Huh. I would have figured that Gwyneth Paltrow would have had one of her minions turn the Pepto pink taffeta Ralph Lauren gown she wore to the 1999 Academy Awards into a collection of bidet polishing rags (it is a sixteen-seasons old Ralph Lauren, after all). But apparently she’s been hanging on to it in hopes that one day her daughter, Apple Martin, might slip it on and stare at herself in the mirror, thinking “Oh my god, I look like I’m wearing a duvet cover from Barbie’s Dream House.”
Gwyneth told PeopleStyle that she’s been saving all her fancy couture gowns for years for Apple, even before Apple was Apple. Goopy says that she started putting shit away twelve years before Apple was born in 2004, and she’s been hoarding ever since. Goopy saved every Oscar dress (Hey goth saggy titty dress!), but it’s that famous pink one that she thinks will be the first to be pulled out of mothballs and given the Febreze treatment. Ha, listen to me – acting like Goopy would ever be so gauche as to spritz her garments with anything less than organic spring water from a $270 leather-bound Hermes atomizer.
“Maybe she’ll wear it to prom and do a Pretty in Pink thing and resew it and cut it up. I don’t know if I’d let her chop that one up.”
Instead, Gwyneth will personally call up her good friend Ralph Lauren and tell him to throw together a My First Pretty in Pink Prom Dress Experience kit, including a replica of her pink Oscar gown, a 24k gold sewing machine, and 3 bobbins of thread pulled from the ass of the world’s rarest and most expensive silkworm. And if Ralph really wanted to go the extra mile, he would also include a little set of instructions featuring a picture of Andie’s prom dress and a note that says “Whatever you do, don’t make it look like this“, because let’s be honest, that dress was TRAGIC.