Archives: February 2016

Night Crumbs

February 5, 2016 / Posted by:

Prince Hot Ginge visited with little children at a school in Lancashire today. PHG seems so good with children and that’s a good thing, because he can deal with the kids as I get drunk while watching Real Housewives on my iPad in the bathroom where it’s fucking quiet   – Lainey Gossip 

Sofia Vergara won’t complain about diversity, but she will complain in a few years about her magnificent chichis being too big when she needs a titty reduction – Celebitchy

Good news for Teresa Giudice! Her house arrest (which she spent getting her picture taken at events) is over, so now she can go to events to get her picture taken! – Reality Tea 

MiserAlba looks like a dead-eyed mannequin in CosmopolitanDrunken Stepfather

If Robert Kardashian’s ghost really did help Kanye West write his album, then I’m guessing songs titled “Tell That Cunt Whore Kris She Tainted My Daughters” and “Okay, O.J. Really Did It” will be on it – The Superficial 

That big-tittied blonde model who isn’t Kate Upton did GQ MexicoIDLYITW

A British boy bander not named Harry Styles came out as a lover of peen – Towleroad

This deer obviously framed Steven Avery too – The Berry 

Hilary Duff celebrated her divorce being final by going to Hawaii with her son and the dude she just got divorced from – Popoholic

I thought this was LeAnn Rimes and now I feel like I need to write a really long apology note to Natalie DormerHollywood Tuna 

I see that Kanye West is styling Chrissy Teigen now – Popsugar

Nice try, Chris Martin, but you’re still about as edgy as a beige Polo shirt with a popped collar – HuffPo

Kesha and her mom won a little victory against Dr. LukeJust Jared

The Property Brothers released a shitty country music video and all I can say is that I really hope Sandra Rinomato, formerly of Property Virgins, releases a disco song one day – Starcasm

Weekend Programming Note: I’m doing this weekend by myself, so it’s going to be on the light side and since I’ll most likely be day drinking there might be more mistakes than usual. But really, what else is new?

Pic: Getty

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Open Post: Hosted By Henry Cavill’s Hot Hairy Nipples And Furry Stomach Rug

February 5, 2016 / Posted by:

Henry Cavill posted this picture on Instagram today of him doing Superman training for the Justice League movie. It took me a while to notice his face (“Wait, there’s a face in that picture? Where?!” – you while licking the screen and typing at the same time), but when I did I noticed that his facial expression was a cross between an O face and a “concentrating really hard on trying to poot out a stubborn fart” face. But then again, isn’t there a thin line between someone’s O face and someone’s fart face? I need to stop before I find another way to ruin this hotness even more than I have.

And someone really needs to tell Henry that if he’s serious about his Superman training, he needs to do naked jumping jacks in a SnapChat video. I mean, the real Superman did that while training. I read that in a Superman comic book or something.

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Daisy Fuentes And Richard Marx Remind You They’re Still A Thing By Getting Married Again

February 5, 2016 / Posted by:

When Daisy Fuentes and Richard Marx got married in Aspen back in December, my brain though “Well that’s nice” and then promptly filed said information into the trash, along with what I ate for lunch and the plot of the 1985 film Perfect. So obviously I got a raging case of Groundhog Day when I saw that Daisy Fuentes and Richard Marx got married in Los Angeles last night. Thankfully, my brain doesn’t empty the trash that often, so I was able to go in and confirm that, yes, these two are already married and, no, I’m not losing my mind.

According to Karent Sierra (yes, former RHOM cast member Karent Sierra), the guest list at Daisy and Richard’s Aspen wedding was limited to close family only. So Daisy and Richard decided to throw themselves a second Aspen-themed wedding because none of their friends were at the first one. Daisy and Richard didn’t do the whole vow thing, but they did have bunch of fake snow and played a video of their Aspen wedding on a constant loop.

