Archives: February 2016

Hugh Jackman Had To Deal With Skin Cancer On His Nose For A Fourth Time

February 8, 2016 / Posted by:

Hugh Jackman’s handsome face shouldn’t covered for any reason and it should be a federal crime for anything to take attention away from it (okay, except maybe a puppy). But part of it is hiding behind a bandage today, and it’s all cancer’s fault. Wolverine threw up a picture of his bandaged nose to Instagram earlier today to let everyone know that a doctor had to deal with skin cancer on his nose for the fourth time.

“An example of what happens when you don’t wear sunscreen. Basal Cell. The mildest form of cancer but serious, nonetheless. PLEASE USE SUNSCREEN and get regular check-ups.”

People says that Hugh’s rep confirmed that he had a basal cell removed this morning, adding “the margins are clear and he’s fine.” I’m sure there’s a whole group of horny Jackers (I assume that’s what they call themselves) who just shouted “Oh, he’s fine alright!

Hugh has evicted skin cancer from his body five times now (four times on his nose, once on his shoulder), and you’d honestly think skin cancer would take the fucking hint already. If Hugh’s skin cancer was a person, it would be Wayne’s obsessed ex-girlfriend Stacy from Wayne’s World. Someone needs to sit Hugh’s skin cancer down and explain that Hugh isn’t into their clingy bullshit and it’s time to knock it off. Maybe the next time his doctor goes in there to remove skin cancer, he can slip in a tiny restraining order. Or a little note that says “Girl, you need to stop.

In the event you want to see what Hugh’s face looked like before the doctor got to it, here he is riding his bike around New York City this weekend.

Pics: Splash

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Johnny Depp Was A Rude Asshole To Leonardo DiCaprio During The Filming Of “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”

February 8, 2016 / Posted by:

During his acceptance speech for the Maltin Modern Master Award at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival on Thursday, Johnny Depp went into the basement of his memories and dug deep into a water-damaged cardboard box marked 1993 and pulled out a story about working on What’s Eating Gilbert Grape with future Oscar hunter Leonardo DiCaprio.

Johnny, seen above in his Panty-Dampening Hall of Fame years (he’s still there, but he’s since been moved to a dimly-lit wing called “Tragic Endings“) was 30 when he filmed Gilbert Grape, while Leo was only 19. Hanging around a 19-year-old child star who is in the process of transitioning into ~serious~ acting roles sounds like a nightmare and a half. But according to Johnny, it was 30-year-old Johnny Depp who was the obnoxious twat.

“It was a hard time for me, that film, for some reason. I don’t know why. I tortured him. I really did. He was always talking about these videos games, you know? I told you it was kind of a dark period. ‘No, I will not give you a drag of my cigarette while you hide from your mother again, Leo.'”

Now Johnny’s on-set torture is limited to causing bedbug outbreaks and forgetting to rinse with bleach before a kissing scene. I don’t know if that’s an improvement, but I’m going to say yes, since there’s nothing sadistic than a greedy dart hog.

I’m really curious about these video games Little Leo was so obsessed with. I did some research, and I can’t seem to find anything about Nintendo releasing a game called Oscar Quest or Escape to Underwear Model Island, so it must have been Super Mario Bros. or something.

Here’s Johnny Depp at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival last week looking like a vampire in Charlie Sheen cosplay. And who thought it was a good idea to give Johnny a bouquet flowers? Two seconds after he held them up to his mouth, they probably wilted like Mr. Wilson’s flower from Dennis the Menace.

Pics: Paramount, Splash

Escandalo Alert: Rocco Ritchie Got Caught Smoking!!!

