Tom Brady Is A Freak Of Nature Who Has Never Tried Coffee

January 12, 2016 / Posted by:

I know there are humans out there who don’t butt chug and mainline coffee like I do, and every time I meet one, I’m always surprised at how their arms aren’t covered in track marks since they’re obviously shooting Monster energy drinks directly into their veins. I mean, how else are they able to deal with people and function?

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen’s private chef recently said in an interview that they out-GOOP Goopy Paltrow in the strict-as-hell-diet department. Most of their diet is made up of vegetables and they don’t swallow anything with white sugar, gluten, white flour, iodized salt, dairy etc… In other words, Tom Brady’s jizz probably tastes like the green shake I had for breakfast today. (I’m trying to be a healthier me and yes, I continued to be a healthier me by having pizza and a brownie for lunch.) Tom’s chef also said that they don’t ever do coffee or caffeine. Well, while talking about stuff on the Boston radio show The Dennis and Callahan, the human embodiment of DERP said that he’s never ever tried coffee. This BREAKING NEWS piece of information fell out of Tom Brady’s mouth. via Boston.com

“I never had any coffee or anything like that. I just never tried it,” Brady said Monday morning on WEEI’s “The Dennis and Callahan Show.”

While Brady holds himself to wild dietary standards, he has a few weakness.

“Probably burgers or ice cream,” Brady said.

I once had a little fight of words with a trick who said that us humans don’t really like the taste of coffee and booze. We just programmed ourselves into liking the taste, because we like the way coffee and booze make us feel. That hating whore asked me if I would still guzzle down coffee and the sweet nectar if it had zero mind-numbing effects. I had to immediately excuse myself from that conversation to refill my cup of the sweet nectar, because thinking about living in a world where the sweet nectar doesn’t have any mind-numbing effects made me nervous. But anyway, it makes sense that Juan Valdez has never graced Tom Brady’s tongue. Tom Brady’s mind is already racing with a million thoughts (cut to a tumbleweed blowing through his head) and caffeine would make that worse. Besides, he gets a quick jolt of energy every time he goes, “WEEEEEE!“, down a slide. That’s his caffeine.

Pic: AP

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