If you ever wanted to know what it would look like if you caught Matt Damon sucking off Ben Affleck under a big coat, here you go. (Side note: Ben totally blew out a huge butt burp while Matt was in that coat.) – Towleroad
Monica Lewinsky was at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party and her boring ass dress gets a no from me. Monica really should’ve went for it by wearing a blue dress with a bedazzled cum stain on it. Meanwhile, Gennifer Flowers was probably attending Penthouse’s Oscar party at a Hooter’s in New Jersey. – HuffPo
Speaking of Gennifer Flowers, her website is a garden of potent glamour – GenniferFlowers.com
No, some beauty website called Total Beauty didn’t purposefully confuse Whoopi Goldberg for Oprah Winfrey because they knew it would get them a whole lot of attention and clicks. Nope, not at all – Lainey Gossip
Who cares about Caitlyn Jenner when Mimi really delivered the classiness by wearing fishnets over pantyhose? – Celebitchy
Even after her piece faked cancer, Vicki Gunvalson has been asked back for the new season of The Real Plasticwives of Orange County – Reality Tea
First Ashley Graham and now Chestica Simpson. The caged titties look is so now! – Drunken Stepfather
Jennifer Lawrence’s Republican family members in Kentucky held a funeral for her career after she wrote that essay about the gender wage gap issue – The Superficial
Raven-Symone doesn’t know how elections work – WWTDD
Chris Rock lied to us. The Girl Scouts did not sell $65,000 worth of cookies at the Oscars – Jezebel
Jessica Alba was at the Vanity Fair Oscar party because EVERYONE with at least 2 fucking IMDB credits was there – Popoholic
It’s because of Japanese potatoes, goddammit! – Hollywood Tuna
Gigi Hadid’s nipple “accidentally slipped out” (read: they spent 8 hours rehearsing that nip slip) at the Versace show – (NSFW) The Nip Slip
Denzel Washington said fuck it to the Oscars and ate popcorn at a basketball game instead – Popsugar
Needs more peen prints – The Berry
Rest in peace, Captain Hocken from Naked Gun – Boy Culture
Salma Hayek recently posted on Instagram about how her 9-year-old dog Mozart was found shot to death on her ranch in Washington State. I immediately screamed, “MURDER!” But it turns out that it was an accident and the investigation is closed.
The Seattle Times says a neighbor told investigators with the Thurston County Sheriff’s Office that he fired a pellet gun at Mozart Hayek because the dog was causing trouble. The neighbors say that Mozart attacked his two dogs so he fired a pellet gun to scare the dog off. It did a whole lot more than scare Mozart off. That pellet sent poor Mozart’s soul to heaven. The neighbor claims that he didn’t know that he shot Mozart. A vet said that a lead pellet hit one of Mozart’s arteries and he bled to death.
Salma wasn’t at her ranch at the time. A caretaker went for a horseback ride with a few of Salma’s dogs. When they got to the end of the road, the dogs, including Mozart, heard the sound of barking and ran toward the neighbor’s house. The caretaker didn’t go after them. The wife of the neighbor who shot Mozart said that he regularly used to go onto their property to fight with their dogs. Her husband finally had it and fired what he thought was a warning shot. She said that they’re very sorry that Mozart died.
“I’m still coming to terms with all of this, as you can imagine. We didn’t even know we killed a dog. To find out we killed a dog that belonged to a high profile person, I’m in shock. My heart is broken. I’m really sorry that the dog died.”
Investigators ruled the shooting as “justified,” but they still passed the case over to prosecutors who will review it.
So many questions. Why hasn’t Salma built a fence? Why did the caretaker just let the dogs go like that? Why didn’t the neighbor scare Mozart off in a harmless way like blast an LMFAO song at him? (Scratch that. That’s not harmless.)
I know that both of their ranches are probably many acres big, but this is definitely going to cause a whole lot of tension. My neighbor’s dog once pissed on my front door mat in front of me and I never stopped throwing them dirty looks. So I can’t even imagine the kind of looks Salma is going to throw at the neighbor who shot her dog.
Rest in peace again, Mozart.
I went in to today assuming that no news reported today would be able to hold a candle to Leonardo DiCaprio finally getting his hands on the gold-plated trophy of his dreams. But non-Oscar news has really come hard today. First there was the story about Chris Jones’ fugitive penis, and now we have a story about a retail brawl starring a pocket-sized stand-up comedian who isn’t Kevin Hart. Although Kevin Hart does make an appearance in this story a little while later.