February 8, 2016 / Posted by:

Over the weekend, The Sun posted pictures of 15-year-old Rocco Ritchie smoking a “suspicious-looking cigarette” (which is lawyer of a tabloid talk for “joint“)  with friends in London and it’s all pretty surprising and shocking. I mean, a 15-year-old smoking weed. I thought that many 15-year-olds, especially rich ones, nowadays don’t mess with weed, because it’s amateur shit and they have already moved on to getting high by sticking tampons soaked in liquid meth up their butts. Rocco must be a late bloomer…

Eli Manning Taught A Master Class In Pure Excitement Last Night

February 8, 2016 / Posted by:

I bet that’s the same face the camera crew makes every time they’re told that Keeping Up With The Kardashians has been renewed for another season.

So, human thumb Peyton Manning won his second Super Bowl last night, and pretty much everyone was super excited for him. Except for his little brother Eli Manning, who lit up our television screens with his ‘pissed-off teenage boy being dragged to Thanksgiving dinner at Aunt Mary’s house’ face. Eli’s not-so-subtle reaction was caught after the Broncos scored a touch down in the 4th and the camera cut to the Manning family’s booth. No one knows why Eli, who has won two Super Bowls himself, looks like he’s been up in his room listening to the same From First To Last song all afternoon, but it’s irrelevant. All that matters is that he gave us this glorious “Fuck My Life” moment.

Cam Newton Was Not Here For The Questions From Reporters After Losing

February 8, 2016 / Posted by:

I only know the name Cam Newton, because I am a devoted follower of glamour that makes b-holes pucker and he has shown us time and time again that his personal style falls somewhere between “Zoolander’s back-up stylist” and “security guard at the Roberto Cavalli boutique in Moscow who works part-time as a Russian pimp.” Cam isn’t only the walking definition of demure male elegance, he’s also the quarterback for the Carolina Panthers. Cam wore that “Liberace’s accountant” ensemble while showing up to play in the Super Bowl yesterday, and well, those sparkles on his magical loafers probably aren’t sparkling anymore.

In case the mixture of 50 gallons of beer, 28 pounds of deep fried cheese, Coldplay’s presence and boring football shit put you into a coma, which you didn’t come out of until this morning, I’ll tell you that the Panthers lost against the Broncos. Players have to speak to reporters after the game whether they won or lost. It’s a hard job but someone has to get paid millions upon millions of dollars to do it.

Because Cam Newton’s team lost, he had to sit in a chair and listen to reporters ask him what went wrong, why is he such a loser and why does his team suck horse nuts and so on and so on. Cam should’ve done a Marshawn Lynch and said, “I’m just here so I won’t get fined.” Instead, Cam sat there all glum-like while spitting out short answers before he quit that bitch by walking off.

Some sites said that Betty White’s Dab protege STORMED OUT of the press conference, so I was expecting some real theater! I mean, Cam Newton dresses like a gay hairdresser in a telenovela, so I thought he was going to give us some Neely O’Hara-approved messiness while storming out. But no, he just walked off.

Apparently, Cam exited stage left because he overheard one of the Broncos telling a reporter how his team beat Cam Newton. Whatever, fuck the Broncos, because I’m sure that none of them took breaths away while showing up to the after-party in a Givenchy leather skirt.

Pic: @JeffDarlington

Thanks For The Post-Super Bowl Nightmares, Doritos

February 8, 2016 / Posted by:

Okay, to be fair, the majority of my post-Super Bowl nightmares came from the pizza I ordered from Dominos last night that looked like it had been fucked by the Noid. But the cheez-obsessed fetus from Doritos’ 2016 Super Bowl commercial came a very close second.

I’m sure if Beyonce had it her way, the only commercial that would have aired during the Super Bowl last night was her tour announcement after the halftime show. But I guess the media department at CBS weren’t swayed by the box of Red Lobster coupons that were couriered over from The Beyoffice, because they aired a bunch of other commercials as well. In the event you spent most of your commercial breaks filling up a deflated football with vodka, can watch most of them here. The most WTF of which came courtesy of Doritos. Warning: If the image of a CGI baby hauling ass through a vagina gives you the nopes, then you might want to watch the Heinz commercial with the wiener dogs dressed up in little hot dog costumes instead.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

February 8, 2016 / Posted by:

Annabel Bowlen, the exquisite Botox orchid who is the stunning face of the Denver Broncos!

