Archives: February 2016

Ryan Reynolds Fell For Blake Lively While On A Double Date With Someone Else

February 11, 2016 / Posted by:

Really? Lil’ ol me? Well ah do declayuh! If that ain’t just a big ol’ dollop of a slice of shoofly pie – okay, I’ll stop.

If someone asked me how Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds came together, I’d smear some mayo on a piece of white bread and ask “This? Is it this?“, because I know how a mayonnaise sandwich gets made, and Blake and Ryan are pretty much the human equivalent. But according to Ryan, they got together during a double date they were on with other people.

Ryan recently admitted to Sirius XM’s Entertainment Weekly Radio (via People) that while he and Blake became “buddies” during the filming of Green Lantern, and so like lots of friends do, they decided to go on a double date together. Sadly, there might still be a TGIFridays with two people awkwardly picking at a plate of nachos and making small talk about how long their dates have been in the bathroom, because that was the night Blake and Ryan became Blake + Ryan. Unless you want to hear Ryan talk about the baby he made with Blake, skip to 2:42.

Ryan claims he didn’t get the warm feels for Blake until a year after Green Lantern. And I totally believe that, because nothing kills your boner quicker than showing up to set and remembering that your name and IMDB page will forever be linked to a stinky turd like Green Lantern. Blake Lively could have waited for him in his trailer at the end of the day wearing only a Green Lantern ring she swiped from the prop department, and he would be like “I…no. I can’t. I’m just too bummed out.

And because we didn’t get a good enough look at them the first time, here’s Blake working a pair of Bedazzled bike shorts at the amfAR Gala last night. Huh, I didn’t realize bike shorts came with the 1989 Republican Senator & Senator’s Second Wife fashion set.

Pics: Splash

On The Next Episode Of American Horror Story: Meth Lab…..

February 11, 2016 / Posted by:

Saint Laurent’s show at The Hollywood Palladium in L.A. was last night and I guess the invitation read: Come dressed as a strung-out performer in Florida’s Meth Circus. I’m also guessing that Justin Bieber and Lady CaCa were the only ones who followed that dress code because DAMN. Gaga looks like a drunk, clingy auntie who is trying to relive her glory days by wearing one of her favorite outfits from the 80s and Justin Bieber looks like her messy teen nephew who is impatiently waiting for her to pass out into a drunken coma so he can go into her purse and steal enough money to buy a baggy of the bad shit.

If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like if Nancy Spungen played Susan in Desperately Seeking Susan, wonder no more. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Hmmm, I wonder what it would look like if Harpo Marx played Riff Raff, Columbia AND Magenta in a community theater production of Rocky Horror Picture Show?“, you don’t have to ask yourself that question anymore. Lady Gaga answered both of those questions at the Saint Laurent show last night when she showed up in a sequined blazer that screamed, “affordable Michael Jackson impersonator,” makeup that screamed, “cracked out Casper the Friendly Ghost,” and a wig that looked like a pile of uncooked curly fries.

Gaga, Justin Bieber and his struggle stache managed to achieve the impossible, though. They managed to be the messiest messes at an event that Courtney Love was at. Because when Courtney Love showed up looking clean and hot, I doubt the door person said to her, “Um, no loitering! No loitering,” like they did with the Biebs and Gaga.

courtneylovesaintlaurent

So Gaga and Justin Bieber should give themselves a slow clap for that.

And here’s a million more pictures from last night’s show including some of the hotness personified that is the Kravitz family and American-Canadian fresh drew drop Pamela Anderson with her son Brandon Lee who used an entire jar of hair grease to give you “Young Elvis.”

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Open Post: Hosted By Two Irishmen Fighting While Moving A Sofa

February 11, 2016 / Posted by:

I’ve been dealing with technical foolery most of the day, so while I tear out my pubes out one by one while yelling at the stoner ferret on a treadmill who runs my Internet connection to please start running again, get into this video of two dudes (who are probably drunk, it’s Ireland, you get drunk from drinking the tap water) busting out some buffoonery while trying to move a couch down the street in Drumquin, Northern Ireland. This video is a perfect reenactment of my day so far. The ole’ grouchy one in the brown hat is playing the part of me, the sofa is my Internet connection and the dude in the black hat is the Verizon rep. And yup, this video ends the same way my day is probably going to end.

“Ye fuckin’ bastard” is right!

via Jason McCartan via Tastefully Offensive

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Penelope Cruz Doesn’t Have Ugly Feet, Okay?

February 11, 2016 / Posted by:

I’ve seen that face before. That’s the face I get whenever I tell Michael K that I think Prince William is the hotter brother.

As if you couldn’t already tell by the picture above, Penelope Cruz had a “Bitch, you better talk to your research department” moment during an interview with the Today Show yesterday. Towards the end of the interview, Savannah Guthrie, a woman whose name sounds like a clothing store for southern moms who think Chico’s is “too tarty“, made the mistake of asking Penelope Cruz about her ugly feet. Penny (who was dressed like a fancy pilot for some reason) was a ballet dancer before she was an actress. And I guess Savannah wanted to ask her about her feet because she heard they look like Quasi Modo’s puppies after all those years in pointe shoes. The only problem is, Penelope Cruz doesn’t have ugly feet, SAVANNAH. The awkwardness all happens around the 4:15 mark.

You have ugly feet” is a pretty random nugget of trivia to know about someone. Did nobody think to double-check that? Who at the Today show was drunk enough to let that whoopsie slip though? It was totally Kathie Lee Gifford screwing around with the teleprompter, wasn’t it?

