Every year, the fancy Pirelli calendar is usually filled with naked models being artsy and naked. But this year, Pirelli changed shit up and replaced model nipples with pictures of women who are mostly known for their brains and skills and shit. There’s not much nudity in it and most of the women are fully clothed. First Playboy announces that they are de-Playboy-ing themselves by not showing Photoshopped naked chicks anymore and now Pirelli has also decided to not show lady nipples? Why won’t anyone think of the straight male boners!?! What are straight dudes supposed to jack off to now? Where are straight dudes supposed to get their fapping material? Oh yeah, I guess there is that thing called “the Internet.”
Harper’s Bazaar says that Pirelli hired Annie Leibovitz to shoot artsy black and white pictures of Patti Smith, blogger/actress Tavi Gevinson, director Ava Duvernay, actress Yao Chen, man shorts hater Fran Lebowitz, Serena Williams, Yoko Ono, movie producer Kathleen Kennedy, philanthropist Agnes Gund, businesswoman Mellody Hobson, artist Shirin Neshat, model Natalia Vodianova and Amy Schumer. Only a few of the pictures have been released so far, but it looks like Serena and Amy are the only ones who posed without a top on.
In Amy’s HBO special, she jokes a lot about how she’s the “fat comedian” and how she’s constantly shoveling everything from This Is Why You’re Fat into her mouth. So I didn’t expect her to look like that in her panties. I expected her to look like the giant lump of lard that my abuelita kept in an old Ragu jar under the kitchen sink for years. (Side note: That jar of lard mysteriously went missing a while ago and I’m guessing that it moved to New York, became a real estate mogul and is now running for president.)
And I am all for Pirelli giving us “real” poses, but did they have to choose a picture where Amy Schumer looks like she’s squeezing out a shit on the toilet while drinking coffee before getting dressed for work? Well, the Pirelli calendar is for rich dudes and “ladies taking a dump while drinking coffee” does sound like a weird rich dude fetish.