Panty Creamer Of The Day: This Tall Glass Of Swedish Leche As Tarzan

The Legend of Tarzan starring Nordic Vampire King Alexander Skarsgard and Margot Robbie cost $180 million and industry types have been saying that it’s probably going to flop harder than ASkars’ Swedish peen flops on my face in my wet dreams, but who cares?! We’re still getting an entire movie where ASkars runs around with his nipples and cum gutters out. They should just go ahead and edit out all the stuff nobody cares about (plot, dialogue and character development) and give is nothing but Tarzan running in slow motion while wearing a g-string loin cloth, which is eventually torn off during a fight with a tiger. And yes by “tiger” I mean another hot dude wearing cat ears.

USA Today says that this Tarzan movie isn’t like the usual Tarzan movies. This one takes place ten years after Tarzan leaves the jungle. Tarzan is living in Victorian-era London with his wife Jane. Tarzan and Jane go back to the jungle to save his home.

“It’s almost the opposite of the classic tale, where it’s about taming the beast,” says Skarsgård, 39. “This is about a man who’s holding back and slowly as you peel off the layers, he reverts back to a more animalistic state and lets that side of his personality out.”

I’m going to assume that “peel off the layers” means that Tarzan takes off those Old Navy khakis right away and gets naked. If that doesn’t happen, I’m going to sue ASkars for misrepresentation.

USA Today also posted a couple of pictures and this mess looks like a low-budget show on The CW that people only watch because it’s got topless dudes in it. In the picture below, they Photoshopped Joe ManJello’s arm on ASkars’ body and they both look like they’re thinking to themselves, “Shit, this is going to flop, isn’t it?”

I don’t care, though. I still can’t wait and I would throw money at the screen, but my hands are busy doing something else. Typing, you sucios, typing!