The last time I wrote about precious Hungarian diamond Zsa Zsa Gabor, she had just realized that one of her legs was amputated…over 6 months beforehand. That sad story took the sparkle out of every rhinestone broach from here to Budapest. That was over 3 years ago. I was hoping that Zsa Zsa would eventually make her grand return to the spotlight by using her diamond-encrusted prosthetic leg to kick the likes of the Kartrashians off of the ho stroll, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen anytime soon.
Zsa Zsa’s 99th birthday was a few days ago and I’m sure we all celebrated by toasting to her with a Waterford crystal champagne flute (read: a plastic backyard cup from CB2) full of vintage Dom Perignon (read: sparkling white grape soda and Belle Ambiance Pinot Grigio from Target) while wearing a Cartier tiara (read: a tiara made from aluminum foil balls). But now we need to take off our aluminum foil tiaras and form a prayer circle because she’s in the hospital.
Zsa Zsa’s husband Frederic von Anhalt (Remember him?) tells TMZ that she was taken to the hospital on Monday after she had trouble breathing at home. Before she went to the hospital, her doctor went to her house and tried to fix her breathing woes by removing mucus from her throat. That didn’t work. Zsa Zsa was later admitted into the hospital. The doctors discovered that she has a lung infection caused by her feeding tube. They’re going to take her to surgery where her breathing tube will be removed.
During the past 14 or so years, Zsa Zsa has been through it. She was left partially paralyzed after a car accident, she had a stroke, she had hip replacement surgery, she had her leg amputated and now this. Every time the Grim Reaper comes to visit, she slaps him down. Keep slapping that whore, Zsa Zsa!
We’re barely into the second month of 2016, but already there’s been enough crazy shit that has happened in Taryn Manning’s personal life to technically classify it as a WTF-filled year. Back in January, a makeup artist named Holly Hartman filed a restraining order against Mimi from Crossroads and accused Taryn of getting all kinds of violent with her, like spraying Windex in her eyes. Now we’re into February, and Taryn’s lawyer is once again reaching for the bottle of extra-strength Motrin on his desk.
According to Page Six, Taryn has decided to sue New York City for $10 million over an arrest from 2014. According to the lawsuit, which I assume was served by Taryn herself to the Statue of Liberty while screaming “Tell your boss I want my money, you big green bitch!“, Taryn claims she was falsely arrested in NYC back in November 2014. Taryn was arrested after a judge determined she had violated a restraining order against her friend-turned-alleged-stalker Jeanine Heller by threatening to kill her via text and Twitter.
However, it might have been an arrest that wasn’t really supposed to happen. The DA decided not to prosecute Taryn and the arrest was voided. But according to Taryn’s lawsuit, she was still put through all the motions of an arrest. Taryn was still put in handcuffs, processed, and placed in a holding cell. The lawsuit claims Taryn was made to wait hours for a formal letter saying the DA wasn’t going to prosecute before she was released back into the wild.
Taryn also alleges that NYC police leaked details of her arrest to the media. She’s seeking $10 million for damages, which include “attorney’s fees, hours of detention, emotional distress and reputational harm.” When asked for comment, Taryn’s reputation took a long drag off a Newport before shrugging and grunting out a hoarse “Eh, if she thinks that’s what’s gonna fix it, then sure – whatever floats ya boat, honey.”
Tall piece of Irish hotness Liam Neeson did an interview with The Irish Independent to promote a TV documentary he narrates and the subject of whose sugar walls are getting mashed by his long banger came up. It’s been 6 years since Liam Neeson lost his wife Natasha Richardson and he understandably says that it’s still a really sore subject and the grief will always be there. But Liam got happier while talking about Valentine’s Day and his new piece. No, the interviewer didn’t ask Liam about Valentine’s Day right after talking about him losing his wife. They had tact and talked about other stuff in between. I think.
But anyway, Liam was asked about his Valentine’s Day plans and also asked if he’s regularly blowing out the same coochie with his Irish ham sub sandwich peen. Liam said that he’s dating an incredibly famous woman.
“I’ll send out a few bunches of flowers to various people and I usually just say ‘from an Irish admirer’.” Is he involved with anyone? “Yes, but I’d embarrass her if I said her name, she’s incredibly famous. I’ll have to do my best for her. It’s amazing how far a simple bunch of freshly picked flowers will go in a lady’s life, I find.”
There’s not many people I’d call “incredibly famous,” so that easily narrows it down to these 10 women who are more famous than famous.
