Because every Hollywood type and their dog are being asked their thoughts on this year’s Oscar boycott (I’m pretty sure there’s a reporter holding a mic up to the dog from The Danish Girl as I type this), Joel and Ethan Coen were recently asked how they felt about the #OscarsSoWhite situation. The Coen Brothers have won four Oscars and have been nominated for a billion more (the film they wrote Bridge of Spies is nominated for six this year), so you’d think they would have lots of thoughts on the subject. As it turns out, the Coen Brothers don’t exactly give a Fargo-dipped fuck about any of this.
One time when I was at my mom’s house, we were watching Access Hollywood, or another one of those type of shows, and they showed a clip of Jessie J. My mom wasn’t joking when she said, “I didn’t know that Pink is from England.” I should’ve said to my mom that I didn’t know she just got back from a long vacation on another planet, because that Susan Powter-ass wannabe in front of us is one of the greats of all-time! Yes, she would’ve slapped me for talking smart, but she needs to know who our new Whitney Houston is!
Jessie J (aka that Q-Tip who yodeled out Grease Is The Word at the beginning of Grease Live) tells Women’s Health UK (via The Sun) that it gives her the sads knowing that her own homeland of the UK doesn’t appreciate her for the legendary gift that she is. Thank God for America, though, because Jessie J says that in this country we recognize her as being one of the greats. If you actually know what a Jessie J is, this is your cue to make the same confused face she’s making in that pic. If you don’t know what a Jessie J is, don’t bother Googling. You’ll just be re-directed to Dictionary.com’s definition of “delusion.” The legend (in her own peroxide-bleached mind) said this about herself:
“It makes me sad. I’ve done the Grammys, the VMAs… My profile in America is that I’m kind of celebrated as one of the greatest singers — and I love it. I want to be up there with the Celine Dions, Whitneys, Beyoncés, and Arethas. I go hard because I hope and pray that one day people look back and go, ‘She could really fucking sing.’”
Jessie J should’ve specified which America, because it sure as hell ain’t North, Central, South, West or East. But really, Jessie J has always been like room temperature tap water to me. But now I’m a fan! I mean, I don’t think she’s one of the greatest singers in America. However, I do think that she’s one of the greatest comedians in the world!
Katy Perry and her current maybe-boyfriend Orlando Bloom are still doing the whole casual relationship thing (their matchmaker, that vape pen, must be so proud), and according to Page Six, shit almost got nine levels of awkward on their last date.
Katy and Orlando were attending a birthday dinner the Sunset Tower Hotel on Wednesday night with a whole mess of famous types, like Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman. And as luck (or that vengeful bitch karma) would have it, guess who just so happened to saunter into the Sunset Tower as they were having dinner? Patient zero for vaginal vinegar poisoning himself, John Mayer. A witness claims John skipped the bar and made a beeline for the elevators, and they *think* it’s because he knew two of his ex-girlfriends were inside. Or maybe he hauled ass to the elevators because he was six seconds from a butt blowout? You don’t know, witness!
Of course there is a chance John Mayer knew Katy Perry was in the bar with his replacement. I wouldn’t put it past that sneaky bimbo to use his boner like a divining rod and track down his exes. But clearly his inner Jiminy Cricket told him to leave them alone, and Katy and Orlando were able to enjoy their date without having to do that fake as hell “Oh heeeyyyy” when you run into an ex in public.
As for how things are going between Katy and Orlando, Page Six says several witnesses confirm that Katy and Orlando’s flirt game is still strong.
“Orlando and Katy had that new-relationship glow about them. They were cuddling and flirting with each other all night.”
Meanwhile, another witness described Orlando like this: “He looks like an old baby.” I have no idea what the hell that means either, but I love it. I’m sure there are at least a dozen Hollywood-types asking their plastic surgeons “Can you make me look like an old baby?” as we speak.
Cuba Gooding Jr. was on Watch What Happens Live last night to promote Shapiro Brows: The Mini-Series Event and that shifty Siamese Cat named Andy Cohen got him to talk about whether or not Scientology’s sexiest pin-up Tom Cruise has pulled, nipped, tweaked or pricked his face. As everyone knows, Cuba and Tommy did Jerry Maguire together and they’ve stayed friends. During a game of the Spill the Tea! last night, Andy asked Cuba to spill the tea on the secret to Tommy’s beauty.
Out of everyone involved in the love story of our time that is Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna’s dramatic love affair, I assumed Kris Jenner was the person most likely to be laying awake at night with an anxious knot in their stomach (“Think, pimp, think…there’s got to be a way to bring in more family members and exploit this even further“). It turns out that person is actually Blac Chyna’s former fiance/current baby daddy Tyga.
TMZ says Tyga is so concerned with Blac Chyna’s recent shit life decisions – you know, like getting hauled off an airplane for being a dunk mess – that he’s seeking primary custody of their 3-year-old son King Cairo. Tyga’s current custody situation is that they share King (something Blac Chyna tried to get changed back in May to full custody in an attempt to keep King away from Tyga’s then-underage girlfriend Kylie Jenner). Sources close to Tyga claim he wants BC’s contact with King to be limited to weekend visits because he’s worried her problems with booze and drugs might be putting their son at risk.
One thing he apparently doesn’t care about is that she’s doing Rob Kardashian or that Rob may be hanging around his kid. Sources say Tyga saw a video The Sock One recently posted a video of them on a playdate (TMZ has the riveting footage here), and he just sort of shrugged. Tyga doesn’t have a problem with Rob, and he isn’t worried about being replaced as a father.
