Open Post: Hosted By Joey Lawrence’s Forever Immaculate Eyebrows

January 28, 2016 / Posted by:

The premiere of American Crime Story: The People vs. O.J. Simpson happened in Los Angeles yesterday, and you’d think that the night belonged to the guinea pig in distress on top of John Travolta’s head, but it didn’t. John Travolta is usually the belle of every ball, but bitch lost in the game of beauty last night as soon as Joey Lawrence strolled onto the red carpet looking like he’s been plucked to the stars and back. I bet as soon as Joey’s Chia Pet Mr. Clean-looking ass hit that red carpet, John Travolta pulled off his own wig, said, “For fuck’s sake,” and immediately went home to drown his sorrows on a massage therapist’s crotch.

One of my favorite adonises probably had every ho at last night’s premiere checking their eyebrow situation in a compact. They shouldn’t have even bothered, because when it comes to the sport of eyebrow pruning, Joey Lawrence is the Oksana Baiul and everyone else is Nancy Kerrigan throwing hate at him on the sidelines. Not only do Joey’s impeccable brows look like the pubic landing strips of the angels in heaven, but that spray on hair is a work of art.

No, Joey wasn’t at the American Crime Story premiere because he plays Kato Kaelin in it (I wish). Joey was there because he has a much more important role in the show. During a scene where O.J. is crying in Kim Kartrashian’s bedroom, a poster of Joey Lawrence is on one of the walls. I know, who cares about Travolta, Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Sarah Paulson. Joey Lawrence should get top billing!


Our commenting rules are pretty simple: If you make any overly offensive comment (racist, bigoted, etc..) or go way off topic when not in an Open Post, your comments will be deleted and you will be banned. If you see an offensive or spammy comment you think should be deleted, flag it for the mods and they'll be forever grateful and give you their first born (although, you probably don't want that).

alt="drupal analytics" >