That low-budget basic bitch ABC Family movie that is committing fraud by calling itself Jem and the Holograms has turned out to be a bigger and stinkier turd than expected. If I could time travel back to 1985, I’d tell my young, innocent, little self to just stay in bed for most of 2015. Just pull the covers over your head and don’t turn on the TV or look at something called the Internet. “It’s for your own good!” is what I’d scream at my young self as my young self played with a Pizzazz doll.
The Jem movie that isn’t a Jem movie was first shat up onto screens on October 23rd and it became one of the biggest wide-release bombs in history by only bringing in $1.3 million. The evil, childhood-murdering executives at Universal probably shrugged over that, because Jem only cost $5 million to make, so many box office expert types figured that they’d eventually make their money back. But well, it did worse and worse and after just 2 weeks, movie theater owners realized that they should immediately yank that blasphemous piece of trash. They figured that they’d make more money if they showed the Screech sex tape or cyst-popping videos on IMAX 3D and in Smell-O-Vision. (You know, I’d probably pay actual money to watch cyst-popping videos on IMAX 3D and in Smell-O-Vision.)
Jem’s second week in theaters only brought in $387,925. After that, Universal stopped reporting how much it made, because I guess they thought it was stupid to submit a report that only had zeros on it. A box office analyst tells Business Insider that theaters are contractually obligated to show a movie for at least two weeks, but he’s never heard of a studio not even bothering to report.
“Theater chains are contractually obligated to hold a film for two weeks after booking it. However, in all my days as an analyst, I’ve never seen a studio actually stop reporting after two weeks. This is unprecedented, and shows just how badly this film flopped. Not only is it the lowest-grossing debut for a studio film this year, but it’s the worst all-time — by a considerable margin — for any film released in 2,000-plus theaters.”
Well, the US probably doesn’t have to worry about other countries declaring war on us for infecting them with Jem, because it’s probably not going to open anywhere overseas. Although, it supposedly opened in a couple of foreign countries including Slovenia where it made a whopping $3k!!! I don’t know if this is totally accurate, but Jem’s Wikipedia page currently has this hilariously sad piece of info on it:
The film ended its North American theatrical run on November 5, 2015, two weeks after opening. Its final domestic gross is $2,184,640 with overseas takings of $7,815 for a worldwide total of $2,192,455.
The film’s international rollout began in October 22, where it debuted to a fourth-place finish in Slovenia. It debuted in 9 screens and had a weekend gross of $2,064. The movie’s total is $3,046.
The Jem movie will probably stink up VOD any day now, but it shouldn’t! If Universal doesn’t erase it from existence, the children of the 80s should threaten to sue them on behalf of Jem for defaming her character! When we Google “the Jem and the Holograms movie 2015,” the screen should go black and the words “Let’s Not Go Back To That Dark Time” should pop up before we’re redirected to old episodes of the Jem TV show on YouTube.