Since The Sound of Music Live! and The Wiz Live! were hits, the live TV musical is so now and everyone’s doing them. Fox’s train wreck shit show (I’m hoping) Grease Live! hasn’t aired yet (that happens on January 31st), but they’ve already announced their next TV musical. The Hollywood Reporter says that around Eastertimes next year, Fox will serve up a big, fat, foolery-glazed ham in the form of a live musical about the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus. (“So basically it will be a shitty version of Jesus Christ Superstar?” – everyone)
Tyler Perry will host. I know lying is a sin, so I’m not doing that when I say that I really want to see Madea as Mary Magdalene.
It gets even weirder. The 2-hour musical called The Passion will air live on Palm Sunday, March 20, 2016, from New Orleans. It will be set in modern day and it will end with a bunch of people carrying a lit up cross through the streets of New Orleans. If Fox’s receptionist gets a call from an angry grizzly bear who growls out, “stupid cunts stupid cunts,” over and over again, they shouldn’t pay any attention. It’s just Mel Gibson cursing them out, because Fox didn’t ask him to do this.
Set in modern times, The Passion follows the dramatic and inspirational story of Jesus of Nazareth as he presides over the Last Supper and then is betrayed by Judas, put on trial by Pontius Pilate, convicted, crucified and resurrected. The story will unfold live at some of New Orleans’ most iconic locations, culminating in a procession of hundreds carrying a 20-foot illuminated cross from Champion Square outside the Superdome to the live stage at Woldenburg Park on the banks of the Mississippi River.
The Passion is based on a Dutch special that has aired in the Netherlands since 2011.
When I was a kid, this gaudy megachurch called the Crystal Cathedral used to put on a yearly extravagant and glamorous Easter show and I always begged my mom to take me to see it since it wasn’t that far from our house. I really wanted to see the Las Vegas-ized version of JC’s resurrection. She never took me, but the universe has made it up to me by delivering this holy jewel of ridiculousness. This is probably going to summon the second coming of Jesus, because he’s going to come down from the heavens to slap everyone involved in this.
And since Tyler Perry and his Jupiter-sized ego are taking part in this, I expect the title to be changed to Tyler Perry’s The Passion Of Tyler Perry Narrating Jesus Christ’s Crucifixion Starring Tyler Perry As Jesus and Madea as Mary. I also expect it to end with Mary finding out that she’s got HIV.