Hayden Panettiere and her Tupperware punch bowl tits did their best Christina Aguilera circa Lady Marmalade impersonation on that Lip Sync Battle show. Well, Hayden looks like Cousin Itt is viciously attacking her head after she barely just survived a make-up factory explosion, so I say she nailed the look! – The Superficial
Bitch Got Booed: The Tom Brady at the Super Bowl Edition – Celebitchy
Greedy fame whore Teresa Giudice really wants you to think that she actually turned down a paying job that involved lots of cameras and attention – Reality Tea
Gigi Hadid got naked for Vogue Paris – Drunken Stepfather
AnnaLynne MccCord’s nipples came out to support Wendy’s at the Super Bowl – The Nip Slip
Modeling Is Really, Really Hard, You Guys by Adriana Lima – Hollywood Tuna
“Fuck this shit, I’m not even going to change out of my pajamas for this low-level crap” thought Alicia Vikander before getting ready to go to the Santa Barbara Film Festival – Popoholic
On-and-off-again fuck buddies Kate Hudson and Nick Jonas probably fucked again this past weekend – Popoholic
Are you in the mood to feel your sex parts shrivel up and fall off? Just picture Ted Cruz singing show tunes to his wife before a debate – Towleroad
Goldie Hawn is making her triumphant return to cinema and sadly it’s not for a sequel to Overboard – Jezebel
Panty Creamer of the Day: Tom Hardy’s nalgas and pixelated peen – OMG Blog
St. Angie Jolie got two new gigantic back tattoos and who knows what they mean, but I’m sure we’ll find out when the Bible is updated to include a new chapter about them – Popsugar
The Good Wife is ending – SOW
Emma Watson’s new piece is a hot nerd – Just Jared
Okay, but where is Baby Chanel’s tiny waist trainer? It’s never too early to crush your organs for the sake of beauty! – HuffPo
Note: Apologies for not putting out my normal amount of posts today. I had to go to the doctor and you know how long the free clinic keeps you waiting. Last week, I promised that the Hot Slut of the Month winner would be announced today. I’ll announce them tomorrow. I’m still in denial about who the winner is, so I need a little more time to swallow that hurtful fact.
If you celebrate Chinese New Year, the only way to celebrate it is by posing for the paps in front of the Beverly Hills Hotel while only wearing stuffed toys of this year’s zodiac sign on your cooch and nipple knobs. The pride of China, Bai Ling, knows this, so she partook in one of the oldest Chinese New Year’s traditions by serving up almost-naked hotness on the street for the paparazzi she called.
In case you couldn’t tell by the fact that Bai Ling’s got a Lisa Frank monkey pressed against her poon, it is the Year of the Monkey. The Telegraph says this about those of you who were born in the Year of the Monkey:
People born in the Year of the Monkey are characterised as lively, quick-witted, curious, innovative and mischievous, but it is also believed to be one of the most unlucky years in the Chinese calendar.
The general image of people in this zodiac sign is of always being smart, clever and intelligent, especially in their career and wealth.
The Year of the Monkey is one of the most unlucky years?! Maybe that was true for past years, but not this year. This year is starting off right thanks to Bai Ling wearing a beautiful stuffed pink monkey bikini on the streets. I’m actually jealous of people born in the Year of the Monkey. Because I wish Bai Ling was holding my zodiac sign against her cooze for attention. Well, Bai Ling’s got a whole lot of attention whore life in her, so I’m sure she’ll wear my zodiac sign as a pussy patch eventually.
Happy Chinese New Year, everyone!
The day after Beyonce made Rudy Giuliani clutch all of his pearls over her “shocking anti-police” performance and Coldplay nailed their “Up with People on Valerian” impersonation at the Super Bowl, Rolling Stone released their new issue with Chris Martin’s face on the cover. During the interview with Rolling Stone, Chris called his divorce from Goopy Paltrow “weird” and “wonderful” (those two human “ughs” deserve each other) and he also talked about his ex-wife’s bestest friend in the entire world Beyonce for a little bit.
Hugh Jackman’s handsome face shouldn’t covered for any reason and it should be a federal crime for anything to take attention away from it (okay, except maybe a puppy). But part of it is hiding behind a bandage today, and it’s all cancer’s fault. Wolverine threw up a picture of his bandaged nose to Instagram earlier today to let everyone know that a doctor had to deal with skin cancer on his nose for the fourth time.
“An example of what happens when you don’t wear sunscreen. Basal Cell. The mildest form of cancer but serious, nonetheless. PLEASE USE SUNSCREEN and get regular check-ups.”
People says that Hugh’s rep confirmed that he had a basal cell removed this morning, adding “the margins are clear and he’s fine.” I’m sure there’s a whole group of horny Jackers (I assume that’s what they call themselves) who just shouted “Oh, he’s fine alright!”
Hugh has evicted skin cancer from his body five times now (four times on his nose, once on his shoulder), and you’d honestly think skin cancer would take the fucking hint already. If Hugh’s skin cancer was a person, it would be Wayne’s obsessed ex-girlfriend Stacy from Wayne’s World. Someone needs to sit Hugh’s skin cancer down and explain that Hugh isn’t into their clingy bullshit and it’s time to knock it off. Maybe the next time his doctor goes in there to remove skin cancer, he can slip in a tiny restraining order. Or a little note that says “Girl, you need to stop.”
In the event you want to see what Hugh’s face looked like before the doctor got to it, here he is riding his bike around New York City this weekend.