According to TMZ, Katt Williams – who looks a whole lot less like Katt Williams when he isn’t wearing his usual Hunger Games pimp drag – was arrested earlier today in Gainesville, Georgia for getting into a fight with an employee at a pool supply store. Police say it started as a verbal fight that escalated into a regular fight when Katt threw something at the employee (my guess is a package of Star Wars dildo-style pool toys), which was then followed by a punch. When police arrived, they claimed to have found Katt Williams waiting for them on the ground with his hands behind his back. TMZ says he was released on $5000 bail.
If this story is giving you déjà vu, it might be because you’ve heard it before. Back in 2012, Katt Williams got into a verbal fight that turned into a slap fight with an employee at a Sacramento Target store. Basically, Katt Williams needs to get a fucking Amazon Prime account and start doing all his shopping online, because he clearly can’t handle the in-store experience.
Now, remember two seconds ago when I mentioned that Kevin Hart? Katt’s recent disturbance doesn’t end at starting fights with store employees. BET says that during a comedy show in Atlanta on Saturday, Katt hissed at Kevin Hart for being a “puppet” and accused him of sucking dicks to get ahead. Once again, if this sounds familiar to you, it might be because you’re remembering back to 2012 when Katt Williams wanted you to know that he’s 100% sure Jamie Foxx is gay.
That’s a weird coincidence, right? Pretty much the exact same shit happened four years later. Katt Williams is the leap year of messes. And here’s Katt Williams’ current nemesis at the Oscars last night.
Last week, it seemed like there was trouble in the squad (Side note: Hello, my name is Michael. I’m a grown up and I just wrote “trouble in the squad.“) when Lorde was seen with Taylor Swift enemy Diplo. Diplo once said that someone should start a Kickstarter to buy Taylor Swift an ass. I figured that Girl Squad Captain Taylor would immediately tell Lorde to shred her Hello Kitty membership card and then ask for the copy of the key to the treasure box where they keep the friendship bracelet supplies. But I don’t think that happened, because here’s Taylor Swift (giving you Dollar Tree Elvira Hancock) and Lorde (giving you constipated and stoned Emily the Strange in an Ice Capades show directed by Tim Burton) at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night.
But maybe something is up. Lorde does look like she was sedated and is only posing with Taylor because Taylor threatened to expose secrets that could ruin her career. You know, secrets like she really hates the color black, she loves the color pink, Nicholas Sparks is her favorite author, she really feels whole when she smiles and nothing brightens up her day like sunshine. But then again, Lorde always looks like a goth ghost who took too much Ambien, so everything’s probably fine. However, nothing is fine with the blood explosion messiness that Gwen Stefani wore.
While Blake Shelton looked like the most dressed up dude at a hillbilly wedding, Gwen Stefani looked like she was about to star in Carrie On Ice!
It looks like her belly button is barfing blood. She looks like a slutty blood clot. We get it, Gwen. You’re hot. You still got it, bitch. I’m all for a trick trying to get attention by showing her granny panties in a sheer dress, but Gwen could’ve done it without wearing an ensemble that makes me want to throw tampons, Band-Aids and cotton balls at her.
And here’s more pictures from last night’s VF party including some of Justin Timberlake being annoying and Anne Hathaway wearing Mrs. Roper’s favorite disco freakum muumuu.
What 2016 has really been needing is a good old-fashioned gay scandal and we almost got one when Dustin Lance Black double-slapped Sam Smith on Twitter last night. But now it’s over….
Sam Smith won the Oscar for Best Song for “Writing’s On The Wall” and during his acceptance speech, he sort of said that he’s going down in history as the first openly gay dude to win the gold man trophy. That summoned a wave of side-eyes from openly gay Oscars winners of the past like Elton John, Stephen Sondheim, Howard Ashman’s ghost and Dustin Lance Black. When reporters in the press room pointed out to Sam Smith that he’s not the first openly gay dude to win an Oscar, he asked “Who’s the other person?” A reporter brought up Howard Ashman who won the Best Song Oscar twice for “Under The Sea” and “Beauty and the Beast.” Sam’s response was:
“I should know him. We should date.”
That’d be kind of hard since Howard Ashman has been dead since 1991.
