Archives: February 2016

Leave It To Charli XCX To Give You Ten Tons Of Drunk 90s Bride At The amfAR Gala

February 11, 2016 / Posted by:

Charli XCX, who you may remember as the Tai to Iggy Azalea’s Cher, has been slowly inching her way into the Red Carpet Fuckery Hall of Fame for a while now. She’s slithered onto the red carpet looking like sloppy n’ slutty Morticia Addams. She showed up to last year’s Grammys looking like a rode-hard put-away-wrecked Super Star Ken doll.

And last night she proved she still really really wants a permanent spot in the Most Committed wing by sashaying onto the red carpet of the amfAR New York Gala looking like a picture of your messiest cousin from her first wedding in 1992 right before she threw a glass of wine in the groom’s face during a slow-dance to “Secret Lovers.

Liam Neeson Isn’t Dating An “Incredibly Famous” Woman, Or So He Wants Us To Think

February 11, 2016 / Posted by:

“You see this rolled-up magazine? My dick game trumps this bitch.” – Liam Neeson in that picture, obviously.

During an interview with The Irish Independent, Liam Neeson was asked he’s dating anyone and he casually said that he’s seeing an incredibly famous woman. Liam said he was too embarrassed to name her incredibly famous name. The guessing game started! Jezebel even joked that Liam was eating Kristen Stewart’s box in the back of a MINI Cooper because they were both papped leaving the same restaurant on the same night. The Mirror picked up Jezebel’s joke and put it out there as a serious question. Gossip Cop later shocked everyone by saying that Kristen Stewart’s puss is not sucking on Liam’s Evian bottle dick. But well, now UsWeekly is trying to kill the fun by saying that Liam was just telling jokes.

An insider tells Us Weekly exclusively that the Taken 3 star, 63, “was just joking.”

Uh huh, that’s what a dude who accidentally let it slip that he’s dating an incredibly famous woman would say. I bet that the incredibly famous woman he’s regularly fucking called him from the hospital (where she’s recovering from getting her cervix smashed to smithereens by his typhoon-class peen) and told him to make the story go away, because an incredibly famous woman like her wants to keep things private. That’s totally something an incredibly famous woman would do too.

And here’s pictures of my guess for Liam’s incredibly famous piece, Chicken Cutlets, posing with chicken cutlets in a highly artistic grocery store photo shoot. Ginger hotness can be found in your grocer’s refrigerator section.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Meryl Streep Just Solved The Diversity Problem With A Few Words!

February 11, 2016 / Posted by:

Meryl Streep is getting torn apart today and everyone is screaming “FINISH HER!” at her ass because of some words she spit out at a press conference for the Berlin International Film Festival. And yes, at the Oscars later this month, Meryl Streep will receive an honorary Oscar for Best Oscar Winner To Get Torn To Fucking Shreds On Twitter.

Kanye West Is Looking For Someone To Invest $100 Million In His Clothing Line

February 11, 2016 / Posted by:

Do you make terrible decisions with money? Do you have an extra $100 million lying around? Then why not call up Kanye West (1-800-ASSPLAY) with the good news that you’re willing to dump a fuckload of cash into his insanely overpriced hobo ballerina clothing line, Yeezy.

According to Page Six, Kanye has been going door to door asking for $100 million so he can take Yeezy from joke to joke with more exposure. So far, Kanye has hit up the CEO of LVMH (which owns Louis Vuitton, Dior, and Marc Jacobs) and Chris Burch (who launched Tory Burch), both of whom probably responded by cackling “Hard pass!” before slamming the door. Kanye also hired a company called Relativity Fashion last year to help him find investors, but that dream died when they filed for Chapter 11 in July.

I’m sure you’re wondering why he doesn’t just text his wife and ask if she can spare a couple million from her monthly Botox fund. Well, he might have to resort to that sooner than later, considering he’s apparently already sunk a whole lot of his own money into Yeezy. A source says:

“Kanye is spending a lot of money. He thinks on a big scale and is currently paying for everything himself. He needs a backer to help him achieve the kind of fashion-world domination he is aiming for.”

How much money does Kanye need for that shit? His fashion shows take place in an empty warehouse, he gets a 10% family discount on his models from Kris Jenner’s Rent-A-Wreck, and all the clothes look like they were made from old sleeping bags and slightly-irregular pantyhose stolen from a L’Eggs factory outlet store. I’m not good at math, but that’s like, $100.

At least now the audience will understand when Kanye closes the Yeezy fashion show this afternoon with models passing around a donation plate. “Please give to the Church of Yeezus Christ. Every dollar helps.

Pic: Wenn.com

Hot Slut Of The Day!

February 11, 2016 / Posted by:

The metal ball necklace!

In the 90s, we didn’t clutch our pearls. We clutched our metal balls. We walked around looking like the Tin Man busted one all over our necks. Anybody who was an edgy, hard anarchist and listened to genuine punk music from Save Ferris, No Doubt and The Ataris (and later Sum 41 and Avril Lavigne) wore metal ball jewelry. Posers got theirs at Hot Topic, but real punk bitches, like my friend and I, got our ball chain from Home Depot!

I used to have several metal ball bracelets and necklaces, but I lost most of them throughout the years. I still have a bracelet and every now and again, I pull it out and think about wearing it. Because it reminds me of better times when some of us let it be known that we were always ready for some anal bead action. I mean, I still keep anal beads in my pocket just in case, but back in the late-90s we wore them proudly!

