Um, that hot piece Henry Cavill should shave some fur off of his stomach and glued it to his bangs because they’re struggling a bit… – Lainey Gossip
The greatest love story in history, George and Amal Clooney, were at Berlinale. I like her dress but only because it’s very Alexis Carrington Barbie – Celebitchy
Love Magazine took a break from stuffing itself full of Kartrashians to stuff itself full of the Hadid sisters – Drunken Stepfather
I read this headline as “Ted Cruz cast in a porn” and sadly I said to myself that I’d fap to that. Standards and dignity: I have none – WWTDD
Good news, anti-vaxxers! Kevin “I Fucked My Cousin” Gates is on your side – The Superficial
Rubber Muppet Sonja Morgan went on rubber Muppet Khloe Kartrashian’s show to talk about how she’s fighting with rubber Muppet Bethenny Frankel again – Reality Tea
Miranda Kerr is either growing a billionaire fetus in her womb or she’s got a little caviar bloat – IDLYITW
If I threw one egg at my mom, I wouldn’t be able to throw a second one because she’d chop my hands off – Hollywood Tuna
Being an extra in Kanye West’s fashion show sounds like Hell personified – Jezebel
A tiny bit of the raw emotions trickled out of Ellen DeGeneres while talking about gay rights with President Obama – Towleroad
Kristen Wiig as Peyton Manning: I’d hit it – OMG Blog
Jennifer Lawrence donated $2 million to a children’s hospital – Just Jared
Coachella is still a couple of months away but it looks like its queen is already ready – Popoholic
Hilary Duff is in a bikini on the beach and the paps taking her picture were probably so confused. They were like, “She’s not walking to her car, do we take her picture anyway?” – Popsugar
Weekend programming note: Sadly, Carla didn’t work out as Dlisted’s new weekend writer and I’m going away for my sister’s birthday, so our resident guest blogger J. Harvey will be filling in on Saturday and Sunday. Be sure to ask him for nudes. I’ll be back full-time on Monday!
That is some “Touch me in the morning, then just walk away” tease.
Alexander Skarsgard is currently at the Berlin International Film Festival where he’s pimping out his movie with Michael Pena called War on Everyone. War on Everyone is a comedy about two corrupt cops in New Mexico who blackmail every criminal they deal with. So it sounds like it’s like True Detective if True Detective was on Comedy Central. We’re all probably wondering if ASkars gets naked in this shit and if he does, for how long (if you read that as “how long is it,” that works too) and is it going to be released in IMAX 3D? None of the synopses about this movie mentioned that. I know, how unprofessional and incompetent of those synopsis writers. I hope at least ASkars wears a loin cloth in this since he doesn’t in that Tarzan mess.
There was a press conference at Berlinale for the movie today and ASkars made tips moist and clits tingle when he turned around and served up some “Why don’t you come up sometime and see me?” flirtiness. If Tarzan flops hard and he’s ran out of Hollywood, he can always be a pose coach at Barbizon.
“Well that makes two of us” hissed Noel Gallagher.
Adele, the curator of the soundtrack to your sad drunk shower cries, is on the cover of this month’s VOGUE (sidebar: raise your hand if you to are side-eyeing whoever thought it would be cute to put that “She Had Us At Hello” on the cover). And one thing I learned about Adele is that Adele isn’t doing handography in her kitchen to “When We Were Young” or practicing dramatic faces to “Skyfall” in the mirror like the rest of us. According to Adele, Adele would never. But wait – what does Adele listen to when she’s crying into a tub of ice cream in her bathrobe? This is a real “If a tree falls in the forest” situation.
Well, Caitlyn Jenner does need the money. I mean, she obviously can’t afford clothes and has to steal outfits off of the dead corpses of homeless zombies on Skid Row. How dreadful. But what’s really dreadful is that outfit that makes Caitlyn look like she had a Chico’s kind of day that ended with her getting attacked by rabid hyenas was “designed” by Kanye West so it probably cost more than Lil’ Kim’s last face.
