Adele On Squads, Damon Albarn And How She Cut Back On Precious Booze Because Of Her Kid

November 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like she’s pondering the meaning of life while taking a post-shower caca (and yes, if she recorded her post-shower caca noises, it’d go straight to #1 on all the charts), Adele did a cover interview with Rolling Stone where she talks about being a mom, squads, her love of RiRi and how she regrets working with Damon Albarn of Blur after he publicly called her ass “insecure” and said her new stuff is “middle of the road.” I’ve thrown up some choice quotes after the cut, but you can read the entire thing here. It’s pretty charming, so if you’re an Adeleloonie, you’ll want to marry it and then heartlessly break up with it the next day so you can squirt out tears while listening to that “Hello” song for the billionth time.

On ridiculous ass squads and how she wants RiRi in hers: “I’ve heard about a squad,” she says with an amused snort. “I wish my squad was all supermodels. We are, in our brains. I guess I have my own squad.” She pronounces the word in a comical American accent. “It’s not as interesting as some of the other squads that are around right now.” She brightens. “But maybe Rihanna can be in my squad! That would be really cool. Oh, God. She’s life itself, isn’t she? I love her.”

On her “Paradise” tattoo: “‘Cause [my son] is my paradise,” she says, with an uncharacteristic touch of bashfulness. (Among other ink, she also has a huge tattoo of three doves on her back.) She didn’t find out until too late that Lana Del Rey also has a “paradise” hand tattoo — a coincidence Adele finds hilarious. “She probably thinks I’m, like, some mad fangirl,” she says, launching into a campy rendition of the chorus of “Born to Die.” “I mean, I am a Lana fangirl, but not a crazy one.”

On how she doesn’t know why Damon Albarn of Blur called her “insecure after working with her: “It ended up being one of those ‘don’t meet your idol’ moments. And the saddest thing was that I was such a big Blur fan growing up. But it was sad, and I regret hanging out with him.” They didn’t finish a single song. “No! None of it was right. None of it suited my record. He said I was insecure, when I’m the least-insecure person I know. I was asking his opinion about my fears, about coming back with a child involved — because he has a child — and then he calls me insecure?”

On how she doesn’t like it when the media pits the likes of the humping naked chipmunk Miley Cyrus against her: “I’d rather not be the person that everyone gets pitted against. If they do decide to get their body out, I would rather not be that person because that’s just pitting a woman against another woman, and I don’t hold any more moral high ground than anyone else. So that has pissed me off a bit. Not that I’m going to start getting my tits out now!”

On how she quit smoking and drastically cut back on the sweet nectar because of her kid: “”I absolutely loved [smoking], but it’s not that fucking cool when I’m dying from a smoking-related illness and my kid is, like, devastated. I used to be able to drink anyone under the table and still be able to put on an all-right show. But with kids, hangovers are torture. They just know. They pick up on it and just go for you.”

That last one should be the crown jewel of the interview. Hell, it should be the only quote in the interview. Her cover of Rolling Stone should read: ADELE WARNS YOU SWEET NECTAR LOVERS ABOUT THE DANGERS OF HAVING A KID!!!! I don’t think I ever knew that children are icy demon monsters who can sniff out your hangover and live for making it worse. That would be a problem for me. I’d have to get boozed up to deal with a little kid, but then I’d end up paying double the price the next morning when that child jumped up and down on my hangover while screaming. Well, I guess I could solve that problem that by killing my hangover with more booze. “Haha, I really showed you, kid. Now let’s go and get In-N-Out for breakfast. You’ll have to drive, though.”

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