I guess Sherri Ann Ward Cabot from Best In Show sadly broke up with her lesbian, poodle-loving soulmate Christy Cummings and moved to Canada where she met Pat Bowlen, married him and came back to the US where she later became the Juvederm-filled and Wet ‘N Wild frosted heart of the Denver Broncos.

The Bowlen family is the majority owner of the Denver Broncos, and Pat Bowlen used to be the CEO and main face of the team, but he’s got Alzheimer’s in a bad way now, so his gorgeous wife Annabel Bowlen has graciously taken that role. Pat and Anna reportedly first met in Canada where she was working as a grade school teacher and figure skating trainer. But she gave that all up to be the Queen of the Broncos!

After the Broncos won that boring ass Super Bowl game last night, Queen Annabel took her place at the top of the pedestal and addressed her loyal subjects. That Super Bowl trophy must be made of the most indestructible material in the world, because I can’t believe it didn’t melt from being so close to the rays of white hot glamour shooting off of Annabel Bowlen. Annabel Bowlen looked like a melting Team America puppet who is the southeast’s #1 Mary Kay salesperson. She also looked like a Christian TV morning host. In other words, she’s perfect. But of course, the beauty haters came for her and made fun of her for “forgetting” the name of the team she owns during her victory speech.

No, Annabel did not forget the name of the Broncos. Annabel was doing a dramatic pause for effect AND she also thought she’d give the peasants a few extra seconds of basking in her beauty. A saint, she is!

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Birthday Sluts

February 8, 2016 / Posted by:

Nick Nolte (75)
Kathryn Newton (19)
Bethany Hamilton (26)
Jeremy Davis (31)
Cecily Strong (32)
Jim Verraros (33)
Pooch Hall (39)
Abi Titmuss (40)
Seth Green (42)
Joshua Morrow (42)
Kimbo Slice (42)
Big Show (44)
Stephanie Courtney (46)
Mary McCormack (47)
Shiva Rose (47)
Trinny Woodall (52)
Vince Neil (55)
John Grisham (61)
Mary Steenburgen (63)
Creed Bratton (73)
Ted Koppel (76)
John Williams (84)

Pic: Getty

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So, Apparently, Coldplay Was In The Super Bowl Halftime Show Too

February 7, 2016 / Posted by:

That picture is from the end of the halftime show when Chris Martin shit into his flower Underoos because he finally realized that inviting Beyonce and Bruno Mars to do the show with him was a bad idea because nobody’s going to remember his ass.

Coldplay opened the Super Bowl halftime show tonight and the only thing I remember about them is that Chris and the band were wearing clothes that should’ve never ever been made in adult sizes and their part of the performance was like the opening of the Olympics in Beijing if the opening of the Olympics in Beijing had the budget of a $25 gift certificate to Cost Plus World Market.

After Coldplay threatened to put Ambien out of business by putting every bitch to sleep, the slick Hobbit that is Bruno Mars did an MC Hammer impersonation and Beyonce busted out her new song “Formation” while in chorus girl Michael Jackson drag. Beyonce and Bruno Mars’ parts melded into some kind of weird ass West Side Story dance-off before Chris Martin jumped back in to remind all of us that he still exists.

Never mind that Chris Martin moves around like a constipated hunchback orangutan, I nearly made the sign of the cross when Beyonce almost fell. I knew that if the holy god Beyonce fell, the planet would split in two and the world would end. Beyonce also announced her new tour at the end of that performance, because, you know, she just had to.

And really, Taraji P. Henson did something tonight that was a million times more entertaining than that Super Bowl halftime show. She tweeted this along with a picture of Coldplay onstage:

tarajicoldplaysuperbowl

I still want to marry every inch of that tweet even though it looks like she wasn’t being shady (uh huh).

The final score is:

Broncos: Who cares.

Panthers: Who Cares:

Cookie: All of the points. All of them.

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