Archives: February 2016

Night Crumbs

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

The new trailer for that High-Rise movie has an almost naked Tom Hiddleston in it. I’m assuming the prop department knew how crazy the Hiddlestoners can get and destroyed his dick-covering cloth. Because I didn’t see anything in the news about how a Hiddlestoner stole it from a warehouse and married it in a beautiful ceremony – Lainey Gossip 

You already knew this, but Johnny Depp confirmed that he passed his cheese stick of a peen to Amber Heard while he was still with Gappy – Celebitchy

Nicole Kidman’s nipples don’t look like tiny icicles here, so this is obviously the work of CGI magic – The Nip Slip 

Lisa Rinna and Yolanda Foster had a Twitter fight, because for every Twitter fight they have, Andy Cohen slides a stack of money their way – Reality Tea 

I see that Katie Holmes is a 100% human again and no longer has Scientology microchips in her brain – The Superficial 

Goopy Paltrow and her self-proclaimed butt of a 22-year-old stripper did a photo shoot – Drunken Stepfather

Carmen Electra is so 2006 looking and I love it – Hollywood Tuna 

Lana Del Rey’s new video makes it look like being in a 70s cult was really, really boring – OMG Blog

Try not to look too shocked when it’s announced that James Franco will star in, write, direct, produce, do the music, do the costumes and be the main fluffer on the Tom of Finland biopic – Towleroad

Kaley Cuoco’s Givenchy slide sandals probably cost a week’s worth of my rent. Trick should be saving money for her next divorce settlement and made her own by writing the name “Givenchy” in Wite-Out on a pair of $1 slide sandals from the 99 Cent Store. They probably would’ve looked hotter too – IDLYITW

FYI: Alison Brie probably didn’t wear chonies to the How To Be Single premiere in London – Popoholic

Kanye West changed the name of his album to The Life Of Pablo and I’m guessing that Pablo is what he calls his booty hole – Just Jared

Sharon Stone was once a lucky bitch who got to ride the Silver Spoons train – SOW

Um, can I just buy all the tiles that Joan Collins’ feet touched? – Jezebel

Sorry parents of little kids, but soon they’ll be splitting your nerves even more by begging you to take them to Frozen on Broadway – HuffPo

Ryan Reynolds’ PR team got him another People Magazine title that means shit – Popsugar


Kate Winslet Loves Her Soulmate Leonardo DiCaprio Too Much To Boycott The Oscars

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Just in case you were thinking to yourself, “Hmmm, I wonder if Kate Winslet is going to join the #OscarsSoWhite boycott,” she’s not. Kate Winslet says she will be at the Oscars this year to support women and also because she knows that this is the year that the Susan Lucci of millionaire movie actors will finally get his paws around Oscar. Kate says she wants to be there when Leonardo DiCatchAHo wins, because he’s her bestest best friend. Ugh, these two and they’re sickly sweet talk. If they keep it up, I’m going to start to wish that door broke and Rose sunk to the bottom of the ocean with Jack. Here’s what Kate said after the BBC asked her if she’s joining the boycott:

“To be honest with you, it has been such an extraordinary year for women, I’d feel like I was letting my side down if I didn’t go. And also I feel very strongly that it may possibly be Leo’s year. And he is my closest friend in the world and I just couldn’t imagine not being there to support him.”

I would say that they need to stop and get married already, but Kate Winslet is 20 years too old and not skinny enough for him. So I hope Kate Winslet wakes up as a 22-year-old blonde skinny model who never ages and never gains weight so she and her soulmate can get married and be together forever. But seriously, even if Kate woke up as a Victoria’s Secret model, he’d still dump her after 6 months.

Pic: Getty

Pauley Perrette Says She Had A “Weird” Encounter With Another Homeless Dude

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Last November, Pauley Perrette (who is in your memaw’s favorite show NCIS and is my rockabilly cousin’s bangs idol) said that a mentally ill homeless man jumped her in front of her house in Hollywood, CA. Pauley said that the man punched her and threatened to send her to the afterworld. Pauley was able to get away and the man was later arrested for felony assault. Well, Pauley claims that she went through another scary situation with a homeless man and it ended with her going God Warrior on him. (Side note: God Warrior’s full Trading Spouses episode is on YouTube now. It’s the greatest thing that has happened to the Internet.)

Just like she did the last time she was attacked, Pauley told the tale on Twitter. Pauley was in her car and was stopped on a street in Hollywood when she noticed a homeless man asking for money. When she handed him a dollar through her window, she says he grabbed her wrist, held her arm and put his head in her car before asking her what time it was. Pauley could’ve tasered his face but she decided to hit him with Jesus talk instead.


