Somewhere, Leonardo DiCatchAHo is sitting on a stool (read: a skinny naked blonde model on all fours) and is nervously laughing into a morning cup of coffee served by his butler (read: a skinny naked blonde model wearing only white gloves) as he watches Funny or Die’s Donald Trump spoof on his TV (read: a skinny naked blonde model holding an iPad in front of him), because he knows if it was an actual movie that came out in the theaters in December, the Oscar would elude his ass AGAIN. That Oscar would go to Johnny Depp who has given his greatest performance since Cry-Baby!
Funny or Die told The New York Times that they shot this 50-minute-long TV movie-of-the-week parody of Jabba the Trump’s advice book The (F)Art Of The Deal in December, but they’ve been waiting for the perfect time to release it. They decided that today was the perfect day to release it after Trump won the New Hampshire primary last night thanks to thousands of cats in human costumes who voted for him because they know that if he becomes president humanity will be destroyed and their reign as the most powerful creatures in the country will begin.
Opie Taylor introduces the fake movie as a recently discovered 80s biopic that was shelved after it was preempted by a football game and Trump refused to release it. It stars Johnny as Trump, Michaela Watkins as Ivana Trump, Patton Oswalt as Merv Griffin, Henry Winkler as Ed Koch, the boy from Room, ALF!!! and a bunch of others. The dialogue is spot-on, that 1980s VHS patina is perfect and the only thing it’s missing is an FBI warning at the beginning.
But Johnny Depp as Jabba the Trump steals every shot with his terrifying face. He looks like a pus-engorged boil on Jiminy Glick’s taint. He looks like a dingle stuck to a cat’s ass hairs. He looks like a lost Dick Tracy villain that was rejected for being too scary looking. What I’m trying to say is that he looks better than the real thing.
And yes, yes I’d hit it while wearing a low-budget Ivana wig.
Jaden and Willow Smith, seen above looking like two vintage store-dwelling elves who are about to trick you into trading your soul for a velvet choker and a pair of Fluevog Munsters, are pretty much the unofficial prince and princess of DWTFYW (doing whatever the fuck you want). But unlike other rich kids who got their freedom to do whatever dumb shit they desired by threatening to run away to their summer home in Europe, Jaden and Willow were given full permission from their famous parents, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith.
When I Googled “old fossil riding a whore” I thought it would take me to Hugh Hefner and a Bunny. – 38chrysler
Upvote winners (it’s a tie!):
All opposed to a Brokeback Mountain sequel starring Matthew McConaughey say ‘neigh’. – Mother Chucker
Jurassic World Cup – Ikcor
Susan Sarandon decided to give her world-famous 69-year-old tits the night off because she’s kind of enough to know that Piers Morgan’s peen is going to need some time to recover from him rubbing it raw while hate-tweeting about her. Susan Sarandon showed up to the Zoolander 2 premiere in NYC with her headline-making chichis covered up with a demure Day of the Dead tarp/coat thing. She probably wanted all of the attention to go to her 23-year-old son Miles Robbins who went all the way with the theme of the movie and showed up dressed like a poor Lady CaCa going to a business meeting.
It’s really good to be the kid of a celebrity. Because when I go out in public in old lady white pantyhose, a slutty nurse skirt and a Salvation Army-bought blazer covered in little stuffed animals, children cry, hos threaten to beat me up and the cops try to arrest me. But when Miles Robbins does it, trick gets his picture taken. But I’m not going to hate at all, because the look IS 18th century nobleman on the bottom and fourth-tier Brony pimp on the top.
With that being said, he really should’ve covered up his hairy cleavage. It’s really not appropriate for a movie premiere. It’s VULGAR!
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
Uzo Aduba (35)
Chloë Grace Moretz (19)
Makenzie Vega (22)
Emma Roberts (25)
Stephanie Beatriz (35)
Holly Willoughby (35)
Elizabeth Banks (42)
Laura Dern (49)
Vince Gilligan (49)
Glenn Beck (52)
Alexander Payne (55)
George Stephanopoulos (55)
Jim Cramer (61)
Mark Spitz (66)
Michael Apted (75)
Roberta Flack (77)
Robert Wagner (86)
Leontyne Price (89)
Pic: Harper’s Bazaar
Blake NotSoLively was at a NYC fan screening of Deadpool and she wore what looks like a unicorn’s overly dirty litter box. But the bigger story is that she didn’t pass out on the carpet after her publicist said no to her question, “Um, is Mike’s Hard Lemonade made with organic lemons from a Southern plantation?” – Lainey Gossip
Pimp Mama Kris’s anus slit of a mouth spit out some chunky delusion while talking to Harper’s Bazaar. Something tells me she’ll have to call up her business partner Lucifer and tell him she didn’t mean all that stuff about believing in God – Celebitchy
I linked to pictures of AnnaLynne McCord’s nipples yesterday so I may as well link to pictures of her nipple trying to break free from nipple tape today – The Nip Slip
Oh, America, the place where you can commit a crime, go to prison and then make a whole lot of cash by talking about it on every damn talk show in the country. Teresa Giudice is living the American dream! – Reality Tea
Chelsea Handler’s bare ass cheeks made their return to Instagram. I know you’ve been missing them – Drunken Stepfather
My prayers have been answered: Tom Hardy’s dick unpixelated! – The Superficial
Jennifer Lawrence’s hair is looking very Chris Crocker circa 2007 – Hollywood Tuna
Russell Tovey’s nipples apologized to that theatergoer for making him faint – Towleroad
DMX almost died from an asthma attack that was not brought on by the bad shit, so says his people – HuffPo
Oh, I just spent about a full minute staring at Ashley Benson’s crotch while trying to find a camel toe. How was your day? – Popoholic
The heads of the CDC held an emergency meeting today, which could only mean one thing: It’s true, Aubrey O’Day and Pauly D are bumping self tanner-covered fuck parts – Starcasm
Okay, but is Jonathan Cheban going to explain why his face looks like it was made using parts from a plastic lion mask and a Roy Horn wax figure? – Popsugar
Janice Dickinson’s defamation lawsuit against Bill Cosby’s ex-lawyer has been thrown out. “YAAASSS!” screamed Kanye and only Kanye – Jezebel
Blossom flashed her cleavage at Piers Morgan…. – SOW
Today in sad, Ken Watanabe has stomach cancer – Just Jared
When I finally woke up and made Joan Collins Hot Slut of the Day for the first time on January 1st, I thought that I’d see her become Hot Slut of the Month, then Hot Slut of the Year, then Hot Slut of the Decade and then Hot Slut of the Century. (I just started taking a multi-vitamin and red wine has mostly become my booze of choice, so obviously I’m going to live way past 120.) But my dreams drowned in a puddle of hound dog drool that was slobbered out by half-marathon champion Ludivine! The door to Hell’s special place now has a plaque on it that reads: “Welcome everybody who voted against Joan Collins in Dlisted’s Hot Slut of the Month contest.”
