Something You’ve Heard 5,678,954 Times Before: A Duggar Had A Baby

And you’ll hear it 5,678,954 times before you die and leave a cruel world that will most likely be 85% Duggar.

Jessa Duggar Seewald, the fifth oldest member of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar’s cult of tater tot casserole insanity, gave birth to her inaugural child yesterday. I was going to say that this may be the first time in decades that a Duggar doesn’t have a human in her womb, but I’m sure that as soon as Jessa’s first of 500 kids checked out of her baby-growing bag, he passed the baton to a tiny fetus who in 9 months will be the newest cast member of her TLC specials.

Jessa gave birth to a son in Arkansas yesterday and keeping with her beliefs, she and her husband Ben Seewald immediately pimped out the news to People Magazine. Jessa tried to birth out her baby at home, but there were complications, so she had to go to the hospital. Their son weighed in at 9 lbs. 11 oz. and is 21 ½ inches long. They haven’t released their son’s name yet, because I’m sure they’re saving that special announcement for next week’s cover of People. Jim Bob and Michelle have already beat the life out of the letter “J,” Jill claimed the letter “I” and the rotting pedo potato that is Josh Duggar has begun terrorizing the letter “M.” So I’m going to guess that Jessa and Ben are going to take the letter “P” by naming their son People Magazine TLC Duggar-Seewald. If you need to see what Jessa’s first baby looks like, People has a picture. (SPOILER ALERT: He looks like a newborn.)

I bet that right after Jessa’s son opened his eyes, he looked up at his mom and said “Oh shit!” after realizing that he’s a Duggar. Then he looked down, realized he’s a boy and said “Phew!” while wiping his brow.

Pic: Instagram