Pic: Subject To Fashion

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Birthday Sluts

February 11, 2016 / Posted by:

Burt Reynolds (80)
Taylor Lautner (24)
Q’orianka Kilcher (26)
Matt Good (32)
Aubrey O’Day (32)
Natalie Dormer (34)
Kelly Rowland (35)
Matthew Lawrence (36)
Brandy (37)
Mike Shinoda (39)
D’Angelo (42)
Alex Jones (42)
Isaiah Mustafa (42)
Kelly Slater (44)
Damian Lewis (45)
Jennifer Aniston (47)
Sarah Palin (52)
Sheryl Crow (54)
Carey Lowell (55)
Catherine Hickland (60)
Jeb Bush (63)
Tina Louise (82)

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Night Crumbs

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

The new trailer for that High-Rise movie has an almost naked Tom Hiddleston in it. I’m assuming the prop department knew how crazy the Hiddlestoners can get and destroyed his dick-covering cloth. Because I didn’t see anything in the news about how a Hiddlestoner stole it from a warehouse and married it in a beautiful ceremony – Lainey Gossip 

You already knew this, but Johnny Depp confirmed that he passed his cheese stick of a peen to Amber Heard while he was still with Gappy – Celebitchy

Nicole Kidman’s nipples don’t look like tiny icicles here, so this is obviously the work of CGI magic – The Nip Slip 

Lisa Rinna and Yolanda Foster had a Twitter fight, because for every Twitter fight they have, Andy Cohen slides a stack of money their way – Reality Tea 

I see that Katie Holmes is a 100% human again and no longer has Scientology microchips in her brain – The Superficial 

Goopy Paltrow and her self-proclaimed butt of a 22-year-old stripper did a photo shoot – Drunken Stepfather

Carmen Electra is so 2006 looking and I love it – Hollywood Tuna 

Lana Del Rey’s new video makes it look like being in a 70s cult was really, really boring – OMG Blog

Try not to look too shocked when it’s announced that James Franco will star in, write, direct, produce, do the music, do the costumes and be the main fluffer on the Tom of Finland biopic – Towleroad

Kaley Cuoco’s Givenchy slide sandals probably cost a week’s worth of my rent. Trick should be saving money for her next divorce settlement and made her own by writing the name “Givenchy” in Wite-Out on a pair of $1 slide sandals from the 99 Cent Store. They probably would’ve looked hotter too – IDLYITW

FYI: Alison Brie probably didn’t wear chonies to the How To Be Single premiere in London – Popoholic

Kanye West changed the name of his album to The Life Of Pablo and I’m guessing that Pablo is what he calls his booty hole – Just Jared

Sharon Stone was once a lucky bitch who got to ride the Silver Spoons train – SOW

Um, can I just buy all the tiles that Joan Collins’ feet touched? – Jezebel

Sorry parents of little kids, but soon they’ll be splitting your nerves even more by begging you to take them to Frozen on Broadway – HuffPo

Ryan Reynolds’ PR team got him another People Magazine title that means shit – Popsugar

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Kate Winslet Loves Her Soulmate Leonardo DiCaprio Too Much To Boycott The Oscars

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Just in case you were thinking to yourself, “Hmmm, I wonder if Kate Winslet is going to join the #OscarsSoWhite boycott,” she’s not. Kate Winslet says she will be at the Oscars this year to support women and also because she knows that this is the year that the Susan Lucci of millionaire movie actors will finally get his paws around Oscar. Kate says she wants to be there when Leonardo DiCatchAHo wins, because he’s her bestest best friend. Ugh, these two and they’re sickly sweet talk. If they keep it up, I’m going to start to wish that door broke and Rose sunk to the bottom of the ocean with Jack. Here’s what Kate said after the BBC asked her if she’s joining the boycott:

“To be honest with you, it has been such an extraordinary year for women, I’d feel like I was letting my side down if I didn’t go. And also I feel very strongly that it may possibly be Leo’s year. And he is my closest friend in the world and I just couldn’t imagine not being there to support him.”

I would say that they need to stop and get married already, but Kate Winslet is 20 years too old and not skinny enough for him. So I hope Kate Winslet wakes up as a 22-year-old blonde skinny model who never ages and never gains weight so she and her soulmate can get married and be together forever. But seriously, even if Kate woke up as a Victoria’s Secret model, he’d still dump her after 6 months.

Pic: Getty

Pauley Perrette Says She Had A “Weird” Encounter With Another Homeless Dude

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Last November, Pauley Perrette (who is in your memaw’s favorite show NCIS and is my rockabilly cousin’s bangs idol) said that a mentally ill homeless man jumped her in front of her house in Hollywood, CA. Pauley said that the man punched her and threatened to send her to the afterworld. Pauley was able to get away and the man was later arrested for felony assault. Well, Pauley claims that she went through another scary situation with a homeless man and it ended with her going God Warrior on him. (Side note: God Warrior’s full Trading Spouses episode is on YouTube now. It’s the greatest thing that has happened to the Internet.)

Just like she did the last time she was attacked, Pauley told the tale on Twitter. Pauley was in her car and was stopped on a street in Hollywood when she noticed a homeless man asking for money. When she handed him a dollar through her window, she says he grabbed her wrist, held her arm and put his head in her car before asking her what time it was. Pauley could’ve tasered his face but she decided to hit him with Jesus talk instead.

pauleypattacked

Pauley says she’s fine but the whole thing was just really weird. A witness tells Entertainment Tonight that they saw the homeless man grab Pauley. The witness also claims the homeless man got aggressive with a person in another car. But when the person in the other car gave him money, he ran away.

For some reason, people are always asking me for the time and I never ever wear a watch. I usually pull out and my phone and say, “It’s 5:37.” But thanks to Pauley, I’m now going to say, “I rebuke you Satan in the name of Jesus Christ. It’s 5:37.

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