The Critics’ Choice Awards, which is the Mountain Lighting to the Golden Globes’ Mountain Dew, happened last night and Amy Schumer was the Jennifer Lawrence of the show, because she brought the ~quirkiness~ in heavy doses. No, Amy didn’t fall down the stairs or fart in Bryan Cranston’s champagne glass or anything, but she did tell us once again that she’s the fattest fatty fat hog in Hollywood and would hands down win the role of Gilbert Grape’s mom if they did a remake. And she also gave us the mental image of her making out with Lily Tomlin’s clit.
The Critics’ Choice Awards gave Amy the MVP Award (whatever that is), because I guess they wanted to make sure that she showed up, unlike many other tricks (see: Jennifer Lawrence, Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Brie Larson, etc..). Amy also won Best Actress in a Comedy, beating her best friend forever JLaw and national treasure Lily Tomlin. While holding that glass unicorn butt plug trophy, Amy said that Lily Tomlin should’ve won and then she announced that she’d love to tongue fuck Lily’s lily:
Amy saying that she’d munch on Lily Tomlin’s cooch like a never-ending Awesome Blossom didn’t bother me, because who wouldn’t? But Amy skid straight into NOT RIGHT territory when bitch pulled Miss Critics’ Choice Awards to the mic and then shooed her away after finding out that she’s from Florida. Amy joked that Florida should not be a part of this country. It wasn’t not funny. Florida is this country’s leading producer of meth-infused foolery and that makes it the greatest state. It should be the capital of ‘Murica! To hate Florida is to hate fuckery. Amy Schumer can go to Hell (“Um, I’d rather go there than Florida!” – Florida hater Amy Schumer) for that one. And Hell is a place where you don’t have a mouth and you’re stuck in a giant box that’s covered with Lily Tomlin’s vagina.