It felt like it was just yesterday when I was rolling my eyes while spitting out the words, “shameless stunt queen whores,” under my breath as I looked at Sofia Vergara and tall drink of muscles Joe Manganiello keep it totally natural and not-at-all choreographed in front of the paps. And now they’re married. I know, they’re really taking this PR stunt relationship all the way! That’s dedication! That’s how it’s done!
No, no, that’s just the bitterness and jealousy talking. I’m sure their love is completely natural and totally organic, and now they’re officially married to each other. People says that 43-year-old Sofia and 38-year-old Joe got married at The Breakers in Palm Beach, FL (aka the hotel from Heartbreakers) at around 7pm tonight in front of 400 guests including famous types like Reese Witherspoon, Channing Tatum, the entire cast of Modern Family, Anna Paquin, Stephen Moyer, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Harvey Weinstein. I know, 7pm on a damn Sunday! Some of Sofia and Joe’s guests are probably working on their “ill voice,” because they’re going to need to call in sick tomorrow.
Sofia has already Instagrammed pictures from the wedding, and sadly, Joe is wearing clothes. I know, what’s the point of marrying Joe ManJello if you’re not going to marry him while he’s totally naked except for a bow tie wrapped around his peen?
Guests had to hand over their cell phones to security before the ceremony. But don’t worry, since Sofia’s hustle game is like no other, I’m sure we’ll soon find out every detail of the wedding. There will be 600 pictures in People, a cheap replica of Sofia’s wedding dress will be sold at Kmart, an exclusive Cover Girl perfume that captures the scent of their love will be created and you’ll be able to buy the model of the bed they fucked on as husband and wife at Rooms To Go.
Sofia and Joe became a thing last year after she broke up with that Onion Crunch mogul douche who is now suing her for the right to use their embryos.
I would say congratulations, but I’m not going to do that, because I hate Sofia Vergara!!! First of all, she gets to fuck on Joe ManJello regularly and second of all, he serenaded her with this beautiful song: