The Voice is over, but Gwakes everlasting love will long live after all of our bones have turned to dust. Ever since Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton became a thing, I’ve been throwing a suspicious side-eye at them, because if it looks like a stunt, acts like a stunt and has been seen spending time with stunt troll extraordinaire Ryan Seacrest, it’s probably a stunt! But now that Uncle Blakey has been hanging out with her chirrun and they’re going on vacation together, I’m beginning to think that the tag attached to their relationship doesn’t read “100% FRAUDULENT!”
Gwen Stefani tweeted a Merry Christmas message to her followers and in it, she heaved up a video of human pair of truck nuts Blake Shelton disturbing the Botox by pecking at her face during what looks like a hunting trip. I watched it once and I’d rather watch a video of a 25-year-old cyst on an ass cheek getting popped in slow motion than watch this again.
Merry Christmas 🌲🙏🏻gx pic.twitter.com/n8ePUyLHpK
— Gwen Stefani (@gwenstefani) December 22, 2015
They’re both acting like they’ve never gotten dick or poon before. Although, I shouldn’t talk, because whenever I get dick, I have to call the emergency room and let them know that I will be coming in with a broken hip shortly, because I plan to do cartwheels down the street while screaming about how I got dick. But posting a video of you doing P-DOG (public displays of grossness) with your piece is a sign that you’ve got stage 8 dickmatization. I bet that if Gwen and Blake turned around, they’d find the bears, deer and squirrels of the forest looking at them like, “Get out of our house and get a room!”