Johnny Depp Was A Rude Asshole To Leonardo DiCaprio During The Filming Of “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”
During his acceptance speech for the Maltin Modern Master Award at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival on Thursday, Johnny Depp went into the basement of his memories and dug deep into a water-damaged cardboard box marked 1993 and pulled out a story about working on What’s Eating Gilbert Grape with future Oscar hunter Leonardo DiCaprio.
Johnny, seen above in his Panty-Dampening Hall of Fame years (he’s still there, but he’s since been moved to a dimly-lit wing called “Tragic Endings“) was 30 when he filmed Gilbert Grape, while Leo was only 19. Hanging around a 19-year-old child star who is in the process of transitioning into ~serious~ acting roles sounds like a nightmare and a half. But according to Johnny, it was 30-year-old Johnny Depp who was the obnoxious twat.
“It was a hard time for me, that film, for some reason. I don’t know why. I tortured him. I really did. He was always talking about these videos games, you know? I told you it was kind of a dark period. ‘No, I will not give you a drag of my cigarette while you hide from your mother again, Leo.'”
Now Johnny’s on-set torture is limited to causing bedbug outbreaks and forgetting to rinse with bleach before a kissing scene. I don’t know if that’s an improvement, but I’m going to say yes, since there’s nothing sadistic than a greedy dart hog.
I’m really curious about these video games Little Leo was so obsessed with. I did some research, and I can’t seem to find anything about Nintendo releasing a game called Oscar Quest or Escape to Underwear Model Island, so it must have been Super Mario Bros. or something.
Here’s Johnny Depp at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival last week looking like a vampire in Charlie Sheen cosplay. And who thought it was a good idea to give Johnny a bouquet flowers? Two seconds after he held them up to his mouth, they probably wilted like Mr. Wilson’s flower from Dennis the Menace.
Pics: Paramount, Splash
Over the weekend, The Sun posted pictures of 15-year-old Rocco Ritchie smoking a “suspicious-looking cigarette” (which is lawyer of a tabloid talk for “joint“) with friends in London and it’s all pretty surprising and shocking. I mean, a 15-year-old smoking weed. I thought that many 15-year-olds, especially rich ones, nowadays don’t mess with weed, because it’s amateur shit and they have already moved on to getting high by sticking tampons soaked in liquid meth up their butts. Rocco must be a late bloomer…
I bet that’s the same face the camera crew makes every time they’re told that Keeping Up With The Kardashians has been renewed for another season.
So, human thumb Peyton Manning won his second Super Bowl last night, and pretty much everyone was super excited for him. Except for his little brother Eli Manning, who lit up our television screens with his ‘pissed-off teenage boy being dragged to Thanksgiving dinner at Aunt Mary’s house’ face. Eli’s not-so-subtle reaction was caught after the Broncos scored a touch down in the 4th and the camera cut to the Manning family’s booth. No one knows why Eli, who has won two Super Bowls himself, looks like he’s been up in his room listening to the same From First To Last song all afternoon, but it’s irrelevant. All that matters is that he gave us this glorious “Fuck My Life” moment.
I only know the name Cam Newton, because I am a devoted follower of glamour that makes b-holes pucker and he has shown us time and time again that his personal style falls somewhere between “Zoolander’s back-up stylist” and “security guard at the Roberto Cavalli boutique in Moscow who works part-time as a Russian pimp.” Cam isn’t only the walking definition of demure male elegance, he’s also the quarterback for the Carolina Panthers. Cam wore that “Liberace’s accountant” ensemble while showing up to play in the Super Bowl yesterday, and well, those sparkles on his magical loafers probably aren’t sparkling anymore.
In case the mixture of 50 gallons of beer, 28 pounds of deep fried cheese, Coldplay’s presence and boring football shit put you into a coma, which you didn’t come out of until this morning, I’ll tell you that the Panthers lost against the Broncos. Players have to speak to reporters after the game whether they won or lost. It’s a hard job but someone has to get paid millions upon millions of dollars to do it.
Because Cam Newton’s team lost, he had to sit in a chair and listen to reporters ask him what went wrong, why is he such a loser and why does his team suck horse nuts and so on and so on. Cam should’ve done a Marshawn Lynch and said, “I’m just here so I won’t get fined.” Instead, Cam sat there all glum-like while spitting out short answers before he quit that bitch by walking off.
Some sites said that Betty White’s Dab protege STORMED OUT of the press conference, so I was expecting some real theater! I mean, Cam Newton dresses like a gay hairdresser in a telenovela, so I thought he was going to give us some Neely O’Hara-approved messiness while storming out. But no, he just walked off.
Apparently, Cam exited stage left because he overheard one of the Broncos telling a reporter how his team beat Cam Newton. Whatever, fuck the Broncos, because I’m sure that none of them took breaths away while showing up to the after-party in a Givenchy leather skirt.
Okay, to be fair, the majority of my post-Super Bowl nightmares came from the pizza I ordered from Dominos last night that looked like it had been fucked by the Noid. But the cheez-obsessed fetus from Doritos’ 2016 Super Bowl commercial came a very close second.
I’m sure if Beyonce had it her way, the only commercial that would have aired during the Super Bowl last night was her tour announcement after the halftime show. But I guess the media department at CBS weren’t swayed by the box of Red Lobster coupons that were couriered over from The Beyoffice, because they aired a bunch of other commercials as well. In the event you spent most of your commercial breaks filling up a deflated football with vodka, can watch most of them here. The most WTF of which came courtesy of Doritos. Warning: If the image of a CGI baby hauling ass through a vagina gives you the nopes, then you might want to watch the Heinz commercial with the wiener dogs dressed up in little hot dog costumes instead.