Pauley says she’s fine but the whole thing was just really weird. A witness tells Entertainment Tonight that they saw the homeless man grab Pauley. The witness also claims the homeless man got aggressive with a person in another car. But when the person in the other car gave him money, he ran away.

For some reason, people are always asking me for the time and I never ever wear a watch. I usually pull out and my phone and say, “It’s 5:37.” But thanks to Pauley, I’m now going to say, “I rebuke you Satan in the name of Jesus Christ. It’s 5:37.


Tori Spelling’s Drunk Alter Ego Is A Public Pissing Fiend Named Terri

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Thanks to a preview of tonight’s episode of Kocktails With Khloe, a show that won’t be followed by the words “…has been kancelled” for at least 15 more episodes, I can now add one more reason to the ever-growing list of why I kurse the Kardashian name. And that reason has to do with the fact that I now have a mental picture of a sloppy Tori Spelling popping a squat and using her living room carpet like a litter box assaulting my brain.

In a clip from tonight’s episode, Tori admits that when Tori gets drunk, she turns into Terri. According to Tori, Terri – which is short for TerriTORI, because EVERYTHING is a tori pun with this trick – is a fucking mess who pisses under the table and in potted plants. Basically, Terri is the poor (and I mean poor) man’s Jennifer Lawrence.

Somewhere there’s an incontinent Cocker Spaniel who is thinking: “Bitch stole my look AND my moves? Rude.

Tori claims Terri doesn’t come out that often because she has kids. But I bet it’s because she needs to stay sober enough to make sure The Deaner’s drunk alter ego, The Wiener, doesn’t cause too much damage. It’s really not that tough of a job; she just has to have an extra set of pants ready for when he wakes up in the shed after a night of pounding brewskis and realizes he’s pissed himself. “Aw shit, looks like The Wiener struck again! Tori, do me a favor and grab the garden hose? I wanna rinse off real quick.

Open Post: Hosted By Justin Theroux As Evil DJ

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Whenever I see the name “Evil DJ” I think it’s the nickname the cast of Full House called Candace Cameron behind her back. It probably was/is.

At the Zoolander 2 premiere in NYC last night, Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Will Ferrell and Penelope Cruz walked the purple carpet in character. That was part of the premiere everyone there called the “This Is An Embarrassing Mess, Let’s Go To The Open Bar” portion of the night. Justin Theroux helped write Zoolander 2 and his character from the first one is in it, so he also hopped (or whatever you call what he’s doing) down the runway. It was some real “Um, you’re a millionaire and you’re married to a multi-multi-millionaire so you don’t need to do this crap for a check” shit.

Evil DJ always looks like Linda Perry circa 1994 if Linda Perry circa 1994 was styled by Kevin Federline using shit from Riff Raff’s closet. When I first saw these pictures, I wondered what in the hell happened to Jason Castro and then I wondered why in the hell do I remember Jason Castro.

And I hope they cover this look on Fashion Police, because I really to see Giuliana Rancic’s lollipop head shake and pop off while she tries to figure out what to say about his dreads.


Things Dean Sheremet Has Learned: LeAnn Rimes Doesn’t Like It When You Talk About Her In Your Cook Book

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

The final nail (Eddie Cibrian’s penis) was hammered into the coffin of LeAnn Rimes and Dean Sheremet’s marriage way way back in 2009. Since then, Dean keeps finding new ways to bring up her name and remind us all that he was once the Jennifer Aniston to LeAnn and Eddie’s Lifetime-budget Brangelina. The most recent of which has been writing about his dead relationship with LeAnn in a new cook book called Eat Your Heart Out.

You’d think a shameless attention whore like LeAnn would respect Dean’s hustle, but no. Unfortunately for Dean, LeAnn wasn’t a fan of such a tacky stunt, and InTouch says she released her lawyers on him. Dean tells InTouch he received a letter from LeAnn’s lawyers about a week before the release of Eat Your Heart Out on February 8th reminding him about the Marital Settlement Agreement he signed in 2009 and warned him to keep his mouth shut.

The letter also states that LeAnn’s lawyers didn’t pursue legal action when he ran his mouth off about their marriage last year. But they decided to get involved this time because it sounded like his cook book might spill some confidential information and violate the terms of their agreement. And if the Amazon description is any indication, yeah, it probably does.

The letter goes on to say that LeAnn doesn’t want to come between Dean and a check, but she will if that money is made by dragging her name through a recipe for chicken tetrazzini.

In reponse to LeAnn’s letter, Dean folded his arms, rolled his eyes, and hissed at LeAnn for making this all about herself.

“I just don’t get it. She already killed my happiness the first time around. [It’s like], ‘Move on already, LeAnn. I’ve moved on!'”