The Snapple Lady
La Toya Jackson
The Roses Lady of West Hollywood
But seriously, there is an easy way to figure out who Liam Neeson’s incredibly famous girlfriend is. All we have to do is keep our eyes open for a famous lady who walks bow-legged, has to constantly hold onto her crotch to keep her vagina from falling out and has a hunchback because a big Irish dick broke her spine. I mean, we all have that GIF of Liam’s swinging crotch vine saved onto our desktops forever. Since it is a NSFW classic and never gets old I’ve thrown it up after the cut.
Well, that’s one way to clap back at a person who has been dragging you on Twitter. TMZ says that Ciara (real name: Ciara Princess Harris) has gone ahead and filed a $15 million lawsuit against her former fiance/current baby daddy Future (real name: Nayvadius DeMun Wilburn) for slander after he accused her of being a shit mother to their 1-year-old son Future Zahir. Somewhere in a pile of socks and burger wrappers, Blac Chyna sat up and thought “Hmmm…that’s a pretty good idea.”
It all started back in July after Future saw a picture of Ciara’s celibate boyfriend Russell Wilson pushing Future Jr. around in a stroller, and started cussing out Ciara on a radio show for involving their son in “publicity stunts.” Future also took to hissing at Ciara on Twitter, like accusing her of taking $15,000 a month in child support while making him go though lawyers to see their son. Ciara is finally responding to Future, and she’s doing it by coming for a lot more than $15,000 a month.
According to the details of the lawsuit, Ciara swatted back at Future’s accusations that she’s keeping their son from him by saying that she goes out of her way to make sure Future Jr. sees his daddy. Ciara claims that they’ve had at least 19 visitations since December 2014, one of which happened as recent as last week. She’s also accusing Future of starting shit as a way to promote his music.
Ciara’s lawsuit says that she wants all the nasty words Future wrote about her erased from Twitter and wants him blocked from saying anything else about her. She’s also looking for Future to stuff $15 million into her bank account. And just like that, the price of EVOL was marked up to $89.99 on iTunes and now includes a bonus track called “Please Please Please Buy This Album (I Need The Money).”
If your name is Future, this would be where you might want to look away (unless you want to make some new tweets that will probably be used against you in court of law). Here’s Ciara and Future Jr. cruising through LAX with Russell Wilson yesterday.
The world nearly turned inside/out with shock over the weekend when The Sun posted pictures of a 15-year-old rich kid of famous parents smoking the good shit with his friends at a skate park in London. I joked that the Dark Priestess of the Illuminati probably set that ESCANDALOSO paparazzi moment up to show the world that Guy Ritchie lets their son Rocco Ritchie do whatever the hell he wants. Well, TMZ says that Madonna is afraid that Rocco is spending his days getting stoned and living without any rules, so she’s hired a private investigator to follow him around. Um, I don’t know if Madge hired the right private investigator, because what in the hell kind of private investigator gets found out by TMZ? Detective La Toya would never.
And I bet that’s how it happens, too. Some random guy approaches you outside of a club, grabs your arm and whispers: “Sir, I regret to inform you that E! has decided to terminate your relationship. Please take this waist trainer and set of gently-used butt pads as our way of saying thanks. Now shoo.”
I guess Khloe Kardashian got tired of that polygamist life, because UsWeekly is saying she went ahead and kalled it kwits with her sort-of side piece of seven months, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden. And of course I say sort-of, because as we all know, KoKo is technically still married to Lamar Odom (but more on that later). According to a source, Khloe gave James his walking papers “weeks ago“, which means this marks the first time in history that a Kardashian waited longer than 0.3 seconds before mining their personal life for attention.
But don’t worry – Khloe isn’t wasting any Botoxed tears on James. According to a post written by some poor intern for Khloe’s pay-per-view website (via the Daily Mail), Khloe is looking for love on OkCupid. If you’re single and ready to sell your soul to Kris Jenner, Khloe goes by “khloewithak“. Khloe likes long walks from her car in front of the paps, cuddling up by the fires of Hell while renegotiating her contract with Satan, and jet-setting off to countries with lax butt injection laws. Khloe says she made an OkCupid profile for fun (and probably a check) and adds that she’s never done online dating before.
One thing she forgot to mention is that any potential suitors should probably be cool with Khloe ditching them to hang out with her husband. Like she did on Super Bowl Sunday. TMZ says Lamar has made a ton of progress since he was found unconscious at a Nevada brothel back in October. Lamar reportedly went hiking on Sunday with Khloe and Kim Kardashian, and his goal is to run again. His improvement also includes processing thoughts and carrying on a conversation. So basically, his brain function has surpassed that of Khloe and Kim’s.
Here’s an on-the-prowl Khloe looking like a suburban cougar hairstylist named Barb (that’s a compliment) at the club with French Montana last night. Shit, Khloe’s really recycling all her past dicks this week.
