If I had to guess what kind of neighbor toddler-faced model type Miranda Kerr was, I’d say she’s the kind of neighbor you never see or hear (because you don’t become the Van Helsing of billionaire-hunting by hanging around the house all day). But apparently I’d be very wrong. During a recent interview with Net-A-Porter’s The EDIT (via Page Six), Miranda admitted that she’s the kind of neighbor who assaults your ears with construction work and shitty songs. She also admitted that her “So sorry for the noise!” apologies come in the form of gluten-free muffins, something her rude-ass neighbors STILL haven’t thanked her for.
Miranda says Miranda’s neighbors started doing the Sideshow Bob annoyed shudder pretty much immediately after she moved into her Malibu home a year ago. Miranda decided to redo her kitchen and the bathrooms, which means it sounded like an HGTV crew was taking a massive construction fart all damn day. And it didn’t get better when everyone left for the night; Miranda says she would blast music – specifically “Wild One” by Flo Rida and Sia – while running and jumping in her pool naked. Basically, it was like living next to a one-woman Spring Break. Miranda recognized she was being annoying as fuck, so she sent her neighbors some gluten-free muffins. Shockingly, it didn’t make her neighbors want to rush over to her house, drop to their knees, and start kissing her feet.
“I sent them muffins – gluten-free, of course. ‘Really sorry about the noise, thanks for your patience.’ But no one replied. No, ‘Thanks for the muffins, they were yummy.'”
I’m all for free food, no matter how gross and gluten-free, but I’m Team Miranda’s Neighbors on this one. If I had to listen to eight hours of Black & Decker drills chased with “Wild One” by Flo Rida over and over and over again, I’d expect more than a measly basket of muffins. You better be backing a shipping crate filled with Doritos, booze, and money into my driveway every damn week.
Miranda also caused the rest of us to do the Sideshow Bob shudder while talking about her newest billionaire boyfriend, 25-year-old Snapchat co-founder Evan Spiegel. Miranda’s latest billionaire is seven years younger than her, and according to Miranda, “He’s 25, but he acts like he’s 50.” The EDIT then asked her if that means he doesn’t feel like a 25-year-old, and she replied:
“Well, in some ways he does,” she says, with a wink. “I’m telling you, I’ve got the best of both worlds!”
I can’t argue with that: a dude with an energetic dick and a billion dollars is better than ten Powerball jackpots.
Here’s Malibu’s worst neighbor and humanity’s most-skilled billionaire trapper posing like a high-fashion 1950’s Kewpie doll for The EDIT.