Seen above with the living and breathing Mattel Little Pretty Kitty toy named Lil’ Kim at the Yeezy season 3 show, Caitlyn Jenner has filed the latest lawsuit in the crash on PCH that left a woman dead. TMZ says that Caitlyn has filed a cross-complaint against Jessica Steindorff who was driving the Prius in front of her. If you’re like me, you probably know the details of this car crash better than you know the details of your own damn birth. But if you don’t, what happened was that Caitlyn’s SUV hit a white Lexus in front of her causing the car to shoot into the next lane where it was hit by an oncoming Hummer. The driver of the Lexus, Kim Howe, died. As Kim’s car went into the next lane, Caitlyn’s SUV hit the Prius that was in front of the Lexus.
Bill Murray is currently playing in the four-day Pebble Beach Pro-Am golf tournament, and I guess his caddy brought up Larger Than Life or something, because he was apparently in a real shit mood last night. So shitty, in fact, that he pulled a Sean Penn on a couple fans who tried to take his picture.
According to TMZ, Bill Murray’s phone drama happened on the rooftop lounge of a restaurant in Carmel, CA after he was done playing golf for the day. The owner of the restaurant claims there were a few fans who were sitting about ten feet away from Bill Murray and were trying to take his picture. And since it was night time, they had their flash on. This is when Bill grew tired of their bullshit, got up, grabbed their phones, and whipped them off the roof. The restaurant owner says Bill wasn’t drinking anything (uh huh), and he got out of there almost immediately after he released their phones into the air like doves at a wedding.
Not surprisingly, the cops showed up to deal with this mess, but Bill had already bailed. TMZ says police eventually tracked him down, and he’s agreed to pay for the damages to the phones. The phone owners have decided not to press any charges. Meanwhile, the owner of the restaurant has decided to ban people from taking pictures because he doesn’t want to deal with another Bill Murray moment.
Normally I wouldn’t advocate violence against phones, since they have given me so much (mobile reviews of local Taco Bells) and ask so little in return. But I cannot sanction such dark-sided evilness as taking a picture of someone with the flash on. Nobody looks good with the flash! Even Grace Kelly looks like Gollum with the flash on. So yeah, I feel you Bill Murray.
To paraphrase one of my favorite philosophers Frankie Lons: This is a Manilow down, code 10 situation!
It is a shitty, shitty week for glamour and opulence. First, the human version of a diamond lying at the bottom of a crystal flute full of champagne, Zsa Zsa Gabor, had to undergo emergency surgery after she got a lung infection caused by her feeding tube. And now, the human version of a lit up neon palm tree, Barry Manilow, is laid up in a hospital bed after he too had to have emergency surgery.
Reuters says that Barry had oral surgery on Monday and I guess he was well enough to perform, because he put on a show in Memphis, TN last night. But something went wrong with Barry and right after his show, he flew to Los Angeles to see his doctors. Barry’s rep said that he had “complications” from the oral surgery and had to go through surgery again. A few of his shows have been rescheduled, because his mouth needs time to recover enough for him to yodel out gold-covered musical notes. This note went up today on Barry’s Facebook page:
Manilow Out of Surgery
Barry is out of surgery and doing well. His Doctors report that the surgery was successful and they expect no further complications. For the next forty eight hours, Manilow has been instructed not to talk, sing, or rap.
Barry thanks everyone for their well wishes and concern.
Barry was nominated for a Grammy but he may not grace the awards show with his presence on Monday.
You know that the Fanilows have stuck ear plugs in their hearing holes and will keep them in there for the next 48 hours, because they refuse to listen to anything until their God can sing again. But really, 2016 is a demon’s asshole for messing with our glamour icons. My tia used to have a framed copy of “A Protection Prayer to Archangel Michael” hanging in her kitchen and I wish I had memorized it, because I need to say it for our other glamour icons like Joan Collins, Walter Mercado, Chantal Biya and exquisite cotton candy angel grifter Jan Crouch. Not today, 2016.