E! says the guest list at Daisy and Richard’s second wedding also included Ringo Starr, Kenny G, and David Foster. Oh my god, that’s like a waiting room’s dream.

Daisy and Richard apparently took the Aspen theme all the way to the reception dress code by asking their guests to show up wearing “Aspen attire.” Okay, someone failed here. Neither Daisy or Richard, or any of their friends were wearing Aspen attire. There wasn’t a single pair of neon ski pants, neon ski boots, Bollé goggles, or white turtleneck to be seen. And yes, I’m basing everything I know about “Aspen attire” on this Juicy Fruit commercial.

Pics: Daisy Fuentes, Karent Sierra

The Porn Star Who Was Suing Josh Duggar Dropped Her Case

February 5, 2016 / Posted by:

Danica Dillon threw a lawsuit at Quiverfull Garbage Pail Kid Josh Duggar last November for causing her emotional and physical pain by allegedly getting really rough with her during sex. Danica has now dropped the lawsuit and says that she made it all up. In related news, the Duggars have just filed a copyright infringement lawsuit against Danica Dillon because telling blatant lies for profit is their game and they don’t appreciate her stealing it!

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The Coen Brothers On #OscarsSoWhite: “The Oscars Are Not That Important”

February 5, 2016 / Posted by:

Because every Hollywood type and their dog are being asked their thoughts on this year’s Oscar boycott (I’m pretty sure there’s a reporter holding a mic up to the dog from The Danish Girl as I type this), Joel and Ethan Coen were recently asked how they felt about the #OscarsSoWhite situation. The Coen Brothers have won four Oscars and have been nominated for a billion more (the film they wrote Bridge of Spies is nominated for six this year), so you’d think they would have lots of thoughts on the subject. As it turns out, the Coen Brothers don’t exactly give a Fargo-dipped fuck about any of this.

Behold, One Of The Greatest Singers In America!

February 5, 2016 / Posted by:

One time when I was at my mom’s house, we were watching Access Hollywood, or another one of those type of shows, and they showed a clip of Jessie J. My mom wasn’t joking when she said, “I didn’t know that Pink is from England.” I should’ve said to my mom that I didn’t know she just got back from a long vacation on another planet, because that Susan Powter-ass wannabe in front of us is one of the greats of all-time! Yes, she would’ve slapped me for talking smart, but she needs to know who our new Whitney Houston is!

Jessie J (aka that Q-Tip who yodeled out Grease Is The Word at the beginning of Grease Live) tells Women’s Health UK (via The Sun) that it gives her the sads knowing that her own homeland of the UK doesn’t appreciate her for the legendary gift that she is. Thank God for America, though, because Jessie J says that in this country we recognize her as being one of the greats. If you actually know what a Jessie J is, this is your cue to make the same confused face she’s making in that pic. If you don’t know what a Jessie J is, don’t bother Googling. You’ll just be re-directed to Dictionary.com’s definition of “delusion.” The legend (in her own peroxide-bleached mind) said this about herself:

“It makes me sad. I’ve done the Grammys, the VMAs… My profile in America is that I’m kind of celebrated as one of the greatest singers — and I love it. I want to be up there with the Celine Dions, Whitneys, Beyoncés, and Arethas. I go hard because I hope and pray that one day people look back and go, ‘She could really fucking sing.’”

Jessie J should’ve specified which America, because it sure as hell ain’t North, Central, South, West or East. But really, Jessie J has always been like room temperature tap water to me. But now I’m a fan! I mean, I don’t think she’s one of the greatest singers in America. However, I do think that she’s one of the greatest comedians in the world!

Katy Perry’s Latest Date With Orlando Bloom Almost Got Crashed By John Mayer

February 5, 2016 / Posted by:

Katy Perry and her current maybe-boyfriend Orlando Bloom are still doing the whole casual relationship thing (their matchmaker, that vape pen, must be so proud), and according to Page Six, shit almost got nine levels of awkward on their last date.

