2016 Golden Globes Open Post: Hosted By Alan Cumming

January 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Pray for me, because the disgusting and dark-sided demon named cold and flu is still possessing my body, and for some bizarre reason, whiskey, weed smoke and red wine from Target has yet to kill it. Because I’m trying to exorcise the sicks out of me, I’ve been off booze for a couple of days and I won’t be guzzling down the sweet nectar while watching all 45 hours of the rich movie and TV star bukkake session known as the Golden Globes. Is it even possible to watch an awards show while 100% sober (the cold medicine cocktails I’ll be downing don’t count!)? That is the question of the century! I’ll find out tonight, but if you’re in Southern California and see a flare in the night sky, it’s probably me asking for someone to ayúdame. Send an Uber full of Jack and Cupcake red wine immediately! Hopefully, Ricky Gervais roasts those hos and the fumes wafting off of them clears my clogged-up sinuses and delivers me from evil.

I would shit up my predictions for the winners, but why bother? I have a feeling that shit will end early after the Lucy and Ethel of our time, Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer, “accidentally” trip on each other while farting, causing both of them to fall on a table, which will knock over a lit candle onto the floor and set that whole bitch on fire. The drinking game is that every time someone makes either an El Chapo joke or a Steve Harvey joke, take two gigantic shots: one for you and one for me since I’ll be dry. There’s going to be at least 5,000 El Chapo jokes before the first hour is up, so your insides will be drowning in vodka in no time. And when Mel Gibson shows his overcooked carne asada face to present, just switch to crack.

I may throw up one or three GGs posts tonight. Allison and I will cover that mess tomorrow. And for now, I leave you with these pictures of one of the first tricks on the carpet, Golden Globe nominee Alan Cumming. Hey, it was either Alan or that Maria Menonous trick. I really hope Alan is wearing his signature fragrance: Cumming. No, he’s probably not, because if he was, half of the dudes from the Scientology Celebrity Centre would be trying to lick his skin.

Pics: Getty

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