Dean then added: “I’m on people’s radar because of my past with her. I can’t erase my past; I referred to it and was very respectful. I’m not the one who cheated.” Did you hear that, LeAnn? He’s over it, okay! And if you need any more information on just how over it he is, please turn to the chapter in his cook book titled: Meals To Cook For Yourself While Your Wife Is Out Banging Eddie Cibrian.


News That’ll Make Your Sex Parts Scream Yes: Idris Elba Is Single

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

As Idris Elba’s scorned ex-piece K. Michelle wonders, “Maybe I should call,” b-holes and pussies that don’t have a chance in hell with him are howling “Hallelujah!” Because apparently, the piping hot piece of British man meat and noted ho Idris Elba is no longer with his girlfriend and the mother of his second baby. I know, I didn’t know that the woman whose body and face I replaced with mine in pictures was his girlfriend. But she’s not anymore.

43-year-old Idris and 28-year-old Naiyana Garth started doing each other full-time in 2013. Idris knocked her up very early into their relationship and she gave birth to their son Winston in 2014. The Sun says that Idris has moved out of the house they lived in together and moved into a nearby place to be close to Winston. The source spilled this out:

“It ended very recently and it’s too soon for her to talk about it. They’ve kept it very quiet so she’s surprised people know already. It’s very sad that this has happened while Idris is experiencing the highest points of his professional career and they can’t celebrate it with each other.”

Idris was at the British Film Awards, where he won Best Actor for Beasts of No Nation, on Sunday night and he was asked if he’s officially put an “open to the public again” sign on his dick. He only said, “That’s the media for you.” That means yes.

Idris and his “friendNaomi Campbell recently left a club in NYC together, so some think that Naomi the Terrible threw an iPhone 6s Plus (I’d like to think she evolved and is now throwing iPhones instead of BlackBerries) at his home and wrecked it. I don’t know if Idris and Naomi are a thing thing. They don’t really make sense to me. Sure, Idris can figuratively take Naomi’s coochie to paradise, but I don’t think he has the funds to fly her on a gold-plated jet to his private island where they’d roll around on a beach made of actual diamonds. I’m pretty sure Naomi is a size queen and by that I mean she’ll only regularly date a dude with horse hung bank accounts.

And here’s Naomi working the shit out of a bunion at last night’s NYC premiere of Zoolander 2.


Gwen Stefani Really Laid It On Thick For The Cover Of Her New Album

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Just in case you forgot that Gwen Stefani had a real roller coaster of a year last year, what with getting divorced from her nanny-humping husband Gavin Rossdale and subsequent shamelessly thirsty hook-up with the cowboy one from The Voice, Gwen’s latest album cover is here to remind you. Gwen posted the cover art for her third solo album, This Is What the Truth Feels Like (which comes out on March 18th) to her website earlier today, and it’s truly as subtle as Blake eyeing up Gwen’s ass. This is what a hardworking PR team looks like.

Henry Cavill And His 19-Year-Old Piece Are Still Together

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

When I first wrote about Henry Cavill and his college freshmen piece, I figured it would last about forty five seconds and he’d quickly be seen taking a completely natural and not-at-all staged walk in front of the paparazzi with one of the Pretty Little Liars chicks or someone like that. But I underestimated the strength of love (and a long-term contract) because 32-year-old Henry and 19-year-old Brit Tara King are still a thing. To quote Huey Lewis & The News, “The power of love is a curious thing.” “Um, what’s a Huey Lewis and what’s a The News,” asked Tara King who was born over 10 years after that song came out.

Henry and Tara were first seen together last October and The Daily Mail (via Celebitchy) says that they spent the holidays with each other. Henry and Tara spread their genuine love through New Zealand during her university’s “reading week” (which is supposed to be spent studying but is mostly spent partying). Henry also took Tara to meet his family in Jersey (not the state in America that Chris Christie is the governor of):

‘A lot of people wondered if the relationship would last, but this shows it’s serious, despite the age difference,’ a friend of the actor tells me.

The New Zealand adventure came two weeks after Tara joined Henry in Jersey, where he was born. Two months before that, Henry took Tara to China.

I’m around Henry Cavill’s age and there’s no way I could date a 19-year-old. It wouldn’t work out. I’d have to dump their ass as soon as a bar kicked them out for being underage. I’m sorry but nobody gets between me and happy hour, bitch.

But I say, get that Superman ass while you can, Tara. The good news for Tara is that the legal boozing age in Britain is 18, so she can legally enjoy a glass of cognac while lying on Henry Cavill’s bear rug of a stomach.

Also, this is apparently Tara’s hand in this picture:

When a selfie fails…but great to be back home in Jersey.

A photo posted by Henry Cavill (@henrycavill) on

That picture has made me ask the question: Would you give Henry Cavill’s butt chin a rim job?

Pic: Weibo via @HenryCavillNews

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