I am so in denial about Christmas happening next week. I haven’t bought one present and I have barely thought about buying presents. I’m looking around my house for shit I can throw in a gift bag and give to my family next week. I hope they like a dusty old yoga mat I haven’t used for years, a broken vape pen and an unopened box of Grape Nuts I bought when I had a weird idea to start eating healthy-ish things for breakfast. Since I haven’t gone to the mall or stepped foot in a store that doesn’t sell groceries, weed or booze the musical anthem of the holiday, Mimi’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You,” hasn’t really dry fucked my ear drums that much. But apparently, “All I Want For Christmas Is You” isn’t dry fucking anyone’s ear drums as much as it has in the past, because it’s no longer the #1 song that stores are using to torture their customers with.
Paste Magazine says that Mimi’s Christmas mall music crown has been snatched by The Shins. PlayNetwork, a company that makes playlists for stores, burped up a list of the songs that will play the most during the holidays this year. “All I Want For Christmas Is You” (Side note: That song is a lie, because unless “you” is a giant pink diamond-encrusted Hello Kitty doll, Mimi is lying) has held the top spot since it came out in 1994. The Shins’ cover of Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime” has knocked it down to #2. This is what the top 10 looks like this year. Surprisingly, the classic “Lohan Holiday” did not make the cut.
1) The Shins “Wonderful Christmastime”
2) Mariah Carey “All I Want For Christmas Is You”
3) Christina Aguilera “Christmas Time”
4) Waitresses “Christmas Wrapping”
5) Jack Johnson “Someday At Christmas”
6) Kelly Clarkson “Underneath The Tree”
7) Michael Buble “A Holly Jolly Christmas”
8) Bing Crosby “White Christmas”
9) Train “What Christmas Means To Me”
10) Ella Fitzgerald “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”
11) Coldplay “Christmas Lights”
90% of those songs are on the list of musical torture devices you can use to destroy my soul quickly.
“All I Want For Christmas” is still #1 on Billboard’s holiday music chart, but I’m sure Mimi is not happy about being dethroned when it comes to store Christmas music. If you’re in a store and The Shins’ “Wonderful Christmastime” starts playing, stop, drop and take cover, because an enraged Mimi is going to bust in and scream sing “All I Want For Christmas Is You” while trying to pull the speakers out of the wall.
Here’s the former Queen of Retail Christmas Music yodeling it out during her Christmas concert in NYC.