Thanks For The Post-Super Bowl Nightmares, Doritos

February 8, 2016 / Posted by:

Okay, to be fair, the majority of my post-Super Bowl nightmares came from the pizza I ordered from Dominos last night that looked like it had been fucked by the Noid. But the cheez-obsessed fetus from Doritos’ 2016 Super Bowl commercial came a very close second.

I’m sure if Beyonce had it her way, the only commercial that would have aired during the Super Bowl last night was her tour announcement after the halftime show. But I guess the media department at CBS weren’t swayed by the box of Red Lobster coupons that were couriered over from The Beyoffice, because they aired a bunch of other commercials as well. In the event you spent most of your commercial breaks filling up a deflated football with vodka, can watch most of them here. The most WTF of which came courtesy of Doritos. Warning: If the image of a CGI baby hauling ass through a vagina gives you the nopes, then you might want to watch the Heinz commercial with the wiener dogs dressed up in little hot dog costumes instead.

Not surprisingly, the internet wasn’t living for Doritos’ nacho nightmare baby. It also caused some dislocated shoulders from reaching up to the “Is this about abortion?” shelf. Well, one thing is for sure: At least now I’m prepared in the event my Doritos-addicted ass ever gets knocked-up. This commercial is my What To Expect When You’re Expecting. Except in my case there won’t be any need for an ultrasound machine, since all the radioactive orange cheese dust in my gut will illuminate the baby from the inside out.

Coming in a close second in the CGI Babies That Shouldn’t Exist countdown that nobody’s eyes asked for, Mnt Dew Kickstart’s Puppymonkeybaby.

What in the name of David Lynch-meets-Dr. Moreau-meets-Burgerstein from Pig Goat Banana Cricket is that??? It’s like a puppy who was suspended from the Puppy Bowl for testing pawsitive for Snausage abuse fell into the gene-splicing machine from The Fly with the Doritos Fetus and Miley Cyrus’ Mountain Dew-fetchin’ helper monkey.

It’s pretty obvious what is happening here. Puppymonkeybaby, Dorito Fetus, the creepy-faced roller skating Evian babies, the dead kid from last year’s Nationwide commercial, the Snickers Lady…I’m pretty sure this is all part of one long teaser for American Horror Story: Advertising. Oh Ryan Murphy, you clever bitch.

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