File this under: Something you really wanted and needed to know in order to go on with your life.
Oliver Hudson (aka Kate Hudson’s brother, Goldie Hawn’s son, that hot douche Jeff from Nashville and the 90s-loving dad from Scream Queens) was on Conan the other night and the conversation somehow went from how he gained a bunch of chunk in New Orleans to how he got his dick bush waxed off. Oliver told Conan O’Brien that his wife promised him certain “things” if he made his crotch look like that of a porn star’s or like that of a dude on Grindr who’s trying to make his dick look bigger. So Oliver got all of his crotch furs ripped out.
Okay, but what I want to know is, what sort of things did his wife promise him? My guess is that she promised to blow him if he went bare down there. If that’s the case, the hell kind of Where The Wild Things Are situation is going on down there? Did she not want to suck it before because it would be like sucking on a dog tail? Is Oliver half Pinhead and so his pubes are like needles and his wife didn’t want to poke her eyeball out while giving him a beej? Damn, Oliver should submit his pubes to science to be studied.
And I don’t know if it’s the cold medicine talking, but seeing Tom Jones in that turtleneck did things to me. Please tell me it’s the cold medicine talking.