The first Hot Slut of the Month battle of 2016 wasn’t even that close. It was down to living legend Joan Collins, Chic Jeans, Malibu Musk and Ludivine the dog who won 7th place in a half-marathon without trying. Ludivine got almost 43% of the votes, Joan Collins got almost 35%, Chic Jeans got 12% and Malibu Musk got 10%. I blame all of you who voted for Chic Jeans and Malibu Musk. If your votes went to Joan, she would’ve won! I also blame Polldaddy for making an un-riggable product. I blame everyone!
Well, congratulations to Ludivine for becoming Dlisted’s first HSOTM of 2016. She’s a star, a champion and she’ll go on to the Hot Slut of the Year finals in 2017. That’s if God doesn’t throw a lightning bolt at Dlisted’s server (aka a fat stoned hamster napping on a wheel) for doing Joan wrong like this. If you need me I’ll be in the corner trying to come up with a way to make February’s Hot Slut of the Month contest be between Joan Collins, Joan Collins, Joan Collins and….. Joan Collins.
Thanks to everyone who voted (even you hurtful bitches who didn’t vote for Joan Collins)!
Pic: Ludivine’s Facebook
via Kuntye’s Twatter
KIMMY GIBBLER and those other two were on Ellen today to introduce the first full trailer for Fuller House and well, it looks awful and is filled with so much cheese you won’t be able to shit for days after seeing it. In other words, it looks just like the original and I’m sure I’ll love every second of it as long as I watch it with my best friend (a fully stocked bong).
The bad news is that the trailer has way too much DJ Tanner in it and we hear Carly Rae Jepsen’s version of the theme song. Getting Carly Rae Jepsen to re-do the theme song tells me that the producers don’t know their own characters at all. I mean, Kimmy and DJ’s favorite artist of all-time Stacey Q should’ve done the theme song. How rude! Actually, that’s beyond rude. It’s straight-up disrespectful!
The good news is that the trailer has plenty of Kimmy Gibbler in it. She saves everything. The producers messed up on the theme song, but they did realize that the best way to save a show is to throw in Kimmy Gibbler in a scrunchie. If the Coen Brothers put Kimmy Gibbler in a scrunchie in Hail, Caesar!, it would’ve been the biggest box office hit of the year instead of flopping.
It’s no secret that Leonardo DiCaprio worked harder for his Oscar nomination this year than….I’m not sure what, actually. Nothing works harder than Leonardo DiCaprio trying to get an Oscar. Leo worked his yacht-lounging ass off during the making of The Revenant. Leo damn near froze to death. Leo ate raw bison livers. Leo had to rassle a bear. I haven’t seen The Revenant, but I’m sure Leo busts out some ugly cry face too. Leo was probably feeling pretty good about all the acting overtime he put in too. That is until Matt Damon swooped in and, like my over-it friend when I tried to milk a twisted ankle for three weeks, reminded him he needs to stop being so fucking dramatic.
Vanity Fair says that Matt Damon joked about Leo’s “OMG I worked so haaard” award season hustle during his introduction of The Martian director Ridley Scott at the Director’s Guild Awards on Saturday night. Both Matt Damon and Leo DiCaprio have both been nominated for all the same Best Actor awards this year, but according to Matt, he didn’t have to suck back bison organs to get his.
“Every night at 6 o’clock, the horn blew and Ridley and I went to dinner. And that’s how you make a movie, and we finished the film really early and we saved 2 million bucks. And Leo – we weren’t cold at all. I’m just sayin’. There’s another way to do it.”
Well that’s easy for Matt to say – he already has an Oscar! He doesn’t know what it’s like to lay awake at night, tossing and turning on top of a pile of naked models, wonder what he’s got to do to win one. “Do I have to beat off a goddamn CGI bear while looking like something that was pulled out of a bus station toilet??? Cause I’ll do it!”
Here’s Leo DiCaprio, who probably got a major boner from the sight of all those Oscar silhouettes, and Matt Damon, who looks like a dude who wants to sell you a 36-month lease on a Kia Sedona, at the Oscars nominee luncheon yesterday.