Now For Some Thoughts On Why Women Shouldn’t Be Pilots, Courtesy Of Shirley Bassey

“I sure hope the pilot flying that plane up there doesn’t have a pussy!” is what I imagine Shirley Bassey is thinking in the picture above.

Well here’s a whole hell of a lot of random for you. During a recent interview with the Daily Mail, Dame Shirley Bassey (the voice behind a bunch of James Bond theme songs, like the International Gold Digger’s Club anthem, “Diamonds Are Forever“) decided to give a little impromptu TED Talk on gender equality. And basically, here’s what you need to know: Shirley Bassey isn’t having it.

Shirley Bassey farted on the idea of women doing “men’s jobs“, and no, she’s not referring to the type of jobs found posted on a HELP WANTED sign outside of a male strip club. According to Shirley Bassey, women shouldn’t be doing shit like flying planes or fighting fires. And Shirley has a very scientific explanation for her theory: it’s because ladies have periods. Duh!

“There’s a reason why men are here. If I was flying with a female pilot, for instance, I’d be very worried. Women have periods and hormones, and that bothers me about women who want men’s jobs. Like firefighters, police, soldiers…I don’t believe in women soldiers! Come on, women should be women. We should be feminine.”

But it’s not just ladies who got a taste of Shirley’s “I’m judging you” side-eye. She also came for the men who stay at home while their selfish period-having wives put innocent people’s lives in danger by crawling into the cockpit of an airplane.

“I’m not sad about it. We should accept it. It’s worked this way for a long time. Men went out and brought home the bacon. Women are now going a step too far, trying to be cleverer than men — or as clever. Now, the man becomes the house-husband and it’s wrong. It shouldn’t be that way. The caveman doesn’t want a woman who threatens him.”

Shirley then added (she didn’t, but just go with me here): “And that’s why Judi Dench was killed at the end of Skyfall. A woman can’t run M16! What if she goes on a PMS rampage after discovering Bond ate her secret stash of chocolate? What then???”

Obviously I CAN’T with Shirley Bassey, because it’s not just ladies who have out-of-control hormones. For example: has Shirley ever known a guy in a fantasy football league whose team is playing for shit? That’s an emotional roller coaster far more intense and messy than 5 days on your period.

Pic: Splash