You know, if Tyga becomes a full-time daddy, he gets a lot more than just his son. He also gets a better excuse for the next time he gets caught hitting up 14-year-olds on Instagram. “What? I was just looking for a babysitter!” And to be honest, it wouldn’t exactly be a lie, since the current teenager in his life is too busy going to the club to do any babysitting. Speaking of, here’s Kylie Jenner, who appears to be wearing a dress stolen from a low-budget small town production of Cats, kruising into the klub with her sisters last night.
Nielsen’s research department reveals the ideal TLC audience demographic. – Strepsi
ZZ Bottom. – skinnymalinky
The flying pink dildo that was thrown at a New Zealand politician during a press conference.
If you asked me something about American politics, there’s a good chance that my brain would go to sleep and the flying toaster screensaver would play in my head. (Yes, my brain’s screensaver is still the flying toaster. I haven’t updated its software since the 90s.) If you asked me something about New Zealand politics, my brain would fall asleep even faster, but before it did, I’d slobber out the words, “Er, isn’t Lucy Lawless their president or something?” So of course, I know nothing about this Steven Joyce politician dude and his politics. But apparently, a Kiwi nurse knows all about him and she let him know her feelings when she threw a dildo at his face during a press conference. Oh, in the US, our protesters throw shoes and tomatoes. In New Zealand, their protesters throw dildos. In the US, a dildo is our GOP presidential frontrunner. In New Zealand, their politicians get showered with dildos. What a beautiful place.
Cristiano Ronaldo (31)
Jeremy Sumpter (27)
Darren Criss (29)
Kevin Gates (30)
Jamie Brewer (31)
Vanessa Rousso (33)
Sara Evans (45)
Michael Sheen (47)
Bobby Brown (47)
Chris Parnell (49)
Laura Linney (52)
Duff McKagan (52)
Jennifer Jason Leigh (54)
Tim Meadows (55)
Barbara Hershey (68)
Christopher Guest (68)
Charlotte Rampling (70)
Michael Mann (73)
Hank Aaron (82)
Don Cherry (82)
George Clooney told Ellen DeGeneres the eye roll-worthy story about his 25-minute-long anti-climactic proposal to Amal Clooney. The writer who wrote that fake story for him so he could look oh-so-real on a daytime talk show should’ve made it somewhat believable. Like George Clooney’s ass cooks. We all know he has his food delivered by a drone from a chef in Italy – Lainey Gossip
I don’t know if I’d call Lil Wayne’s Super Bowl commercial racist. But I do know that I’d call it really damn stupid – Celebitchy
Why is Kate Hudson wearing a diaper made out of gauze? I didn’t know that Kanye West is designing for Fabletics now – Drunken Stepfather
Countess LuMann may try the marriage thing again – Reality Tea
In case you were wondering what’s the latest dumb shit that Kanye West tweeted, here you go – The Superficial
This supercut of St. Angie Jolie’s ACTING in that flop By The Sea is pretty much me on any night of the week – Jezebel
Nice try, Pimp Mama Kris, nice try – Starcasm
This bearded surfer in the Icelandic Glacier Water commercial is no Lucky Vanous – Towleroad
I was just reminded that Rose McGowan was married. But now I can forget that fact again, because she’s getting a divorce – Popsugar
Work that sloppy pile of men’s shirts, Alison Brie, work ’em! – Popoholic
Dylan Penn’s nipples look like this – The Nip Slip
This dog isn’t stupid. Doggy knows that they’re either going to the vet or the shelter! – Hollywood Tuna
It’s the puppehs of the Puppy Bowl! – The Berry
Natalie Portman’s ballerino husband twirled on out of the Paris Opera Ballet and probably because he realized what’s the point of working when you’ve got a millionaire wife? – Just Jared
Mariel Hemingway’s daughter is Playboy’s first not-naked cover model – SOW
Rest in peace, Maurice White. Thank you for making songs that were the reason why some of us were made – HuffPo
Susan Sarandon’s 69-year-old chichis took over the SAGs on Sunday and got a whole lot of attention. Even Kate Winslet was in awe of Susan Sarandon’s magnificent chichis. But not everyone was into Susan’s cleavage. Noted cunt plug Piers Morgan let it be known on Twitter that he thought that Susan’s look at the SAGs was highly inappropriate because she presented the In Memoriam segment and he felt like it was disrespectful to the dead. Um, I’m pretty sure that dead people love titty balls too. Here’s what Piers spilled out yesterday:
Would Susan Sarandon wear this to a funeral? No. It was thus horribly inappropriate for an In Memoriam tribute.
No problem with Ms Sarandon showing off her cleavage. Big problem with her doing it for ‘In Memoriam’ tribute.
No, what’s tacky is deliberately flaunting your breasts on TV for publicity, during a tribute to dead stars.
That started a cleavage war and chicks defending Susan Sarandon have been tweeting pics of their chichis at Piers since yesterday. They’ve been doing the same thing to Susan Sarandon as a way of supporting her (pun intended) and she’s been re-tweeting those pics. Susan also blew an air kiss of love at Piers today by tweeting this:
— Susan Sarandon (@SusanSarandon) February 4, 2016
What’s pretty impressive is that Piers didn’t misspell any words while tweeting with one hand and jacking off to Susan Sarandon’s chichis with the other. That’s what’s really going on here. But you know, I have to agree with Piers. The outfit that Susan Sarandon wore would be highly inappropriate for a funeral. I mean, she wore a white suit. Wearing white to a funeral is tacky! But if she wore nothing but that black bra and black heels to a funeral, then that would be totally appropriate and okay. Hell, I want her to wear that to my funeral.