DLB corrected Sam Smith on Twitter and also brought the shadiness when he added, “…it may be time to stop texting my fiancé.” BOOM. I was waiting for Sam Smith to turn it into a big gay drama by slapping back at DLB, but that didn’t happen and it’s not going to happen.
Has anybody checked on Cheryl Tiegs to see if she needs medical attention? Because I’m sure she nearly appalled herself into a coma after seeing Ashley Graham (aka the model Cheryl thinks is too fat for the cover of Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition) in this truly demure gown.
Ashley Graham was at the Vanity Fair Oscar party where she made sure that everyone there knew that she has tits. I mean, she framed her chichis with a red curtain and made them look like twin fire engine steering wheels. Ashley should’ve really made sure that everyone saw her tits by putting two blinking arrows on her shoulders that pointed down to her wondrous chichi balls. That whole ensemble is very “stripper working the room on Valentine’s Day.”
Ashley was on E! before the Oscars and said it was very hard for her to find a dress:
“Trying to find a dress for the Oscars, a girl my size, [with] these girls this size — I mean, it has been a whole job in itself.”
Obviously trying to find a dress for the Oscars was hard for Ashley. After hours of shopping, Ashley just said fuck it and she took one of her mom’s old Christmas Eve dresses, cut the tits part out, threw on a bra, decorated her chichis with red tape and called it good. Or she just bought that dress on Yandy.
Personally, I don’t like seeing a pair of imprisoned chichis, but yet she somehow manages to make it look like the pinnacle of elegance.
When I saw Alicia Vikander (now Academy Award Winner Alicia Vikander) stroll down the red carpet last night, it gave me a massive nostalgia high. A lot of people probably did, thanks to Alicia’s Beauty and the Beast realness. But gazing upon that pale yellow poofy Louis Vuitton dress instantly whooshed me back to memories of playing a game called Beautiful Lady in my childhood bedroom. The rules of Beautiful Lady were simple: look like a beautiful lady. Usually I would play it safe and throw on a Dress n’ Dazzle 3-in-1 Glamour Gown and my exquisite Burger King ThunderCats ring. But if I wanted to look extra beautiful, I’d pull the fitted sheet off my bed and make a stunning ballgown.
I liked to use the fitted sheet because it was far more glamorous and show-stopping than the flat sheet. It puffed out at the bottom, and as everyone knew in the 80s, puffy = instant sophistication. It was dead easy – I’d just wrap it around my waist and fasten it with a banana clip. Then I’d throw on my “wig” (a pair of black nylons) and wait for the flattery to roll in. Alicia clearly knows that Beautiful Lady is always the look, because she made sure to pair her bedsheet dress with flat-on-top/long-in-the-back hair too. Although I don’t think her jewelry came from Burger King. If I had to guess, it’s probably some cheap crap from Harry Winston or something.
Alicia wasn’t the only one who was giving me flashbacks to my homemade fashion years. Kate Winslet also took me for a walk down memory lane.
Millions of people probably simultaneously said, “I am not drunk enough for this,” when Chris Rock followed up his #OscarsSoWhite opening monologue by bringing out Stacey Dash for everyone to laugh at. Dionne from Clueless turned Fox News sweetheart came out and wished everybody a Happy Black History Month. It was supposed to be funny, but it’s almost impossible to laugh while your jaw is all-the-way shut from cringing. What was even more WTF than Stacey’s awkward bit at the Oscars was her explanation of it.
While not as dramatic as the gays, there were other affairs of the heart that weighed heavy on those around the parties involved at the Oscars. Mid-life crisis Ben Affleck and bland former wig wearer Jennifer Garner were at, SHOCK!, the same Oscars after party. As you are all aware, the two are in the process of getting divorced but are friendly – they went skiing over Valentine’s Day, still live together and threw a birthday party together for their son the day before the Oscars. But, according to People, they kept their distance at the Vanity Fair after-Oscars party.
When Leonardo DiCaprio’s biggest wet dream finally came true last night, it was bittersweet for me. While it’s nice to see his undeniable thirst finally get quenched, I was sad to say goodbye to the Susan Lucci jokes that never got old. (“Um, those jokes died of old age and were completely eaten by the worms a long time ago.” – everyone but me) But thanks to the Internet pulling its shoulder muscles by reaching so damn hard, the jokes live on for another day.