It’s that time of year again when beauty queens from around the world do themselves up like they’re going to walk in a knock-off version of the Victoria’s Secret fashion show held in the parking lot of a mini-mall somewhere. It feels like the Miss Universe pageant just happened, but it’s happening again this weekend. Donald Trump, the hard pus squirting out of America’s engorged pimple, no longer owns the Miss Universe pageant, which kinds of sucks, because I was hoping that this year’s show would end with the queens turning on him and tearing that bitch apart onstage. Oh, well.
All of the Miss Universe preliminary shit already happened this past week including the greatest part of the pageant: the national costume showdown! The national costume competition is what we’d get if RuPaul’s Drag Race and the Victoria’s Secret fashion show both rolled themselves in a whole lot of feathers before crashing into each other. It’s a gorgeous mess.
Miss Austria made the pores on my face ooze out glitter when she came out dressed like her country’s national flower Conchita Wurst. It doesn’t even matter to me that her gay flag ribbon is a sad thing and looks like it was made by a bored 4-year-old with arthritis. She nailed it and better end up in the top 10 for this reason alone. My other favorite is Miss Spain…
Garbled up foolery at its finest. It took me a minute to figure out what she was dressed up as. At first I wondered why Miss Spain was done up like a half-Moses and half-Judy Jetson hybrid with a crucifix made of tattered weaves on her head. But then I figured out that half of her is Don Quixote and that cross of gutter weaves on top of her head is supposed to be a windmill. MESS! Miss Spain didn’t dream the impossible dream, she made the impossible dream happen. This is a sparkly disaster for my eyes.
Most of the national costumes are in the gallery. Miss Australia dressed up as a slutty Dame Edna and Miss Curacao did herself up as one of those Avatar creatures starring in a Cirque du Soleil production about the life and times of Toucan Sam.