Justin Bieber Wants You To Know He Totally Could Have Beat Up The People Who Kicked Him Out Of Tulum
Justin Bieber, who totally looks like the kind of dude you meet on Tinder who says he “works in fashion” and then two days later you catch his ass fluffing sweaters at H&M in that picture above, recently spoke to GQ about a bunch of things. One of which was that time back in January when he acted like a piece of garbage at the Mayan ruins and got kicked out of Tulum. Or wherever he thinks it happened, because according to Justin: “I forget where it was. It wasn’t Tulum.” I’d say that’s our cue to add My First Maps to Bieber’s Amazon wish list, but it would be a waste. At this age, all he’s gonna do is chew the corners and spill apple juice on the pages.
On how Justin Bieber is a super-tough guy who totally didn’t do anything wrong that day, unless you count thinking about how easy it would be to drop-kick the people asking you to leave:
“Me and my boys have been doing this thing where we moon each other whenever we take a picture. So [my friend] went to take my picture, and I mooned him. And I guess [the guards] thought that I was being disrespectful to the site or whatever. That’s not what I was doing. I immediately was like, ‘Man, I didn’t mean any disrespect…,’ but they weren’t really having it. They were like, ‘No! You—this disrespectful!’ I said, ‘All right, cool—we’ll bounce.’ So I just walked out. I just knew it would escalate into something else. The dudes that were escorting us were like four feet tall, and I just wanted to… The old Bieber came back, and I wanted to smack them around a little bit. But I realized, you know what, obviously it looked bad, and it was disrespectful, because I was in their sacred area, showing my ass and stuff. But it was all in good fun.”
“Toddler, please” scoffed the ghost of Pacal. Besides, as if they’d fight him back. As far as I know, it’s still frowned upon to hit someone elses kid. Justin’s interview is long and you can read it all here. But here are some of the better parts.
On how “Sorry” wasn’t actually Justin’s apology to the world for being such a little brat: “People ran with that—that I was, like, apologizing with the song and stuff. It really had nothing to do with that. No. It was about a girl.”
On how he totally didn’t abandon Mally the Pet Monkey on purpose, it just sort of…happened?: “In Germany, that monkey’s endangered or something…but I had the papers. I even had it written out that he was a circus monkey and he could travel and all that shit. I had all the right papers. Things get twisted. Everyone told me not to bring the monkey. I was like, ‘It’s gonna be fine, guys!’ It was (he shuts his eyes) the farthest thing from fine.”
On how all pet monkeys should probably go into hiding now, because he would totally consider adopting another one in the future: “Yeah, one day. Just gotta make sure I got a house and it stays in the fucking house. I’m not gonna bring him to Germany or travel with it anymore. People are always like, ‘Why did you get a monkey?’ If you could get a monkey, well, you would get a fucking monkey, too! Monkeys are awesome.”
On how he’s keeping it casual with Stephen Baldwin’s daughter for the time being in case something better comes along: “Right now in my life, I don’t want to be held down by anything. I already have a lot that I have to commit to. A lot of responsibilities. I don’t want to feel like the girl I love is an added responsibility. So now I’m just more so looking at the future, making sure I’m not damaging them. What if Hailey ends up being the girl I’m gonna marry, right? If I rush into anything, if I damage her, then it’s always gonna be damaged. It’s really hard to fix wounds like that.”
On how God is his best friend: “I feel like that’s why I have a relationship with Him, because I need it. I suck by myself. Like, when I’m by myself and I feel like I have nothing to lean on? Terrible. Terrible person. If I was doing this on my own, I would constantly be doing things that are, I mean, I still am doing things that are stupid, but… It just gives me some sort of hope and something to grasp onto, and a feeling of security, and a feeling of being wanted, and a feeling of being desired, and I feel like we can only get so much of that from a human.”
Why do I get the feeling that Justin Bieber’s relationship with God is totally the kind of friendship that involves Justin running into God at the grocery store, God giving Justin an awkward hug, Justin suggesting they hang out sometime, God saying “Yeah, totally!“, Justin saying “How about Wednesday?“, God mumbling something about a doctor’s appointment before hauling ass to his car and sighing “Fuck, that was close.”
Here’s more of Justin Bieber looking like Johnny Bravo’s baby brother in GQ.