Archives: February 2016

Open Post: Hosted By The Game, His Penis, And His Lecture Via Hashtags

February 13, 2016 / Posted by:

Hey, it’s my first Open Post! An Open Post virgin no longer! I can’t wait to read what ya’ll talk about today! If you’re hurting for subject matter – The Game (jesus please us, that name) put another pic of himself and his rod up on Instagram. This time it’s straining against his compression shorts and once again accompanied by an arkful of hashtags. The hashtags combine to form a lecture on how to treat your lady this Valentine’s Day. The Game’s idea of a good Valentine’s Day includes flowers, very expensive purses, and expertly applied cunnilingus. I’ll say it – The Game sounds like he and his formidable cock have got Valentine’s Day down pat!

#ValentinesDayWeekendSpecial #TimeToBreakTheInternetAgain #WhatIsHeDoingForYou #DoesHePayYourBills #ItAintTrickin #DoesHeTakeCareOfYourKids #DoesHeLickItFromTheFrontToTheBack #HasHeSlidUnderThatPussyLikeAMechanichAndTunedItUpWitHisTongue #AndHeBetNotSayValentinesDayIsForBothOfUs #ItsForWomen #NowHandleYourBusinessBeforeIDo #SheDeservesA5000DollarPurse #SheDeservesFlowersEveryday #WhatSheHasIsAReflectionOfYou #SoMakeHerLookLikeSheGotTheSameStylistAsAKardashian #EatHerPussyLikeSheMadeJesusTheLastSupper #RunHerBathsUntilTheWaterIsWarmAsAMiamiMorningInTheSpring #TreatThatWomanLikeBarackTreatsMichelle #EspeciallyIfSheTreatsYouLikeAyeshaTreatsSteph #YouHad364DaysToPrepareForSundayBihhhh #MakeThatWomanHappy #ifHeDont #SlideInTheDMAndWeGoneFigureItOut #MeatPrintPapiHasSpoken #DropsMic

Hallmark released a card for V-Day this year that mentioned “eating her pussy like she made the Last Supper,” didn’t they? If it’s not in the religious cards section, then it’s definitely under “Shoexbox.”

For those of you who would like to see “MeatPrintPapi’s” meatprint, the NSFW version is after the cut.


All Of The Important People In The World Were At The Adele Concert Last Night

February 13, 2016 / Posted by:

Everyone who you’re not and never will be was at the Adele show in LA last night. Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson, Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone, Woody Harrelson, Katy Perry, Orlando Bloom, and John Mayer were among the crowd screaming like the final girl in a horror movie when Adele went “Hello…”.

Here’s some slightly blurry and sort of far-away shots of the various celebrities entering and/or exiting the theater. Let’s see, there’s Katy Perry’s ass arriving. As you will note in those particular shots, I type that literally. Later on, you get to see her and Orlando Bloom exiting out of the VIP fire escape. Katy’s coat is giving me an uncomfortable feeling because it bears an eerie resemblance to my apricot-colored teacup poodle. For serious, his fur is the exact shade and consistency as that piece of apparel. He’s still here and not skinned. I checked. The last thing I need is some pop skeeve with breasts that shoot non-lactate substances breaking into my home and de-furring my dog.

There’s Jennifer Lawrence and Emma Stone exiting the side door as well. Joy seems to be trying to assist Ms. Stone in navigating those stairs. Drunks! But who doesn’t get shittoed at concerts? It should be noted that someone at the Wiltern obviously hates celebs. Making tricks who can afford the really quality booze and drugs exit down a really high staircase post-concert is asking for ambulances. I’m not judging!

According to TMZ, John Mayer was in attendance with a new lucky lady who’s hopefully had all of her shots. I hope there was some weirdness between him and Katy and Legolas. Legolas is the kind of douche who will slap at another douche so perhaps their celebrity skyboxes got crossed somehow and there was friction.

In lower-tier famous news, David Foster and Gayle King (see below) were on the premises. Wait, are they dating? Does that Lyme-disease claimin’ Yolanda Foster chick know that her ex is stepping out with Oprah’s lady? Shit, does Oprah know? Gayle better proceed with caution. Or the next president she’ll be interviewing will be at the Career Center because O will consign her to the curb.

Check out more pics of Katy Perry, Orlando Bloom, Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone, David Foster, and Gayle King in the gallery.

