Both Page Six and the New York Daily News better watch themselves, because they dared to talk shit about Aretha Franklin by saying that her theater etiquette is as messy as her eyelash game.
You’d think that Queen Aretha would get a private performance of The Color Purple on Broadway, but sadly, she had to sit amongst a bunch of rude commoners who didn’t appreciate her acting a mess during the show. Those peons’ parents obviously didn’t teach them one of the most important rules in life: It’s Queen Aretha’s world and we exist solely to bow down to her.
Page Six says that Aretha showed up late to the performance and she came with a team of bodyguards who sat all around her. Queen Aretha is a whole lot of star and it takes a whole lot of men to protect her beauty. Page Six says that entertainment writer Brandon Voss was there and he wrote on Facebook about how Aretha took pictures with her phone during the show. An usher eventually told her to stop. (RIP that usher)
“During the opening number she began taking photos on her phone, lifting it high and proud, much to the murmuring disgust of those around us,” Voss reported. Then an “older white lady” in the audience began “gesturing wildly for her to put down the phone, letting her bodyguard know it wasn’t allowed.”
That’s when an usher arrived, and “It took her an eternity, but she finally shut it down.”
When the house lights came up during intermission, the older white lady realized who she had yelled at and rightly apologized. I’m taking that to mean that the older white lady threw herself at Aretha’s feet and begged for forgiveness before cutting off her own tongue since it was used to talk back to a honey-glazed goddess!
But at intermission, the woman who’d complained “realized it wasn’t a human being but was in fact THE Aretha Franklin, she APOLOGIZED,” Voss posted. “Because it’s Aretha fucking Franklin, and she can take pictures whenever and wherever she wants.”
And “finally, after the show was over, her bodyguards asked our whole row to file out the other side because Aretha was just going to sit and chill.” But Voss figured, “I have no problem with any of this, quite frankly. #RESPECT.”
A different source tells the NYDN that Aretha also nearly coughed her wig off the entire time:
“Oh, my God, the coughing, heaving. It’s all anyone heard. You couldn’t ignore it. She sat towards the front and just coughed and wheezed the whole show. During every song. It was such a distraction. I kept looking at her.”
The Color Purple plays 8 times a week, but how many times do you get the chance to see Aretha Franklin act like a rude wreck live and in person? That’s why I would’ve turned around and used my iPhone flashlight as a spotlight to watch as her faux eyelash cling to her eyelid while she coughed her insides out in between taking pictures. Now that is a show.
And if someone did what Aretha did at one of her shows, she’d scalp them alive and use their hair to make eyelashes. Yes, Queen Aretha’s eyelashes are made of the scalped hair of her victims.