So the good news is Penelope Cruz has officially killed any rumor that she has fugly feet. The bad news is she’s about to receive a whole lot of creepy phone calls from foot fetish king Quentin Tarantino. “Hey Penelope! So I just caught your interview on the Today show, and I heard you talking about your feet. Are you also still married to Anton Chigurh? You are? Oh, that’s too bad. Well, I guess I’ll try again later.

Leave It To Charli XCX To Give You Ten Tons Of Drunk 90s Bride At The amfAR Gala

February 11, 2016 / Posted by:

Charli XCX, who you may remember as the Tai to Iggy Azalea’s Cher, has been slowly inching her way into the Red Carpet Fuckery Hall of Fame for a while now. She’s slithered onto the red carpet looking like sloppy n’ slutty Morticia Addams. She showed up to last year’s Grammys looking like a rode-hard put-away-wrecked Super Star Ken doll.

And last night she proved she still really really wants a permanent spot in the Most Committed wing by sashaying onto the red carpet of the amfAR New York Gala looking like a picture of your messiest cousin from her first wedding in 1992 right before she threw a glass of wine in the groom’s face during a slow-dance to “Secret Lovers.

Liam Neeson Isn’t Dating An “Incredibly Famous” Woman, Or So He Wants Us To Think

February 11, 2016 / Posted by:

“You see this rolled-up magazine? My dick game trumps this bitch.” – Liam Neeson in that picture, obviously.

During an interview with The Irish Independent, Liam Neeson was asked he’s dating anyone and he casually said that he’s seeing an incredibly famous woman. Liam said he was too embarrassed to name her incredibly famous name. The guessing game started! Jezebel even joked that Liam was eating Kristen Stewart’s box in the back of a MINI Cooper because they were both papped leaving the same restaurant on the same night. The Mirror picked up Jezebel’s joke and put it out there as a serious question. Gossip Cop later shocked everyone by saying that Kristen Stewart’s puss is not sucking on Liam’s Evian bottle dick. But well, now UsWeekly is trying to kill the fun by saying that Liam was just telling jokes.

An insider tells Us Weekly exclusively that the Taken 3 star, 63, “was just joking.”

Uh huh, that’s what a dude who accidentally let it slip that he’s dating an incredibly famous woman would say. I bet that the incredibly famous woman he’s regularly fucking called him from the hospital (where she’s recovering from getting her cervix smashed to smithereens by his typhoon-class peen) and told him to make the story go away, because an incredibly famous woman like her wants to keep things private. That’s totally something an incredibly famous woman would do too.

And here’s pictures of my guess for Liam’s incredibly famous piece, Chicken Cutlets, posing with chicken cutlets in a highly artistic grocery store photo shoot. Ginger hotness can be found in your grocer’s refrigerator section.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Meryl Streep Just Solved The Diversity Problem With A Few Words!

February 11, 2016 / Posted by:

Meryl Streep is getting torn apart today and everyone is screaming “FINISH HER!” at her ass because of some words she spit out at a press conference for the Berlin International Film Festival. And yes, at the Oscars later this month, Meryl Streep will receive an honorary Oscar for Best Oscar Winner To Get Torn To Fucking Shreds On Twitter.

Kanye West Is Looking For Someone To Invest $100 Million In His Clothing Line

February 11, 2016 / Posted by:

Do you make terrible decisions with money? Do you have an extra $100 million lying around? Then why not call up Kanye West (1-800-ASSPLAY) with the good news that you’re willing to dump a fuckload of cash into his insanely overpriced hobo ballerina clothing line, Yeezy.

According to Page Six, Kanye has been going door to door asking for $100 million so he can take Yeezy from joke to joke with more exposure. So far, Kanye has hit up the CEO of LVMH (which owns Louis Vuitton, Dior, and Marc Jacobs) and Chris Burch (who launched Tory Burch), both of whom probably responded by cackling “Hard pass!” before slamming the door. Kanye also hired a company called Relativity Fashion last year to help him find investors, but that dream died when they filed for Chapter 11 in July.

I’m sure you’re wondering why he doesn’t just text his wife and ask if she can spare a couple million from her monthly Botox fund. Well, he might have to resort to that sooner than later, considering he’s apparently already sunk a whole lot of his own money into Yeezy. A source says:

“Kanye is spending a lot of money. He thinks on a big scale and is currently paying for everything himself. He needs a backer to help him achieve the kind of fashion-world domination he is aiming for.”

How much money does Kanye need for that shit? His fashion shows take place in an empty warehouse, he gets a 10% family discount on his models from Kris Jenner’s Rent-A-Wreck, and all the clothes look like they were made from old sleeping bags and slightly-irregular pantyhose stolen from a L’Eggs factory outlet store. I’m not good at math, but that’s like, $100.

At least now the audience will understand when Kanye closes the Yeezy fashion show this afternoon with models passing around a donation plate. “Please give to the Church of Yeezus Christ. Every dollar helps.

Pic: Wenn.com

Hot Slut Of The Day!

February 11, 2016 / Posted by:

The metal ball necklace!

In the 90s, we didn’t clutch our pearls. We clutched our metal balls. We walked around looking like the Tin Man busted one all over our necks. Anybody who was an edgy, hard anarchist and listened to genuine punk music from Save Ferris, No Doubt and The Ataris (and later Sum 41 and Avril Lavigne) wore metal ball jewelry. Posers got theirs at Hot Topic, but real punk bitches, like my friend and I, got our ball chain from Home Depot!

I used to have several metal ball bracelets and necklaces, but I lost most of them throughout the years. I still have a bracelet and every now and again, I pull it out and think about wearing it. Because it reminds me of better times when some of us let it be known that we were always ready for some anal bead action. I mean, I still keep anal beads in my pocket just in case, but back in the late-90s we wore them proudly!

Pic: Subject To Fashion

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