Sometimes you want to go..Where everybody knows your name…and they’re always glad you came! – Not_The_One_
Upvote winners (it’s a tie!):
Aww, we finally got a Dlisted get-together! – Zorba
The world needs more reserved cunts. – BaconSlut
The Star Wars dildos that Target claims aren’t really supposed to be dildos.
Before Star Wars: The Force Awakens came out, Disney’s marketing team must’ve taken a crash course in next level whoring from Pimp Mama Kris at the Learning Annex, because they put those Star Wars bitches on absolutely everything. There were Star Wars oranges. There was Star Wars makeup. And Disney even went all the way to the dark side with Star Wars CROCS! At one point, I think even my shits were shaped like Yoda’s head. Disney is that good. So it wouldn’t be surprising if they really made sure that Star Wars was everywhere including your genitals.
A woman in Indiana was shopping at Target the other day when she came across (pun not intended) what looked like Star Wars dildos. Star Whores: Your Holes Awaken. They’re supposed to be Star Wars pool toys. Uh huh, more like poon toys. She joked about it on Facebook, her post was picked up by a bunch of sites and Target had to release a statement telling everyone that their merchandising people are looking at it:
Occasionally, we carry merchandise that some guests may find objectionable, as was your experience. We never want to offend anyone and have shared this with our Merchandise team for review.
And just like that, thousands of coochies and b-holes applied to be a part of Target’s merchandising team. But really, this is some Star Wars merchandise I can finally get behind (that pun was intended). I’d rather Disney put out a light saber dildo, but I’ll gladly take a Stormtrooper dick. And that Adam Driver one (I don’t know his character name and don’t make me Goole it) even comes hooded for extra pleasure:
May the force be in you!
Pics: Disney, Pajiba
Tom Hiddleston (35)
Jimmy Bennett (20)
Avan Jogia (24)
Camille Winbush (26)
Michael B. Jordan (29)
Rose Leslie (29)
David Gallagher (31)
Zhang Ziyi (37)
A.J. Buckley (38)
Charlie Day (40)
Amber Valletta (42)
Colin Egglesfield (43)
Sharon Case (45)
Travis Tritt (53)
Holly Johnson of Frankie Goes to Hollywood (56)
Jim J. Bullock (61)
Charles Shaughnessy (61)
Ciaran Hinds (63)
Judith Light (67)
Mia Farrow (71)
Alice Walker (72)
Joe Pesci (73)
Carole King (74)
Pic: 1883 Magazine
Hayden Panettiere and her Tupperware punch bowl tits did their best Christina Aguilera circa Lady Marmalade impersonation on that Lip Sync Battle show. Well, Hayden looks like Cousin Itt is viciously attacking her head after she barely just survived a make-up factory explosion, so I say she nailed the look! – The Superficial
Bitch Got Booed: The Tom Brady at the Super Bowl Edition – Celebitchy
Greedy fame whore Teresa Giudice really wants you to think that she actually turned down a paying job that involved lots of cameras and attention – Reality Tea
Gigi Hadid got naked for Vogue Paris – Drunken Stepfather
AnnaLynne MccCord’s nipples came out to support Wendy’s at the Super Bowl – The Nip Slip
Modeling Is Really, Really Hard, You Guys by Adriana Lima – Hollywood Tuna
“Fuck this shit, I’m not even going to change out of my pajamas for this low-level crap” thought Alicia Vikander before getting ready to go to the Santa Barbara Film Festival – Popoholic
On-and-off-again fuck buddies Kate Hudson and Nick Jonas probably fucked again this past weekend – Popoholic
Are you in the mood to feel your sex parts shrivel up and fall off? Just picture Ted Cruz singing show tunes to his wife before a debate – Towleroad
Goldie Hawn is making her triumphant return to cinema and sadly it’s not for a sequel to Overboard – Jezebel
Panty Creamer of the Day: Tom Hardy’s nalgas and pixelated peen – OMG Blog
St. Angie Jolie got three new back tattoos and who knows what they mean, but I’m sure we’ll find out when the Bible is updated to include a new chapter about them – Popsugar
The Good Wife is ending – SOW
Emma Watson’s new piece is a hot nerd – Just Jared
Okay, but where is Baby Chanel’s tiny waist trainer? It’s never too early to crush your organs for the sake of beauty! – HuffPo
Note: Apologies for not putting out my normal amount of posts today. I had to go to the doctor and you know how long the free clinic keeps you waiting. Last week, I promised that the Hot Slut of the Month winner would be announced today. I’ll announce them tomorrow. I’m still in denial about who the winner is, so I need a little more time to swallow that hurtful fact.