If I would’ve known that something called The Gronk’s Party Ship was happening before it happened, I still wouldn’t have packed a duffle bag full of antibiotics and jumped aboard, but I’m still glad it happened, because it has gifted my eyes with many bro jewels.
Rob Gronkowski, the hot douche meathead from the New England Patriots, hosted a 3-day booze cruise to the Bahamas this past weekend and if you know of The Gronk, it went exactly the way you’d think it went. Everybody was pretty much shit-faced the entire time, they were entertained by Flo Rida, Waka Flaka Flame and Redfoo from LMFAO, The Gronk offered a couple $10,000 to fuck in front of everyone and another couple got engaged on the ship. Nice try, second couple, but getting engaged on The Gronk cruise isn’t as nearly as romantic as fucking in front of everyone on The Gronk cruise.
If you put a magnifying glass over a Jäger shot sitting in the belly button of a Spring Breaker covered in body glitter, you’d see scenes from The Gronk’s booze cruise. It was like a bro’s heaven. There were probably more crabs on the boat than in the sea below them. Deadspin, ESPN and The Boston Globe all have a rundown of The Gronk’s booze cruise, but here’s something that happened. The Gronk served up drunken moves with Flo Rida’s back-up dancers. He looks like a methed-up Baby Huey trying to put out a fire on the ground as red ants attack his ass and dick.
But the best part of The Gronk’s party cruise is that most of the ship had no idea what was going on. 700 people were part of The Gronk’s cruise and the other 1,600 people on the ship thought they were going on a regular, boring sail to the Bahamas. They had no idea that they were about to be trapped in a floating Spring Break nightmare. The mixture of random old people mixed with Gronk fans produced this beautiful moment:
— James Reed (@jreedwrites) February 20, 2016
Grandmas getting down + bros in bucket hats with hot moves + Montell Jordan + a half-empty dance floor = me channeling Old Rose by saying, “The Gronk Party Cruise was the ship of dreams….”
Pic: Boston Globe/Getty