Katy and Orlando were attending a birthday dinner the Sunset Tower Hotel on Wednesday night with a whole mess of famous types, like Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman. And as luck (or that vengeful bitch karma) would have it, guess who just so happened to saunter into the Sunset Tower as they were having dinner? Patient zero for vaginal vinegar poisoning himself, John Mayer. A witness claims John skipped the bar and made a beeline for the elevators, and they *think* it’s because he knew two of his ex-girlfriends were inside. Or maybe he hauled ass to the elevators because he was six seconds from a butt blowout? You don’t know, witness!

Of course there is a chance John Mayer knew Katy Perry was in the bar with his replacement. I wouldn’t put it past that sneaky bimbo to use his boner like a divining rod and track down his exes. But clearly his inner Jiminy Cricket told him to leave them alone, and Katy and Orlando were able to enjoy their date without having to do that fake as hell “Oh heeeyyyy” when you run into an ex in public.

As for how things are going between Katy and Orlando, Page Six says several witnesses confirm that Katy and Orlando’s flirt game is still strong.

“Orlando and Katy had that new-relationship glow about them. They were cuddling and flirting with each other all night.”

Meanwhile, another witness described Orlando like this: “He looks like an old baby.” I have no idea what the hell that means either, but I love it. I’m sure there are at least a dozen Hollywood-types asking their plastic surgeons “Can you make me look like an old baby?” as we speak.

Pic: Splash

Cuba Gooding Jr. Spills The Secrets Of Tom Cruise’s Beauty

February 5, 2016 / Posted by:

Cuba Gooding Jr. was on Watch What Happens Live last night to promote Shapiro Brows: The Mini-Series Event and that shifty Siamese Cat named Andy Cohen got him to talk about whether or not Scientology’s sexiest pin-up Tom Cruise has pulled, nipped, tweaked or pricked his face. As everyone knows, Cuba and Tommy did Jerry Maguire together and they’ve stayed friends. During a game of the Spill the Tea! last night, Andy asked Cuba to spill the tea on the secret to Tommy’s beauty.

Tyga Thinks Blac Chyna Is A Mess And Is Trying To Get Primary Custody Of Their Son

February 5, 2016 / Posted by:

Out of everyone involved in the love story of our time that is Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna’s dramatic love affair, I assumed Kris Jenner was the person most likely to be laying awake at night with an anxious knot in their stomach (“Think, pimp, think…there’s got to be a way to bring in more family members and exploit this even further“). It turns out that person is actually Blac Chyna’s former fiance/current baby daddy Tyga.

TMZ says Tyga is so concerned with Blac Chyna’s recent shit life decisions – you know, like getting hauled off an airplane for being a dunk mess – that he’s seeking primary custody of their 3-year-old son King Cairo. Tyga’s current custody situation is that they share King (something Blac Chyna tried to get changed back in May to full custody in an attempt to keep King away from Tyga’s then-underage girlfriend Kylie Jenner). Sources close to Tyga claim he wants BC’s contact with King to be limited to weekend visits because he’s worried her problems with booze and drugs might be putting their son at risk.

One thing he apparently doesn’t care about is that she’s doing Rob Kardashian or that Rob may be hanging around his kid. Sources say Tyga saw a video The Sock One recently posted a video of them on a playdate (TMZ has the riveting footage here), and he just sort of shrugged. Tyga doesn’t have a problem with Rob, and he isn’t worried about being replaced as a father.

You know, if Tyga becomes a full-time daddy, he gets a lot more than just his son. He also gets a better excuse for the next time he gets caught hitting up 14-year-olds on Instagram. “What? I was just looking for a babysitter!” And to be honest, it wouldn’t exactly be a lie, since the current teenager in his life is too busy going to the club to do any babysitting. Speaking of, here’s Kylie Jenner, who appears to be wearing a dress stolen from a low-budget small town production of Cats, kruising into the klub with her sisters last night.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

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