Archives: February 2016

Tori Spelling’s Drunk Alter Ego Is A Public Pissing Fiend Named Terri

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Thanks to a preview of tonight’s episode of Kocktails With Khloe, a show that won’t be followed by the words “…has been kancelled” for at least 15 more episodes, I can now add one more reason to the ever-growing list of why I kurse the Kardashian name. And that reason has to do with the fact that I now have a mental picture of a sloppy Tori Spelling popping a squat and using her living room carpet like a litter box assaulting my brain.

In a clip from tonight’s episode, Tori admits that when Tori gets drunk, she turns into Terri. According to Tori, Terri – which is short for TerriTORI, because EVERYTHING is a tori pun with this trick – is a fucking mess who pisses under the table and in potted plants. Basically, Terri is the poor (and I mean poor) man’s Jennifer Lawrence.

Somewhere there’s an incontinent Cocker Spaniel who is thinking: “Bitch stole my look AND my moves? Rude.

Tori claims Terri doesn’t come out that often because she has kids. But I bet it’s because she needs to stay sober enough to make sure The Deaner’s drunk alter ego, The Wiener, doesn’t cause too much damage. It’s really not that tough of a job; she just has to have an extra set of pants ready for when he wakes up in the shed after a night of pounding brewskis and realizes he’s pissed himself. “Aw shit, looks like The Wiener struck again! Tori, do me a favor and grab the garden hose? I wanna rinse off real quick.

Open Post: Hosted By Justin Theroux As Evil DJ

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Whenever I see the name “Evil DJ” I think it’s the nickname the cast of Full House called Candace Cameron behind her back. It probably was/is.

At the Zoolander 2 premiere in NYC last night, Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Will Ferrell and Penelope Cruz walked the purple carpet in character. That was part of the premiere everyone there called the “This Is An Embarrassing Mess, Let’s Go To The Open Bar” portion of the night. Justin Theroux helped write Zoolander 2 and his character from the first one is in it, so he also hopped (or whatever you call what he’s doing) down the runway. It was some real “Um, you’re a millionaire and you’re married to a multi-multi-millionaire so you don’t need to do this crap for a check” shit.

Evil DJ always looks like Linda Perry circa 1994 if Linda Perry circa 1994 was styled by Kevin Federline using shit from Riff Raff’s closet. When I first saw these pictures, I wondered what in the hell happened to Jason Castro and then I wondered why in the hell do I remember Jason Castro.

And I hope they cover this look on Fashion Police, because I really to see Giuliana Rancic’s lollipop head shake and pop off while she tries to figure out what to say about his dreads.


Things Dean Sheremet Has Learned: LeAnn Rimes Doesn’t Like It When You Talk About Her In Your Cook Book

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

The final nail (Eddie Cibrian’s penis) was hammered into the coffin of LeAnn Rimes and Dean Sheremet’s marriage way way back in 2009. Since then, Dean keeps finding new ways to bring up her name and remind us all that he was once the Jennifer Aniston to LeAnn and Eddie’s Lifetime-budget Brangelina. The most recent of which has been writing about his dead relationship with LeAnn in a new cook book called Eat Your Heart Out.

You’d think a shameless attention whore like LeAnn would respect Dean’s hustle, but no. Unfortunately for Dean, LeAnn wasn’t a fan of such a tacky stunt, and InTouch says she released her lawyers on him. Dean tells InTouch he received a letter from LeAnn’s lawyers about a week before the release of Eat Your Heart Out on February 8th reminding him about the Marital Settlement Agreement he signed in 2009 and warned him to keep his mouth shut.

The letter also states that LeAnn’s lawyers didn’t pursue legal action when he ran his mouth off about their marriage last year. But they decided to get involved this time because it sounded like his cook book might spill some confidential information and violate the terms of their agreement. And if the Amazon description is any indication, yeah, it probably does.

The letter goes on to say that LeAnn doesn’t want to come between Dean and a check, but she will if that money is made by dragging her name through a recipe for chicken tetrazzini.

In reponse to LeAnn’s letter, Dean folded his arms, rolled his eyes, and hissed at LeAnn for making this all about herself.

“I just don’t get it. She already killed my happiness the first time around. [It’s like], ‘Move on already, LeAnn. I’ve moved on!'”

Dean then added: “I’m on people’s radar because of my past with her. I can’t erase my past; I referred to it and was very respectful. I’m not the one who cheated.” Did you hear that, LeAnn? He’s over it, okay! And if you need any more information on just how over it he is, please turn to the chapter in his cook book titled: Meals To Cook For Yourself While Your Wife Is Out Banging Eddie Cibrian.


News That’ll Make Your Sex Parts Scream Yes: Idris Elba Is Single

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

As Idris Elba’s scorned ex-piece K. Michelle wonders, “Maybe I should call,” b-holes and pussies that don’t have a chance in hell with him are howling “Hallelujah!” Because apparently, the piping hot piece of British man meat and noted ho Idris Elba is no longer with his girlfriend and the mother of his second baby. I know, I didn’t know that the woman whose body and face I replaced with mine in pictures was his girlfriend. But she’s not anymore.

