Somewhere, Leonardo DiCatchAHo is sitting on a stool (read: a skinny naked blonde model on all fours) and is nervously laughing into a morning cup of coffee served by his butler (read: a skinny naked blonde model wearing only white gloves) as he watches Funny or Die’s Donald Trump spoof on his TV (read: a skinny naked blonde model holding an iPad in front of him), because he knows if it was an actual movie that came out in the theaters in December, the Oscar would elude his ass AGAIN. That Oscar would go to Johnny Depp who has given his greatest performance since Cry-Baby!
Funny or Die told The New York Times that they shot this 50-minute-long TV movie-of-the-week parody of Jabba the Trump’s advice book The (F)Art Of The Deal in December, but they’ve been waiting for the perfect time to release it. They decided that today was the perfect day to release it after Trump won the New Hampshire primary last night thanks to thousands of cats in human costumes who voted for him because they know that if he becomes president humanity will be destroyed and their reign as the most powerful creatures in the country will begin.
Opie Taylor introduces the fake movie as a recently discovered 80s biopic that was shelved after it was preempted by a football game and Trump refused to release it. It stars Johnny as Trump, Michaela Watkins as Ivana Trump, Patton Oswalt as Merv Griffin, Henry Winkler as Ed Koch, the boy from Room, ALF!!! and a bunch of others. The dialogue is spot-on, that 1980s VHS patina is perfect and the only thing it’s missing is an FBI warning at the beginning.
But Johnny Depp as Jabba the Trump steals every shot with his terrifying face. He looks like a pus-engorged boil on Jiminy Glick’s taint. He looks like a dingle stuck to a cat’s ass hairs. He looks like a lost Dick Tracy villain that was rejected for being too scary looking. What I’m trying to say is that he looks better than the real thing.
And yes, yes I’d hit it while wearing a low-budget Ivana wig.