That picture is from the end of the halftime show when Chris Martin shit into his flower Underoos because he finally realized that inviting Beyonce and Bruno Mars to do the show with him was a bad idea because nobody’s going to remember his ass.
Coldplay opened the Super Bowl halftime show tonight and the only thing I remember about them is that Chris and the band were wearing clothes that should’ve never ever been made in adult sizes and their part of the performance was like the opening of the Olympics in Beijing if the opening of the Olympics in Beijing had the budget of a $25 gift certificate to Cost Plus World Market.
After Coldplay threatened to put Ambien out of business by putting every bitch to sleep, the slick Hobbit that is Bruno Mars did an MC Hammer impersonation and Beyonce busted out her new song “Formation” while in chorus girl Michael Jackson drag. Beyonce and Bruno Mars’ parts melded into some kind of weird ass West Side Story dance-off before Chris Martin jumped back in to remind all of us that he still exists.
Never mind that Chris Martin moves around like a constipated hunchback orangutan, I nearly made the sign of the cross when Beyonce almost fell. I knew that if the holy god Beyonce fell, the planet would split in two and the world would end. Beyonce also announced her new tour at the end of that performance, because, you know, she just had to.
And really, Taraji P. Henson did something tonight that was a million times more entertaining than that Super Bowl halftime show. She tweeted this along with a picture of Coldplay onstage:
I still want to marry every inch of that tweet even though it looks like she wasn’t being shady (uh huh).
The final score is:
Broncos: Who cares.
Panthers: Who Cares:
Cookie: All of the points. All of them.
Every Super Bowl is pretty damn gay, but Super Bowl 50 is super, super gay. Like always, we’ve got muscle queens in satin leggings playing with balls and pounding each other’s asses hard, and this year we’ve also got Lady Gaga opening this shit up and Beyonce doing the halftime show. They should’ve went all the way by bringing Richard Simmons out of retirement to be one of the team’s head cheerleader.
Anyway, Lady CaCa yodeled out “The National Anthem” at the beginning of the Super Smoke A Bowl today and nearly half of the hos on my Twitter timeline were screaming, “Bitch can sing her face off!” Well, I do think she sang her face off in rehearsals, because she was wearing a totally different one during the actual performance. I didn’t mind, though, because she looked like a mash-up of Effie Trinket as a 70s pimp and a Thundercat going to a Fourth of July party at Studio 54.
And as for her performance, she laid it on thick and brought all the extras. Kanye West’s ass was probably stuck to the screen the whole time because Lady Gaga kept waving her finger around.
I was aaaaaaaaalmost with CaCa until that chest bump. Celine Dion’s husband and brother just died and Gaga does her wrong by stealing her trademark move on a Sunday? Jail Gaga for that!
Petite boy nymph Joseph Gordon-Levitt has always been “meh” to me, but seeing his uneven crotch beard sticking out of some black chonies while he sticks his hairy gut out and smokes on a miniature joint is doing things to my senses. Dude looks like a stoner Christian Grey. He’s giving me Fifty Shades of Funyuns.
JGL was crowned Harvard University’s Hasty Pudding Man of the Year on Friday and before he got to take home his award, he was roasted and had to complete a few challenges. JGL had to go through a bunch of obstacles like dry humping a drag queen’s ass and sucking on a cow’s tit like it was a rock hard peen. I know, Hasty Pudding calls those “obstacles” and Charlie Sheen it a slow weeknight.
And yes, yes, I’d hit it. I’d put on a cow costume and let him hit it while sucking on a fake joint.
Pic: AP, Getty
The British government needs to raise taxes, because Duchess Kate deserves a major employee of the month bonus. I mean, trick is working on a Sunday! While Prince Hot Ginge sleeps off his hangover on a bed covered with naked dishwater blondes and THE QUEEN spends her Sunday getting drunk on Werther’s Original-tinis with her Corgis as they crank call Camilla, Duchess Kate worked an event in London.
Duchess Kate worked overtime by smiling, waving and shaking hands at the 75th anniversary of the Royal Air Force Air Cadets today. While wearing a hat that kind of looks like a giant blue suede condom, Duchess Kate talked with a 19-year-old cadet and told her that the future King of England wants to fly planes like his daddy one day. via People
During the event, Kate told cadet Lucinda Conder, 19, that she had shown George, who is 2-and-a-half, pictures of Spitfire fighter planes after a royal engagement.
