Since Goopy Paltrow is the real White Oprah (sorry, Dina Lohan, but you’re more like the Trashy Robin Byrd), she steam queefed out one of her own Favorite Things list called The Ridiculous (But Awesome) Gifts list. Nearly everything on the list is ridiculous. She got that part right. The list is supposed to come off as tongue-in-cheek, but you know Goopy buys this shit for real.
On the list are $55,000 headphones, a $244 toothpaste squeezer, a $42 condom dispenser, a $2,000 wood fire pizza smoker and a portable V-steamer so you can steam the wrinkles out of your twat from the comfort of your own home. But the thing that is going to make Terrence Howard form baby wiped-hearts in his eyes over Goopy Paltrow is the set of baby wipes that cost $950!!!!! The description for Joséphier tissues is so damn pretentious that reading it made me shit up a snobby little Swiss man who called my shoes cheap before skipping off.
Each individual sheet is a multilayered microcosm of form and function constructed with comfort and cleanliness in mind. Tender virgin new-growth fibres are refined with a pro-vitamin B5 and essential mineral coating to provide maximum skin protection even in dry use. The dendritic structure of the inner core provides optimal absorption while the outer layers act as moisture barrier for wet use. The ultra gentle quilted surface provides profound softness. All raw materials are FSC and PEFC certified to ensure the product is sustainable as it is desirable. Joseph’s Toiletries’ toilet paper is accompanied with two treatments to introduce the concept of pure cleansing and exceptional skin care to toilet hygiene.
For $950, those tender virgin new-growth fibres better do more than just moisturize and wipe up your piss and shit holes. The dendritic structure of the inner core better turn twat lips into platinum and line your sugar walls with diamonds. It better turn your ass tunnel and vagina into a diamond mine. If for some reason, you really want to feel like you’re wiping luxury onto your b-hole and p-hole, just draw accent marks over the “a” and “i” on the pack of Charmin you keep under the bathroom sink and pronounce it “shaw-may.”
But really, you know Goopy doesn’t even use those $950 baby wipes. That’s what she buys for her housekeepers. Wiping your pussy with papers goods is so provincial. After Goopy pisses, she squats over her bidet that squirts out diamond water and after that, a tiny virgin monk shuffles in and gently blows her vagine dry as another attendant pulls out the gold stick up her ass and polishes it.