“Chile, why is Aretha Franklin buying her lace front wigs from Ali Express,” asked every Black woman in America.
Now before we get into the hilarity, I know what you’re thinking: “Is Michael moonlighting as a Black woman today?” And the answer is no, my love. Instead he’s hired an actual Black woman. My name is Carla and like Michael and fellow owner of a vagina, Allison we’re cut from the same cloth—i.e., we pretty much binge eat every aspect of pop culture for you so you don’t have to. Unlike everyone here, I like my pop culture with a big messy factor and I’m so hoping you’re into some petty shiznit (that and outdated slang that reeks of an older millennial). I just live for the petty and it doesn’t get messier than covering the lives of our modern day soaps in the form of celebrity culture. I’m also heavily into BBC, using words such as “nookie” to refer to any vagina and making arbitrary references. I’m looking forward to underwhelming you with the power of my nookie, so let’s begin and get back to Aretha.
Remember how I said I live for the petty? Well, it doesn’t get pettier than The Queen of Soul coming for Patti LaBelle’s wannabe Betty Crocker-neck by releasing her very own food line. As you recall, back in December Patti LaBelle Sweet Potato Pie broke the Internet after a member of Team Husky made a viral video praising, well, er, her pie. People went crazy and stripped every shelf at Walmart dry of her now infamous pies.
I guess Patti’s #pieapocalypse didn’t sit well with Aretha because she launched a rival food line that’s yet to be titled and features her own brand of chili, gumbo and baked chicken along with desserts. Aretha admitted to Detroit’s Channel 4 (via CNN) that she hasn’t tasted Patti’s dessert but asserted that “Ms. Patti’s gonna have to move that pie to the side!” Now that’s called shade. It’s pure shade not that fake, watered down stuff that’s served on Real Housewives of Atlanta. It’s so pure I think Aretha bought it from El Chapo.
Did you see how Aretha insulted Patti by not even tasting her pie (What in the name of the L Word did I just type?) but had the nerve to allude that hers is better? It’s just a typical day in Aretha’s world, shading lessers for filth as if her side gig is cosplaying as RuPaul. Now, she’ll staunchly deny any issues with Patti. And I understand why because Patti will assault you with water. But in fairness, Aretha needs to find her chill and do just that–chill. We don’t need this beef to delve into 2Pac and Biggie territory.