Last night, People dropped a mass BREAKING NEWS e-mail in inboxes everywhere and most of us are never going to be the same again. The subject of their e-mail was “Adele Has a Short New Haircut – and the Internet Is Already Freaking Out About It.” Before I clicked on People’s link, I held onto something sturdy and pre-dialed 911 on my phone just in case my heart dropped out of my asshole. I clicked knowing that life as I knew it would be completely different as soon as my eyes got a serving of Adele’s new world-changing hairstyle. I thought Adele shaved her head, or got a mushroom cut, or The Rachel, or the Kate Gosselin or the Skillrex. When I clicked, it took me a few seconds to realize that I wasn’t looking at an old picture of Adele. Bitch only cut a couple of inches off. It’s just a bob! I swear, People is like that trick on Grindr who tells you that he’s got a rock hard 8 inch peen, but he shows up with a half-hard 5 incher that blows after 30 seconds.
With that being said, I’m sure Flowbees everywhere sold out, because everyone is cutting 2 inches off of their hair like Adele did.
In other BREAKING ADELE NEWS, she released the dates for her big North American tour next year. Adele should call it the “Bitch, You Can Come To Me” tour, because she’s playing 56 dates, but only in 23 cities. She’s playing most cities twice and she’s doing 6 shows in NYC and 6 shows in L.A. It’s probably easier to grow a dick on your taint than to get tickets for this tour, so I’m not even going to bother. Besides, I don’t want to die from drowning in an ocean of tears that all the fucking grannies at the Adele show will cry out from seeing their second favorite singer, next to Mel Tormé, perform live.
And here’s Adele breaking the planet with her haircut while performing on last night’s season finale of X-Factor UK.