Pics: Splash

No Doubt Replaced Gwen Stefani

February 13, 2016 / Posted by:

The other members of No Doubt (her ex-bf from her teen years, the guy in the diaper, and the…there’s another dude right? He’s tall?) finally admitted to themselves what the rest of us have known since the mid-90s. They’re merely overly dramatic doodler Gwen Stefani’s back-up band! With realization comes action, and they’ve tossed her out on her tartan bondage pants and 70s coke whore wigs and gotten a new guy!

Yeah, they’ve replaced their female lead singer with a dude. His name is Davey Havok, and he’s normally fronting a band called AFI. You know you’ve annoyed the very lifeforce out of your band when they replace you with someone of the opposing gender.

Billboard sez (via E!) that the band recruited Havok to take Gwen’s place when she’s busy flying solo (and cheesing it for the cameras with Blake Shelton for the umpteenth time. Seriously, spend a night at home. We get it. Cross-promotion is the newest fuck position. Check).

Obviously they got sick of waiting around while she named children badly and spun around in that stupid judging chair. They’ve reportedly already recorded a full album and are shoppng it around for a record deal. There’s no word yet on whether they’ll be using “No Doubt” as their band name. They should use “Full of Doubt” because this shit’s going nowhere. I’m not trying to hate. I liked “Spiderwebs” as much as the next 90s power pop-appreciating homosexual but let’s be truthful. Someone named Davey caterwauling a cover of “Don’t Speak” is not the look. Although, seeing as that’s the worst song of all time, it would probably be an improvement.

As you’ve probably read, Gwen dropped the track listing for her new record as well as the first single. You can listen to “Make Me Like You” below.

Check out more pics of Gwen mean-muggin’ the paps and taking her kid to church in North Hollywood last weekend in the gallery.

Pics: WENN

Emma Thompson Advocates Solving The #OscarsSoWhite Problem With Murder

February 13, 2016 / Posted by:

Good for her. I see Emma Thompson and I are both writing Babs Johnson’s name on the presidential ballot come November. As reported by London Live (via Vanity Fair), The Grand Duchess of DontGiveAFuck-stan (Exhibit A: that outfit) was attending the British Film Awards when she was asked about this year’s pale and tragic Oscar nominations. Q: How would you solve the lack of diversity at the Oscars, Em? A: Kill em’ all and let Bruce Vilanch sort it out!

Let’s face it, the Oscar membership is mainly old, white men. That’s the fact of it. So, either you wait for them all to die,” said before jokingly offering up another option. “Or kill them off slowly—I mean, I don’t know. There’s so many options, aren’t there?

There really are – bludgeoning, stabbing, shooting, riding lawn mower, wedgies…(no, for real)

Nanny McPhee’s got a point despite her newly admitted tendency towards sadism. “Slowly?” Yeesh.

Emma also described the whole controversy as “hilarious,” noting that “it’s no change there. It’s not as if [the Oscar nominations have] ever been awash with people of color.” Emma doesn’t just throw shoes, she throws truth!

Check out more pics of Emma Thompson at the press night for Guys and Dolls at the Savoy Theater in London last month in the gallery.

Pics: WENN

Hot Sluts Of The Day!

February 13, 2016 / Posted by:

Breakfast Club!

Every morning before sunrise when Madonna gets into her coffin to sleep, she lets out a breath of regret, because she still can’t believe that she left the band Breakfast Club before they really hit it big with the song of 1987 “Right On Track.” It was the biggest mistake of her life and imagine what her career could’ve been if she stuck with them.

Breakfast Club was a band from NYC that was born in 1979 and lasted until the early 90s. Madge was the drummer of it (and she dated the lead singer) for a minute in the early 80s and she quit that bitch to join a different band. They had a few singles and their one album came out in 1987. Wikipedia says that they recorded a second album but they never put it out. They’re apparently planning to put it out this year.

“Right On Track” was their only hit. I’m a shitty child of the late 80s, because I don’t have “Right On Track” in my iTunes playlist named All-Time Classics. But my ears were filled with pop nostalgia the other day when a liquor store I was in played it. The only thing more perfect than the song was the video, which is pretty much what a barf puddle from the late 80s would look like. It looks like it was shot on a bootleg Pee-wee’s Playhouse set and it has a chorus of singing chickens in it. What more could you want? They were also ahead of their time fashion-wise because they dressed like Johnny Depp in Benny & Joon long before Benny & Joon was made.

But more importantly, Breakfast Club will be treated like VIPs when they get to heaven because they put pink Earth angel Angelyne in their video. They are automatically saints for that reason alone.