“He is now obsessed with the air cadets and wants to join,” Ms. Conder, from Hammersmith in west London, told reporters on Sunday.
Whoever writes the words that Duchess Kate says at events needs to get it together. Prince George is 2 years old and 2 year olds are like me after 6 drinks and 2 bowls: They don’t know what they’re saying! (But then again, I don’t know what I’m saying while completely sober.) Besides, Prince George probably wants to be what he’s going to be, which is the King of Fucking England. I mean, he’ll get to do what he does now. He’ll terrorize the citizens of England and whenever some kid refuses to hand over their toy to him, he’ll send their parents to the gallows and cackle while doing so. I can’t wait for him to be king!
Whoopi Goldberg, your messy auntie who makes you wish you brought straight-up crack to smoke on Thanksgiving when she opens up her mouth at the dinner table, has been the head pecking hen on The View for almost 10 seasons now. Anybody who still watches it (and yes, I still watch it, because it gives me a reason to drink on a weekday morning) knows that Whoopi stopped giving a fuck about that job years ago. Whoopi is the kind of employee who will go into the fridge in the break room, eat someone’s yogurt with a note that reads, “DO NOT EAT, THIS IS EMILY’S YOGURT,” on it and admit to doing it. Whoopi don’t care, and now apparently executives at ABC are beginning to think that she’s daring them to put a pink slip in her bong.
A source tells Page Six that Whoopi makes $5 million a year and she’s currently on the last season of her 4 season contract. Whoopi may be trying to get out of her contract early by getting fired, because she’s apparently been acting as pleasant as a fist job from Edward Scissorhands. The source spilled this out:
The actress and host, now in the final year of a four-year contract, last year reportedly created a scene when she paraded around saying, “I’s a work for ABC, who is my master. I’s a slave to ABC. It’s ‘12 Years a Whoopi’ at ABC, referring to the movie 12 Years a Slave.
Whoopi has been so antagonistic, she’s constantly at war with management. It’s so bad that some execs think she’s daring them to fire her so she can go off and do other things, particularly after her ‘slave’ outburst. She knows if they did fire her, they’d have to pay out her contract and she’d be paid $5 million for doing nothing.
Whoopi loves the money, but she doesn’t want to work so hard anymore. She doesn’t come in prepared, she doesn’t really engage with other panelists and guests. She gives some one-liners and moves on. Her contract is up at the end of this season, and even if she does renew, it would be for significantly less money.”
Whoopi’s brains really are made of burnt shank weed if she screws up that gig. Bitch is living the dream. She gets to stumble into work stoned and brain fart up her thoughts about a subject without doing any kind of research or having any kind of knowledge on it. I wish I had that job! Oh…wait…
The Quarterback Princess (as played by Helen Hunt)!
In honor of America’s biggest sporting event of the year, THE PUPPY BOWL, (Oh, yeah, and I guess that Beyonce show, featuring some band and some football teams is happening too) let’s pay tribute to an important football and sports icon. Every Super Bowl Sunday, I automatically think of the 1983 football masterpiece Quarterback Princess!
Quarterback Princess was mostly a true story based on the life of Tami Maida, a feminist legend who became a junior varsity quarterback at her high school in Philomath,Oregon. The football coach at Tami’s high school tried to keep her down and wouldn’t let her join the team, because she’s a chick, but she showed his ass and was named quarterback. Tami did double duty during her school’s homecoming game, because not only did she play in it, but she was also crowned homecoming queen at the dance. Tami Maida did it all.
Hollywood made a movie about her starring Helen Hunt, Jo from Melrose Place and Tim Ribbons. The entire thing is on YouTube and I watched a huge chunk of it this morning. The only thing I have to say about it is that it’s a good thing for Peyton Manning that the Quarterback Princess is retired from the game, because if she wasn’t, she’d probably be the current QB of the Broncos. I’m sure she still has it!
