Salma Hayek had to go to the hospital the other day after she busted her head while shooting scenes for her new movie Drunk Parents. (Side note: Drunk Parents is from the makers of Grown-Ups 2. Bitch knows she’s a billionaire’s wife, right?! She does not need a check that bad.) Salma was checked out and everything turned out to be okay. While she was at the hospital, Salma saved the lives of some patients dying of dehydration by giving them leche from her world-saving magnificent chichis and she also took this picture with the doctors who treated her. Salma threw the pic up on Instagram and explained why she was wearing a t-shirt with the white lady version of Janet Jackson’s Rolling Stone cover on it.
I had to be rushed from set to the ER for a minor head injury. Unfortunately my wardrobe for the scene was completely inappropriate for the hospital. Thank you to doctors Foster and Ellspermann for taking such good care of me! And don’t worry it didn’t make me any crazier than I was! #hospital #emergency #doctors #nude #wardrobe
Before I read Salma’s explanation for why she’s wearing that elegant t-shirt, I figured that she finally fired her stylist, got some taste and has started wearing truly sophisticated outfits. I’m sad it’s only a costume. But really, if soggy tampon Piers Morgan wasn’t busy jacking his rage boner to all the titty pictures Susan Sarandon’s supporters are sending him, he’d let Salma Hayek know how inappropriate it is for her to show cleavage at a hospital!
Why do I have a feeling that Miley Cyrus can’t keep a housekeeper? Every time she licks the floor, they quit on the spot, because they don’t work with boric acid and know that’s the only kind of shit that can get Miley’s tongue smegma out of natural stone.
Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have been back together for about 15 minutes and they’re really making up for lost time. They got re-engaged and she also bought the place next to his. Curbed says that the hillbilly gender fluid chipmunk already owns a $3.9 million house in Studio City and a $5 million ranch in Hidden Hills. She recently paid $2.5 million for a 4 bedroom, 1,384 square foot house that is right next to Liam Hemsworth’s place in Malibu.
TMZ says that Miley’s house is going to be her main house and she bought it because Liam’s place doesn’t have room for all her crap and her 5 dogs. Liam always has friends staying with him so Miley bought the 60s elementary school-looking ass house next door. Miley and Liam may put their places together and make one giant estate in the future.
Who knew that the hillbilly chipmunk took relationship tips from Taylor Swift? The good news for Liam is that since Miley has her own place, he doesn’t have to worry about walking into his kitchen and finding Billy Ray Cyrus eating his Corn Pops because Billy Ray’s place was fresh out of them and Miley was late with paying her family’s allowance again. But the bad news is that if the impossible happens and Liam and Miley’s unbreakable love eats shit, they’ll still be next door neighbors and that won’t end well. It’ll end with Liam having to take his new girlfriend to the ER after a rabid Miley infected her with rabies while attacking her on the driveway in a jealous rage.
The Beyhive planned to use this Saturday as a day of rest to prepare their bodies for tomorrow when they’re going to hump the TV while chanting their favorite psalm (aka their favorite Beyonce song) when she performs on the Super Bowl Halftime Show, but their god fucked that all up by putting out her new song and video. Beyonce first released her new song “Formation” on Tidal, but even she knows that mess is dried up, so it was released on YouTube six seconds later. Beyonce will perform her new song during the halftime show tomorrow while the supposed headliners Coldplay sit backstage eating lukewarm pizza before assistants tell them to wait in the bus because they’re in the way.
Beyonce has pretty much hijacked the Super Bowl from Coldplay, so I’m sure she’ll make Kanye West’s album Waves sink when she releases her new album for free on the same day as his. And she’s probably going to announce she’s knocked up with triplets at the beginning of the Grammys next Monday, so everyone nominated can go ahead and cancel their dress fittings and stay home since that show is going to be a Beyonce worship fest too.
Anyway, here’s the video which is a Vogue spread meets a Black Lives Matter protest meets Big Freedia meets Beyonce sinking a cop car meets Blue Ivy’s first communion:
On one hand, I can’t really get into this all the way, because Basement Baby is supposed to be the Queen of New Orleans! Beyonce just had to snatch that crown away from her! But on the other hand, I love the lyric “When he fuck me good, I take his ass to Red Lobster.” I mean, really good dick is worthy of a bottomless basket of Cheddar Bay Biscuits.
The NAACP Image Awards happened in Pasadena, CA last night, and once again, grand master poser Taraji P. Henson melted the eyelashes off of hos left and right with her extra hot posing game. At the Golden Globes last month, Taraji took us on a journey with her poses. She was Scarlett O’Hara with the vapors. She was a shocked Norma Desmond. She was me whenever one of my friends get me a new butt plug for my birthday. She was everything and more. Taraji played it a little more subtle at the NAACPs last night, but she still posed like she was head of her class at Phoebe Price’s Community College of Exuding Raw Glamour.
Empire won a few NAACP Awards last night including one for Taraji for Outstanding Actress in a Drama Series. Taraji should’ve won another award for Outstanding Posing While Holding A Trophy Backstage At The NAACP Awards. Taraji served up intrigue and orgasm faces while posing with that award. She also gets extra points for making sure that we all got a good view of that trophy’s crotch. And I even love that she looked like a cross between Morticia Addams going to a daytime business meeting and a casual Magica de Spell.
