Okay, to be fair, the majority of my post-Super Bowl nightmares came from the pizza I ordered from Dominos last night that looked like it had been fucked by the Noid. But the cheez-obsessed fetus from Doritos’ 2016 Super Bowl commercial came a very close second.
I’m sure if Beyonce had it her way, the only commercial that would have aired during the Super Bowl last night was her tour announcement after the halftime show. But I guess the media department at CBS weren’t swayed by the box of Red Lobster coupons that were couriered over from The Beyoffice, because they aired a bunch of other commercials as well. In the event you spent most of your commercial breaks filling up a deflated football with vodka, can watch most of them here. The most WTF of which came courtesy of Doritos. Warning: If the image of a CGI baby hauling ass through a vagina gives you the nopes, then you might want to watch the Heinz commercial with the wiener dogs dressed up in little hot dog costumes instead.
The neighbors always know when Goopy’s colon cleanses are over. – Marly
The panty pudding from the Henry Cavill Open Post leaked into the Caption This Contest. – Saltydog
Annabel Bowlen, the exquisite Botox orchid who is the stunning face of the Denver Broncos!
I guess Sherri Ann Ward Cabot from Best In Show sadly broke up with her lesbian, poodle-loving soulmate Christy Cummings and moved to Canada where she met Pat Bowlen, married him and came back to the US where she later became the Juvederm-filled and Wet ‘N Wild frosted heart of the Denver Broncos.
The Bowlen family is the majority owner of the Denver Broncos, and Pat Bowlen used to be the CEO and main face of the team, but he’s got Alzheimer’s in a bad way now, so his gorgeous wife Annabel Bowlen has graciously taken that role. Pat and Anna reportedly first met in Canada where she was working as a grade school teacher and figure skating trainer. But she gave that all up to be the Queen of the Broncos!
After the Broncos won that boring ass Super Bowl game last night, Queen Annabel took her place at the top of the pedestal and addressed her loyal subjects. That Super Bowl trophy must be made of the most indestructible material in the world, because I can’t believe it didn’t melt from being so close to the rays of white hot glamour shooting off of Annabel Bowlen. Annabel Bowlen looked like a melting Team America puppet who is the southeast’s #1 Mary Kay salesperson. She also looked like a Christian TV morning host. In other words, she’s perfect. But of course, the beauty haters came for her and made fun of her for “forgetting” the name of the team she owns during her victory speech.
No, Annabel did not forget the name of the Broncos. Annabel was doing a dramatic pause for effect AND she also thought she’d give the peasants a few extra seconds of basking in her beauty. A saint, she is!
Nick Nolte (75)
Kathryn Newton (19)
Bethany Hamilton (26)
Jeremy Davis (31)
Cecily Strong (32)
Jim Verraros (33)
Pooch Hall (39)
Abi Titmuss (40)
Seth Green (42)
Joshua Morrow (42)
Kimbo Slice (42)
Big Show (44)
Stephanie Courtney (46)
Mary McCormack (47)
Shiva Rose (47)
Trinny Woodall (52)
Vince Neil (55)
John Grisham (61)
Mary Steenburgen (63)
Creed Bratton (73)
Ted Koppel (76)
John Williams (84)
That picture is from the end of the halftime show when Chris Martin shit into his flower Underoos because he finally realized that inviting Beyonce and Bruno Mars to do the show with him was a bad idea because nobody’s going to remember his ass.
Coldplay opened the Super Bowl halftime show tonight and the only thing I remember about them is that Chris and the band were wearing clothes that should’ve never ever been made in adult sizes and their part of the performance was like the opening of the Olympics in Beijing if the opening of the Olympics in Beijing had the budget of a $25 gift certificate to Cost Plus World Market.
After Coldplay threatened to put Ambien out of business by putting every bitch to sleep, the slick Hobbit that is Bruno Mars did an MC Hammer impersonation and Beyonce busted out her new song “Formation” while in chorus girl Michael Jackson drag. Beyonce and Bruno Mars’ parts melded into some kind of weird ass West Side Story dance-off before Chris Martin jumped back in to remind all of us that he still exists.
Never mind that Chris Martin moves around like a constipated hunchback orangutan, I nearly made the sign of the cross when Beyonce almost fell. I knew that if the holy god Beyonce fell, the planet would split in two and the world would end. Beyonce also announced her new tour at the end of that performance, because, you know, she just had to.
And really, Taraji P. Henson did something tonight that was a million times more entertaining than that Super Bowl halftime show. She tweeted this along with a picture of Coldplay onstage:
I still want to marry every inch of that tweet even though it looks like she wasn’t being shady (uh huh).
The final score is:
Broncos: Who cares.
Panthers: Who Cares:
Cookie: All of the points. All of them.
Every Super Bowl is pretty damn gay, but Super Bowl 50 is super, super gay. Like always, we’ve got muscle queens in satin leggings playing with balls and pounding each other’s asses hard, and this year we’ve also got Lady Gaga opening this shit up and Beyonce doing the halftime show. They should’ve went all the way by bringing Richard Simmons out of retirement to be one of the team’s head cheerleader.
Anyway, Lady CaCa yodeled out “The National Anthem” at the beginning of the Super Smoke A Bowl today and nearly half of the hos on my Twitter timeline were screaming, “Bitch can sing her face off!” Well, I do think she sang her face off in rehearsals, because she was wearing a totally different one during the actual performance. I didn’t mind, though, because she looked like a mash-up of Effie Trinket as a 70s pimp and a Thundercat going to a Fourth of July party at Studio 54.
And as for her performance, she laid it on thick and brought all the extras. Kanye West’s ass was probably stuck to the screen the whole time because Lady Gaga kept waving her finger around.