Birthday Sluts

February 13, 2016 / Posted by:

Henry Rollins (55)
Prince Michael Jackson I (19)
Mena Suvari (37)
Feist (40)
Katie Hopkins (42)
Robbie Williams (42)
Kelly Hu (48)
Carolyn Lawrence (49)
Neal McDonough (50)
Hugh Dennis (54)
Pernilla August (58)
Denise Austin (59)
Peter Gabriel (66)
Stockard Channing (72)
Jerry Springer (72)
Carol Lynley (74)
Peter Tork (74)
George Segal (82)
Kim Novak (83)
Emanuel Ungaro (83)
Chuck Yeager (93)


Night Crumbs

February 12, 2016 / Posted by:

Um, that hot piece Henry Cavill should shave some fur off of his stomach and glued it to his bangs because they’re struggling a bit… – Lainey Gossip 

The greatest love story in history, George and Amal Clooney, were at Berlinale. I like her dress but only because it’s very Alexis Carrington Barbie – Celebitchy

Love Magazine took a break from stuffing itself full of Kartrashians to stuff itself full of the Hadid sisters – Drunken Stepfather

I read this headline as Ted Cruz cast in a porn” and sadly I said to myself that I’d fap to that. Standards and dignity: I have none – WWTDD

Good news, anti-vaxxers! Kevin “I Fucked My Cousin” Gates is on your side – The Superficial 

Rubber Muppet Sonja Morgan went on rubber Muppet Khloe Kartrashian’s show to talk about how she’s fighting with rubber Muppet Bethenny Frankel again – Reality Tea 

Miranda Kerr is either growing a billionaire fetus in her womb or she’s got a little caviar bloat – IDLYITW

If I threw one egg at my mom, I wouldn’t be able to throw a second one because she’d chop my hands off – Hollywood Tuna 

Being an extra in Kanye West’s fashion show sounds like Hell personified – Jezebel

A tiny bit of the raw emotions trickled out of Ellen DeGeneres while talking about gay rights with President ObamaTowleroad

Kristen Wiig as Peyton Manning: I’d hit it – OMG Blog

Jennifer Lawrence donated $2 million to a children’s hospital – Just Jared

Coachella is still a couple of months away but it looks like its queen is already ready – Popoholic

Hilary Duff is in a bikini on the beach and the paps taking her picture were probably so confused. They were like, “She’s not walking to her car, do we take her picture anyway?” – Popsugar

Weekend programming note: Sadly, Carla didn’t work out as Dlisted’s new weekend writer and I’m going away for my sister’s birthday, so our resident guest blogger J. Harvey will be filling in on Saturday and  Sunday. Be sure to ask him for nudes. I’ll be back full-time on Monday!

Pic: Getty


Open Post: Hosted By Alexander Skarsgard Striking Coy Pin-Up Poses

February 12, 2016 / Posted by:

That is some “Touch me in the morning, then just walk away” tease.

Alexander Skarsgard is currently at the Berlin International Film Festival where he’s pimping out his movie with Michael Pena called War on Everyone. War on Everyone is a comedy about two corrupt cops in New Mexico who blackmail every criminal they deal with. So it sounds like it’s like True Detective if True Detective was on Comedy Central. We’re all probably wondering if ASkars gets naked in this shit and if he does, for how long (if you read that as “how long is it,” that works too) and is it going to be released in IMAX 3D? None of the synopses about this movie mentioned that. I know, how unprofessional and incompetent of those synopsis writers. I hope at least ASkars wears a loin cloth in this since he doesn’t in that Tarzan mess.

There was a press conference at Berlinale for the movie today and ASkars made tips moist and clits tingle when he turned around and served up some “Why don’t you come up sometime and see me?” flirtiness. If Tarzan flops hard and he’s ran out of Hollywood, he can always be a pose coach at Barbizon.


Adele Says She’ll Never Listen To Her Own Music

February 12, 2016 / Posted by:

Well that makes two of us” hissed Noel Gallagher.

Adele, the curator of the soundtrack to your sad drunk shower cries, is on the cover of this month’s VOGUE (sidebar: raise your hand if you to are side-eyeing whoever thought it would be cute to put that “She Had Us At Hello” on the cover). And one thing I learned about Adele is that Adele isn’t doing handography in her kitchen to “When We Were Young” or practicing dramatic faces to “Skyfall” in the mirror like the rest of us. According to Adele, Adele would never. But wait – what does Adele listen to when she’s crying into a tub of ice cream in her bathrobe? This is a real “If a tree falls in the forest” situation.


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