for Ryan, because his rouge game is next level.

My living room is filled with an IV drip full of vodka, a freshly-cleaned vaporizer, a baggie of the good shit and half of the Smart + Final’s frozen snacks section, and that could mean only one thing: It’s Sunday night and that’s how I usually spend every Sunday night. But this Sunday night is the White Hollywood Appreciation Ceremony (aka the Oscars), so yeah, I probably should’ve prepared a second IV drip full of vodka, because this night is going to be longer than the line of naked skinny blonde models that the Pussy Posse™ will give to Leonardo “Susan Lucci” DiCaprio as a gift for finally winning.

You know, nominations-wise, this may be one of the most boring and predictable Oscars ever. DiCatchAHo’s obviously going to win. Brie Cheese Larson is going to win. Alicia Vikander is probably going to win unless the voters really want to see Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet reunited by OSCUH! And Sylvester Stallone is most likely going to get an Oscar too, which I don’t mind, really, because I hope he says in his acceptance speech that his stunningly exquisite mother Jackie Stallone predicted it years ago when she read his nalgas. But while the winners may be boring, I hope that Chris Rock sets fire to our souls by roasting the shit out of #OscarsSoWhite.

I also predict that there will be approximately 450 standing ovations since those bitches stand for anything. I also predict that our generation’s Lucille Ball, Jennifer Lawrence, will “trip” on a rope causing an anvil to fall from the rafters and land on her head (because she’s so zany and klutzy!). And lastly, I predict that I will dick punch the screen and scream my tonsils off after those incompetent Oscar skanks fail to properly pay homage to Vanity, the star of The Last Dragon and Action Jackson, by not doing a 45-minute tribute featuring Prince, Taimak and Sharon Stone.

I will drunkenly throw up some Oscar foolery tonight. But tomorrow, Allison, Martin and I will cover most of it. That’s if we make it out alive!

Pics: Getty

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