Chris Rock (51)
Jake Goldberg (20)
Stephen Colletti (30)
James Deen (30)
Tina Majorino (31)
Deborah Ann Woll (31)
Ashton Kutcher (38)
Kelly Choi (40)
Essence Atkins (44)
Marlo Hampton (44)
Robyn Lively (44)
Jason Gedrick (51)
Garth Brooks (54)
David Bryan (54)
Eddie Izzard (54)
James Spader (56)
Emo Philips (60)
Dieter Bohlen (61)
Miguel Ferrer (61)
Salma Hayek had to go to the hospital the other day after she busted her head while shooting scenes for her new movie Drunk Parents. (Side note: Drunk Parents is from the makers of Grown-Ups 2. Bitch knows she’s a billionaire’s wife, right?! She does not need a check that bad.) Salma was checked out and everything turned out to be okay. While she was at the hospital, Salma saved the lives of some patients dying of dehydration by giving them leche from her world-saving magnificent chichis and she also took this picture with the doctors who treated her. Salma threw the pic up on Instagram and explained why she was wearing a t-shirt with the white lady version of Janet Jackson’s Rolling Stone cover on it.
I had to be rushed from set to the ER for a minor head injury. Unfortunately my wardrobe for the scene was completely inappropriate for the hospital. Thank you to doctors Foster and Ellspermann for taking such good care of me! And don’t worry it didn’t make me any crazier than I was! #hospital #emergency #doctors #nude #wardrobe
Before I read Salma’s explanation for why she’s wearing that elegant t-shirt, I figured that she finally fired her stylist, got some taste and has started wearing truly sophisticated outfits. I’m sad it’s only a costume. But really, if soggy tampon Piers Morgan wasn’t busy jacking his rage boner to all the titty pictures Susan Sarandon’s supporters are sending him, he’d let Salma Hayek know how inappropriate it is for her to show cleavage at a hospital!
Why do I have a feeling that Miley Cyrus can’t keep a housekeeper? Every time she licks the floor, they quit on the spot, because they don’t work with boric acid and know that’s the only kind of shit that can get Miley’s tongue smegma out of natural stone.
Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have been back together for about 15 minutes and they’re really making up for lost time. They got re-engaged and she also bought the place next to his. Curbed says that the hillbilly gender fluid chipmunk already owns a $3.9 million house in Studio City and a $5 million ranch in Hidden Hills. She recently paid $2.5 million for a 4 bedroom, 1,384 square foot house that is right next to Liam Hemsworth’s place in Malibu.
TMZ says that Miley’s house is going to be her main house and she bought it because Liam’s place doesn’t have room for all her crap and her 5 dogs. Liam always has friends staying with him so Miley bought the 60s elementary school-looking ass house next door. Miley and Liam may put their places together and make one giant estate in the future.
Who knew that the hillbilly chipmunk took relationship tips from Taylor Swift? The good news for Liam is that since Miley has her own place, he doesn’t have to worry about walking into his kitchen and finding Billy Ray Cyrus eating his Corn Pops because Billy Ray’s place was fresh out of them and Miley was late with paying her family’s allowance again. But the bad news is that if the impossible happens and Liam and Miley’s unbreakable love eats shit, they’ll still be next door neighbors and that won’t end well. It’ll end with Liam having to take his new girlfriend to the ER after a rabid Miley infected her with rabies while attacking her on the driveway in a jealous rage.
The Beyhive planned to use this Saturday as a day of rest to prepare their bodies for tomorrow when they’re going to hump the TV while chanting their favorite psalm (aka their favorite Beyonce song) when she performs on the Super Bowl Halftime Show, but their god fucked that all up by putting out her new song and video. Beyonce first released her new song “Formation” on Tidal, but even she knows that mess is dried up, so it was released on YouTube six seconds later. Beyonce will perform her new song during the halftime show tomorrow while the supposed headliners Coldplay sit backstage eating lukewarm pizza before assistants tell them to wait in the bus because they’re in the way.
Beyonce has pretty much hijacked the Super Bowl from Coldplay, so I’m sure she’ll make Kanye West’s album Waves sink when she releases her new album for free on the same day as his. And she’s probably going to announce she’s knocked up with triplets at the beginning of the Grammys next Monday, so everyone nominated can go ahead and cancel their dress fittings and stay home since that show is going to be a Beyonce worship fest too.
Anyway, here’s the video which is a Vogue spread meets a Black Lives Matter protest meets Big Freedia meets Beyonce sinking a cop car meets Blue Ivy’s first communion:
On one hand, I can’t really get into this all the way, because Basement Baby is supposed to be the Queen of New Orleans! Beyonce just had to snatch that crown away from her! But on the other hand, I love the lyric “When he fuck me good, I take his ass to Red Lobster.” I mean, really good dick is worthy of a bottomless basket of Cheddar Bay Biscuits.