Here’s a million more pictures from last night of everyone looking like they’re wearing dresses they bought at Windsor Fashions in the 90s. Well, everyone except for Cree Summer who looked like Pilgrim Pippi Longstocking on the right kind of acid.
In the 80s, England was the Queen of the dude pop duos. They gifted all of our senses with musical jewels like Erasure, Pet Shop Boys, Wham!, Soft Cell and Climie Fisher (don’t act like you still don’t know every word of Love Changes Everything). Germany must have gotten sick of England being the largest creator and exporter of pop duos, because in the mid-80s Modern Talking was born!
Zsa Zsa Gabor (99)
Dane DeHaan (30)
Kris Humphries (31)
Crystal Reed (31)
Alice Eve (34)
Calum Best (35)
Drita D’avanzo (40)
Kim Zmeskal (40)
Brian Stepanek (45)
David Hayter (47)
Rick Astley (50)
Axl Rose (54)
Robert Townsend (59)
Kathy Najimy (59)
Jim Sheridan (67)
Tom Brokaw (76)
Mike Farrell (77)
Rip Torn (85)
Mamie Van Doren (85)
Prince Hot Ginge visited with little children at a school in Lancashire today. PHG seems so good with children and that’s a good thing, because he can deal with the kids as I get drunk while watching Real Housewives on my iPad in the bathroom where it’s fucking quiet – Lainey Gossip
Sofia Vergara won’t complain about diversity, but she will complain in a few years about her magnificent chichis being too big when she needs a titty reduction – Celebitchy
Good news for Teresa Giudice! Her house arrest (which she spent getting her picture taken at events) is over, so now she can go to events to get her picture taken! – Reality Tea
MiserAlba looks like a dead-eyed mannequin in Cosmopolitan – Drunken Stepfather
If Robert Kardashian’s ghost really did help Kanye West write his album, then I’m guessing songs titled “Tell That Cunt Whore Kris She Tainted My Daughters” and “Okay, O.J. Really Did It” will be on it – The Superficial
That big-tittied blonde model who isn’t Kate Upton did GQ Mexico – IDLYITW
A British boy bander not named Harry Styles came out as a lover of peen – Towleroad
This deer obviously framed Steven Avery too – The Berry
Hilary Duff celebrated her divorce being final by going to Hawaii with her son and the dude she just got divorced from – Popoholic
I thought this was LeAnn Rimes and now I feel like I need to write a really long apology note to Natalie Dormer – Hollywood Tuna
I see that Kanye West is styling Chrissy Teigen now – Popsugar
Nice try, Chris Martin, but you’re still about as edgy as a beige Polo shirt with a popped collar – HuffPo
Kesha and her mom won a little victory against Dr. Luke – Just Jared
The Property Brothers released a shitty country music video and all I can say is that I really hope Sandra Rinomato, formerly of Property Virgins, releases a disco song one day – Starcasm
Weekend Programming Note: I’m doing this weekend by myself, so it’s going to be on the light side and since I’ll most likely be day drinking there might be more mistakes than usual. But really, what else is new?
Henry Cavill posted this picture on Instagram today of him doing Superman training for the Justice League movie. It took me a while to notice his face (“Wait, there’s a face in that picture? Where?!” – you while licking the screen and typing at the same time), but when I did I noticed that his facial expression was a cross between an O face and a “concentrating really hard on trying to poot out a stubborn fart” face. But then again, isn’t there a thin line between someone’s O face and someone’s fart face? I need to stop before I find another way to ruin this hotness even more than I have.
And someone really needs to tell Henry that if he’s serious about his Superman training, he needs to do naked jumping jacks in a SnapChat video. I mean, the real Superman did that while training. I read that in a Superman comic book or something.
When Daisy Fuentes and Richard Marx got married in Aspen back in December, my brain though “Well that’s nice” and then promptly filed said information into the trash, along with what I ate for lunch and the plot of the 1985 film Perfect. So obviously I got a raging case of Groundhog Day when I saw that Daisy Fuentes and Richard Marx got married in Los Angeles last night. Thankfully, my brain doesn’t empty the trash that often, so I was able to go in and confirm that, yes, these two are already married and, no, I’m not losing my mind.
According to Karent Sierra (yes, former RHOM cast member Karent Sierra), the guest list at Daisy and Richard’s Aspen wedding was limited to close family only. So Daisy and Richard decided to throw themselves a second Aspen-themed wedding because none of their friends were at the first one. Daisy and Richard didn’t do the whole vow thing, but they did have bunch of fake snow and played a video of their Aspen wedding on a constant loop.
E! says the guest list at Daisy and Richard’s second wedding also included Ringo Starr, Kenny G, and David Foster. Oh my god, that’s like a waiting room’s dream.
Daisy and Richard apparently took the Aspen theme all the way to the reception dress code by asking their guests to show up wearing “Aspen attire.” Okay, someone failed here. Neither Daisy or Richard, or any of their friends were wearing Aspen attire. There wasn’t a single pair of neon ski pants, neon ski boots, Bollé goggles, or white turtleneck to be seen. And yes, I’m basing everything I know about “Aspen attire” on this Juicy Fruit commercial.