Before we get into the Mother’s Day, the latest holiday-themed movie by Garry Marshall starring a fuckload of famous people, we need to talk about that thing on Julia Roberts’ head. From what I gathered while watching the trailer for Mother’s Day (which doesn’t come out on Mother’s Day), Julia Roberts plays some kind of power bitch book author named Miranda Collins. We don’t know her backstory, but it looks like “Miranda Collins” (real name: Darlean McKringle) shops exclusively in the Jessica Simpson section of Macy’s and sold her first book by claiming she’s Jackie Collins’ long-lost cousin.
Julia is only in the trailer for about six seconds, but it’s long enough to find out she’s probably the birth mother of sad yoga girl (played by Britt Robertson), because – as Miranda tells Jennifer Aniston – she was too busy with her career instead. Um, DUH. You don’t have time for kids when you’ve got such an exquisite head of hair to look after. Styling your hair into a perfectly smooth penis-shaped bob takes time, Jennifer.
As you can see, everyone is in this. Jenny, Julie, Jason Sudeikis, Kate Hudson (I bet the reason she’s so flustered at the 1:13 mark is because her parents walked in on her taking a pussy selfie for Nick Jonas) and Timothy Olyphant.
Out of all the stories in the trailer, it doesn’t seem like there’s one that truly represents the real experience of Mother’s Day. I’m of course referring to that moment of terror when you realize you forgot to make brunch reservations and realize you’ll have to have brunch in your house. “Happy Mother’s Day! Feel free to help yourself to a mimosa. Why yes, that is leftover white wine and orange juice I bought from Starbucks. Breakfast will be served just as soon as I open this Luna Bar.”
A couple of months ago, there was a rumor that Diane Kruger’s mouth got itself a piece of Norman Reedus’ tongue at a bar in NYC while her man of 9 years Joshua Jackson was vacationing in the Philippines. People claim they saw Diane straddle Norman and practically dry hump him. There could’ve been many explanations for that. Maybe Diane and Pacey are the Will and Jada of cable actors and have an open relationship? Maybe Norman was choking on a piece of a fried cheese stick and Diane only knows how to give the Heimlich maneuver with her thighs? Maybe Diane really was wrongly passing her poon behind Joshua’s back? Who knows, but sources denied Diane got on Norman like that and said there’s nothing going on between them. Joshua’s dad also laughed it off.
Well, even though Diane Kruger looked like the undead last night, her love with Pacey is totally alive. Pacey is currently starring in the off-Broadway play Smart People and Diane came out for the opening night looking like a vampire maître d’ with the flu (“Um no, that’s slutty power lesbian.” – Jennifer Lawrence). So there you go. Totally together. And now here I go to the bathroom to look in the mirror and say to myself, “Really?” Because I’ve never had it for Pacey but seeing him looking like a hungover, overworked and frazzled accountant on April 14th did things to me. I’d let him work on my Schedule B. Let’s just pretend that made sense.
I honestly thought yesterday’s Yeezy Season 3 show would end with everyone emptying onto the floor of Madison Square Garden and pressing $100 bills into the hands of those sad-looking models while whispering “I don’t know what brought you here, but I’m sorry you had to do this. Take this – I hope this helps.” Instead, it ended with the beginning of another goddamned feud between Kanye West and Taylor Swift.
Shortly after Kanye played one of his new songs “Famous“, in which he said the words “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex. Why? I made that bitch famous.“, during his $2000 Pantyhose Ego Spectacular, Taylor’s brother Austin got it all started by angrily throwing out his Yeezy Boost sneakers on Instagram. Which was followed by members of Taylor’s friend army, like Gigi Hadid and Ruby Rose, chiming in on Twitter. Now Kanye has hopped on Twitter to let you all know that Taylor totally gave him the thumbs-up to call her a bitch and that they might hump. In fact, according to Kanye, it was all her idea.