43-year-old Idris and 28-year-old Naiyana Garth started doing each other full-time in 2013. Idris knocked her up very early into their relationship and she gave birth to their son Winston in 2014. The Sun says that Idris has moved out of the house they lived in together and moved into a nearby place to be close to Winston. The source spilled this out:

“It ended very recently and it’s too soon for her to talk about it. They’ve kept it very quiet so she’s surprised people know already. It’s very sad that this has happened while Idris is experiencing the highest points of his professional career and they can’t celebrate it with each other.”

Idris was at the British Film Awards, where he won Best Actor for Beasts of No Nation, on Sunday night and he was asked if he’s officially put an “open to the public again” sign on his dick. He only said, “That’s the media for you.” That means yes.

Idris and his “friendNaomi Campbell recently left a club in NYC together, so some think that Naomi the Terrible threw an iPhone 6s Plus (I’d like to think she evolved and is now throwing iPhones instead of BlackBerries) at his home and wrecked it. I don’t know if Idris and Naomi are a thing thing. They don’t really make sense to me. Sure, Idris can figuratively take Naomi’s coochie to paradise, but I don’t think he has the funds to fly her on a gold-plated jet to his private island where they’d roll around on a beach made of actual diamonds. I’m pretty sure Naomi is a size queen and by that I mean she’ll only regularly date a dude with horse hung bank accounts.

And here’s Naomi working the shit out of a bunion at last night’s NYC premiere of Zoolander 2.


Gwen Stefani Really Laid It On Thick For The Cover Of Her New Album

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Just in case you forgot that Gwen Stefani had a real roller coaster of a year last year, what with getting divorced from her nanny-humping husband Gavin Rossdale and subsequent shamelessly thirsty hook-up with the cowboy one from The Voice, Gwen’s latest album cover is here to remind you. Gwen posted the cover art for her third solo album, This Is What the Truth Feels Like (which comes out on March 18th) to her website earlier today, and it’s truly as subtle as Blake eyeing up Gwen’s ass. This is what a hardworking PR team looks like.

Henry Cavill And His 19-Year-Old Piece Are Still Together

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

When I first wrote about Henry Cavill and his college freshmen piece, I figured it would last about forty five seconds and he’d quickly be seen taking a completely natural and not-at-all staged walk in front of the paparazzi with one of the Pretty Little Liars chicks or someone like that. But I underestimated the strength of love (and a long-term contract) because 32-year-old Henry and 19-year-old Brit Tara King are still a thing. To quote Huey Lewis & The News, “The power of love is a curious thing.” “Um, what’s a Huey Lewis and what’s a The News,” asked Tara King who was born over 10 years after that song came out.

Henry and Tara were first seen together last October and The Daily Mail (via Celebitchy) says that they spent the holidays with each other. Henry and Tara spread their genuine love through New Zealand during her university’s “reading week” (which is supposed to be spent studying but is mostly spent partying). Henry also took Tara to meet his family in Jersey (not the state in America that Chris Christie is the governor of):

‘A lot of people wondered if the relationship would last, but this shows it’s serious, despite the age difference,’ a friend of the actor tells me.

The New Zealand adventure came two weeks after Tara joined Henry in Jersey, where he was born. Two months before that, Henry took Tara to China.

I’m around Henry Cavill’s age and there’s no way I could date a 19-year-old. It wouldn’t work out. I’d have to dump their ass as soon as a bar kicked them out for being underage. I’m sorry but nobody gets between me and happy hour, bitch.

But I say, get that Superman ass while you can, Tara. The good news for Tara is that the legal boozing age in Britain is 18, so she can legally enjoy a glass of cognac while lying on Henry Cavill’s bear rug of a stomach.

Also, this is apparently Tara’s hand in this picture:

When a selfie fails…but great to be back home in Jersey.

A photo posted by Henry Cavill (@henrycavill) on

That picture has made me ask the question: Would you give Henry Cavill’s butt chin a rim job?

Pic: Weibo via @HenryCavillNews

And Now For Some Million-Dollar Family Drama Courtesy Of Shia LaBeouf

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Sadly, this isn’t a story about Ren Stevens-Aranguren (yes Ren is married to Beans in the future) dragging Louis Stevens into court after losing all her money in a foam pit dumpster pyramid scheme. No, this is about Shia LaBeouf’s real family.

According to Page Six, Shia LaBeouf’s aunt might want to start pricing out hotel rooms on Trivago, because she could soon find her nephew taping an eviction notice to the door of her apartment. Shia wants to kick his aunt, Sharon Saide, out of her Manhattan apartment because he’s in the middle of a “Bitch Better Have My Money” situation with Sharon’s husband and Shia’s uncle, Barry Saide. Back in February 2014, Shia sued Unky Barry over an $800,000 loan and won. Shia loaned Unky Barry the money back in 2009 when his business wasn’t doing too good, and Unky Barry didn’t think to pay him back because he considered it a gift for all the times he helped out his sister Shayna before lil’ Shia was a famous Disney Channel star.

