I only know the name Cam Newton, because I am a devoted follower of glamour that makes b-holes pucker and he has shown us time and time again that his personal style falls somewhere between “Zoolander’s back-up stylist” and “security guard at the Roberto Cavalli boutique in Moscow who works part-time as a Russian pimp.” Cam isn’t only the walking definition of demure male elegance, he’s also the quarterback for the Carolina Panthers. Cam wore that “Liberace’s accountant” ensemble while showing up to play in the Super Bowl yesterday, and well, those sparkles on his magical loafers probably aren’t sparkling anymore.
In case the mixture of 50 gallons of beer, 28 pounds of deep fried cheese, Coldplay’s presence and boring football shit put you into a coma, which you didn’t come out of until this morning, I’ll tell you that the Panthers lost against the Broncos. Players have to speak to reporters after the game whether they won or lost. It’s a hard job but someone has to get paid millions upon millions of dollars to do it.
Because Cam Newton’s team lost, he had to sit in a chair and listen to reporters ask him what went wrong, why is he such a loser and why does his team suck horse nuts and so on and so on. Cam should’ve done a Marshawn Lynch and said, “I’m just here so I won’t get fined.” Instead, Cam sat there all glum-like while spitting out short answers before he quit that bitch by walking off.
Some sites said that Betty White’s Dab protege STORMED OUT of the press conference, so I was expecting some real theater! I mean, Cam Newton dresses like a gay hairdresser in a telenovela, so I thought he was going to give us some Neely O’Hara-approved messiness while storming out. But no, he just walked off.
Apparently, Cam exited stage left because he overheard one of the Broncos telling a reporter how his team beat Cam Newton. Whatever, fuck the Broncos, because I’m sure that none of them took breaths away while showing up to the after-party in a Givenchy leather skirt.