“And I thank you for attempting to look like you showered tonight, Johnny. You don’t, of course – but you tried, and that’s all that matters. Now stop trying to pull me in closer, you’re going to leave grease stains all over the couture!”
Last night, Johnny Depp accepted the Desert Palm Achievement Award at the Palm Springs International Film Festival, and one of the people he thanked was the skilled taxidermist who keeps him looking somewhat human after all these years. No! He didn’t thank his taxidermist (rude). But UsWeekly says he did thank his midlife crisis wife, Amber Heard, for being such a sport and putting up with his ass.
“I also have to thank my wife Amber for putting up with me, for living with all these characters, which can’t be easy. It’s hard for me — it’s got to be hard for her.”
That’s actually really sweet of him. Because he’s right – Amber has a really tough job. Imagine how much work it takes every morning to get Johnny pap ready? First you’ve got to wake him up from his hammock nap, drag him over to the side of the house and hose the stank off him, keep him awake long enough to put on all his scarves and 18lbs of silver pirate rings, comb his hair with a two-week-old spring roll (it’s the only explanation for why his hair always looks so dirty), and make him pose, pose, turn, pose for the cameras.
Of course, someone who didn’t have to work nearly as hard on the red carpet last night was the ageless shimmering topaz-style cubic zirconia that is Suzanne Somers!
Angelina WHO? No really, all knowledge of Angelina Jolie’s leg at the Oscars has been wiped from my memory after getting hypnotized by Suzanne’s turquoise velvet thigh slit eleganza. And now we have the answer to the question: “What would it look like if Janice from The Muppets quit The Electric Mayhem, married and divorced a plastic surgeon, and moved to Palm Springs to be a full-time cougar?”
Here’s more from the Palm Springs International Film Festival last night, including lots of Johnny Depp looking like Jack Sparrow’s Viper Room-dwelling brother, Goddess Suzanne, and everyone else.