Fuller House came out on Netflix at midnight last night and I had planned to stay up to watch at least one episode, but a strange thing that happens almost every night happened: I passed out in a Nutella and chardonnay coma at around 10. Yes, Nutella and chardonnay. If I had a Chelsea Handler book on my chest and a fluffy white dog named Coco Rose passed out next to me, I’d officially be a middle-aged divorcee. I haven’t watched Fuller House yet, but I can always count on Twitter to give me the information I really need, like how the show deals with the Olsens wanting nothing to do with it.
As anybody who has been following this saga knows, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen dropped a double load of troll farts on the possibility of shooting a cameo for Fuller House. They decided that they’re done with the acting game for now and they’d like to focus on making $65,000 elephant leather jumpsuits for rich ladies. The producers even tried to get their little sister Elizabeth Olsen to do it. That didn’t pan out, obviously. They had to come up with some kind of explanation as to why Michelle Tanner is nowhere to be seen. They should’ve just said that Michelle disowned the family and is now living in the dark part of the woods where she survives on eating the souls of unsuspecting campers. We all know that’s what really happened to Michelle Tanner. But they went with the truth instead. During the first episode, Danny Tanner says that Michelle is busy running her fashion empire in NYC and then they all throw some face shade:
— Ale Santana (@AleeSntn) February 26, 2016
The true star of the show Kimmy Gibbler even makes an Olsens joke. Kimmy’s daughter buys a dress from the Olsens’ label and she looks at the price tag before saying, “At these prices, no wonder they don’t need to act anymore.”
Since the Olsens lost their ability to find things funny when they sold their soul to Lucifer for their fashion empire, they probably didn’t laugh at those jokes. I hope DJ , Stephanie, Danny, Joey, Aunt Becky and Uncle Jesse like the faces they threw at the camera, because soon their faces are going to be frozen like that for the rest of eternity. The Olsens are going to invite the cast over for a congratulatory dinner and when they all least expect it, Mary-Kate and Ashley will use their Medusa-like powers to turn them into stone. They’re going to pay for this!
And here’s a few pictures of KIMMY GIBBLER (and some others you don’t care about) at the Fuller House premiere party last week.