I was aaaaaaaaalmost with CaCa until that chest bump. Celine Dion’s husband and brother just died and Gaga does her wrong by stealing her trademark move on a Sunday? Jail Gaga for that!
Petite boy nymph Joseph Gordon-Levitt has always been “meh” to me, but seeing his uneven crotch beard sticking out of some black chonies while he sticks his hairy gut out and smokes on a miniature joint is doing things to my senses. Dude looks like a stoner Christian Grey. He’s giving me Fifty Shades of Funyuns.
JGL was crowned Harvard University’s Hasty Pudding Man of the Year on Friday and before he got to take home his award, he was roasted and had to complete a few challenges. JGL had to go through a bunch of obstacles like dry humping a drag queen’s ass and sucking on a cow’s tit like it was a rock hard peen. I know, Hasty Pudding calls those “obstacles” and Charlie Sheen it a slow weeknight.
And yes, yes, I’d hit it. I’d put on a cow costume and let him hit it while sucking on a fake joint.
Pic: AP, Getty
The British government needs to raise taxes, because Duchess Kate deserves a major employee of the month bonus. I mean, trick is working on a Sunday! While Prince Hot Ginge sleeps off his hangover on a bed covered with naked dishwater blondes and THE QUEEN spends her Sunday getting drunk on Werther’s Original-tinis with her Corgis as they crank call Camilla, Duchess Kate worked an event in London.
Duchess Kate worked overtime by smiling, waving and shaking hands at the 75th anniversary of the Royal Air Force Air Cadets today. While wearing a hat that kind of looks like a giant blue suede condom, Duchess Kate talked with a 19-year-old cadet and told her that the future King of England wants to fly planes like his daddy one day. via People
During the event, Kate told cadet Lucinda Conder, 19, that she had shown George, who is 2-and-a-half, pictures of Spitfire fighter planes after a royal engagement.
“He is now obsessed with the air cadets and wants to join,” Ms. Conder, from Hammersmith in west London, told reporters on Sunday.
Whoever writes the words that Duchess Kate says at events needs to get it together. Prince George is 2 years old and 2 year olds are like me after 6 drinks and 2 bowls: They don’t know what they’re saying! (But then again, I don’t know what I’m saying while completely sober.) Besides, Prince George probably wants to be what he’s going to be, which is the King of Fucking England. I mean, he’ll get to do what he does now. He’ll terrorize the citizens of England and whenever some kid refuses to hand over their toy to him, he’ll send their parents to the gallows and cackle while doing so. I can’t wait for him to be king!
Whoopi Goldberg, your messy auntie who makes you wish you brought straight-up crack to smoke on Thanksgiving when she opens up her mouth at the dinner table, has been the head pecking hen on The View for almost 10 seasons now. Anybody who still watches it (and yes, I still watch it, because it gives me a reason to drink on a weekday morning) knows that Whoopi stopped giving a fuck about that job years ago. Whoopi is the kind of employee who will go into the fridge in the break room, eat someone’s yogurt with a note that reads, “DO NOT EAT, THIS IS EMILY’S YOGURT,” on it and admit to doing it. Whoopi don’t care, and now apparently executives at ABC are beginning to think that she’s daring them to put a pink slip in her bong.
A source tells Page Six that Whoopi makes $5 million a year and she’s currently on the last season of her 4 season contract. Whoopi may be trying to get out of her contract early by getting fired, because she’s apparently been acting as pleasant as a fist job from Edward Scissorhands. The source spilled this out:
The actress and host, now in the final year of a four-year contract, last year reportedly created a scene when she paraded around saying, “I’s a work for ABC, who is my master. I’s a slave to ABC. It’s ‘12 Years a Whoopi’ at ABC, referring to the movie 12 Years a Slave.
Whoopi has been so antagonistic, she’s constantly at war with management. It’s so bad that some execs think she’s daring them to fire her so she can go off and do other things, particularly after her ‘slave’ outburst. She knows if they did fire her, they’d have to pay out her contract and she’d be paid $5 million for doing nothing.
Whoopi loves the money, but she doesn’t want to work so hard anymore. She doesn’t come in prepared, she doesn’t really engage with other panelists and guests. She gives some one-liners and moves on. Her contract is up at the end of this season, and even if she does renew, it would be for significantly less money.”
Whoopi’s brains really are made of burnt shank weed if she screws up that gig. Bitch is living the dream. She gets to stumble into work stoned and brain fart up her thoughts about a subject without doing any kind of research or having any kind of knowledge on it. I wish I had that job! Oh…wait…
The Quarterback Princess (as played by Helen Hunt)!
In honor of America’s biggest sporting event of the year, THE PUPPY BOWL, (Oh, yeah, and I guess that Beyonce show, featuring some band and some football teams is happening too) let’s pay tribute to an important football and sports icon. Every Super Bowl Sunday, I automatically think of the 1983 football masterpiece Quarterback Princess!
Quarterback Princess was mostly a true story based on the life of Tami Maida, a feminist legend who became a junior varsity quarterback at her high school in Philomath,Oregon. The football coach at Tami’s high school tried to keep her down and wouldn’t let her join the team, because she’s a chick, but she showed his ass and was named quarterback. Tami did double duty during her school’s homecoming game, because not only did she play in it, but she was also crowned homecoming queen at the dance. Tami Maida did it all.
Hollywood made a movie about her starring Helen Hunt, Jo from Melrose Place and Tim Ribbons. The entire thing is on YouTube and I watched a huge chunk of it this morning. The only thing I have to say about it is that it’s a good thing for Peyton Manning that the Quarterback Princess is retired from the game, because if she wasn’t, she’d probably be the current QB of the Broncos. I’m sure she still has it!