Cut to two years later. Shia’s uncle still hasn’t paid him back, and now the number has grown to $1 million, thanks to interest and lawyer fees. So Shia has decided to take Auntie Sharon’s apartment. But Auntie Sharon isn’t packing her shit yet. Sharon recently told a Manhattan judge that she bought the apartment with inheritance money from her grandmother and that Unky Barry’s name isn’t anywhere on the ownership papers. She also claims the apartment is worth at least $2.5 million, which is way more than Barry owes Shia.

Sharon has also accused her nephew of trying to “intimidate and pressure” her into handing over her apartment. Why do I get the feeling that Exhibit A in the trial of Shia vs. Auntie Sharon will be a severed rattail with a note that says “JUST DOOOOOO IT! GET OUT!



February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

When I lived in New York, I’d sometimes get a craving for Cheddar Bay Biscuits and overpriced pieces of white tire rubber flavored with artificial lobster seasoning (that shit is so not real lobster) so I’d go to the Red Lobster in Times Square and wait at least an hour. I bet that you can’t even get a table anymore and there’s a 6-month-long waiting list thanks to the power of the all-powerful Beyonce!

In Beyonce’s new song “Formation,” she spits out the lyric,” When he fuck me good, I take his ass to Red Lobster, cause I slay.” The song was released on Saturday and Red Lobster trended on Twitter that day. Since the Beyhive beylieves that Beyonce is the sun and the planet revolves around her, they were waiting and waiting and waiting for Red Lobster to respond on Twitter. Red Lobster finally responded hours later with this:

The Beyhive didn’t like that tweet and Red Lobster apologized for it. But those tweets didn’t stop the people from going to Red Lobster. CNN says that on Sunday, Red Lobster’s sales jumped 33% from last year and they’re owing it all to Beyonce. Beyonce’s song also put Red Lobster on the Twitter map for the first time ever.

Red Lobster spokesperson Erica Ettori said the brand was mentioned on Twitter 42,000 times in a single hour and trended for the first time in history.

So, for the next few nights, the executives of Red Lobster will start dinner with their family by thanking their lord and savior Beyonce for the meal they’re about to eat. But whatever, we all know that nobody made Red Lobster famous the way that fashion’s one-time super couple, Tim Gunn and Andrae from Project Runway, made Red Lobster famous.

And Oprah probably read CNN’s story about Beyonce’s power and said, “Awww, how cute,” while rolling her eyes. Because when she mentioned bread in a Weight Watchers ad, she made $12 million in one hour and caused bread to sell out almost EVERYWHERE. Seriously, I was at the grocery store yesterday and I had to wrestle and elbow a trick in the throat for the last loaf of sourdough.

Pic: Splash


Johnny Depp As Donald Trump: Would You Hit It?

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Somewhere, Leonardo DiCatchAHo is sitting on a stool (read: a skinny naked blonde model on all fours) and is nervously laughing into a morning cup of coffee served by his butler (read: a skinny naked blonde model wearing only white gloves) as he watches Funny or Die’s Donald Trump spoof on his TV (read: a skinny naked blonde model holding an iPad in front of him), because he knows if it was an actual movie that came out in the theaters in December, the Oscar would elude his ass AGAIN. That Oscar would go to Johnny Depp who has given his greatest performance since Cry-Baby!

Funny or Die told The New York Times that they shot this 50-minute-long TV movie-of-the-week parody of Jabba the Trump’s advice book The (F)Art Of The Deal in December, but they’ve been waiting for the perfect time to release it. They decided that today was the perfect day to release it after Trump won the New Hampshire primary last night thanks to thousands of cats in human costumes who voted for him because they know that if he becomes president humanity will be destroyed and their reign as the most powerful creatures in the country will begin.

Opie Taylor introduces the fake movie as a recently discovered 80s biopic that was shelved after it was preempted by a football game and Trump refused to release it. It stars Johnny as Trump, Michaela Watkins as Ivana Trump, Patton Oswalt as Merv Griffin, Henry Winkler as Ed Koch, the boy from Room, ALF!!! and a bunch of others. The dialogue is spot-on, that 1980s VHS patina is perfect and the only thing it’s missing is an FBI warning at the beginning.

But Johnny Depp as Jabba the Trump steals every shot with his terrifying face. He looks like a pus-engorged boil on Jiminy Glick’s taint. He looks like a dingle stuck to a cat’s ass hairs. He looks like a lost Dick Tracy villain that was rejected for being too scary looking. What I’m trying to say is that he looks better than the real thing.

And yes, yes I’d hit it while wearing a low-budget Ivana wig.


Will Smith Admits That, Yeah, They Probably Gave Their Kids Too Much Freedom

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Jaden and Willow Smith, seen above looking like two vintage store-dwelling elves who are about to trick you into trading your soul for a velvet choker and a pair of Fluevog Munsters, are pretty much the unofficial prince and princess of DWTFYW (doing whatever the fuck you want). But unlike other rich kids who got their freedom to do whatever dumb shit they desired by threatening to run away to their summer home in Europe, Jaden and Willow were given full permission from their famous parents, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith.

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