Those damn Santa Ana winds (Note: If you’re a weather-themed drag queen looking for a name, consider Santa Ana Winds.) must’ve swept in some serious shit, because my allergies are acting up like Justin Bieber during a Norwegian TV performance. I’ve been overdosing on Benadryl, so when I first saw these pictures of the Today hosts in Peanuts drag for Halloween, I thought the medicine kicked on the “hallucination” switch in my brain. This is what it would look like if those mutant creatures from The Hills Have Eyes disguised themselves as Peanuts characters to lure children into their cave. I have three words for this: MWA MWA MWA?! That’s Peanuts grown-up talk for “WHY, GOD, WHY?!”
Every Halloween, the Today hosts dress up as a theme and this year they did themselves up as Peanuts characters to promote the movie. Yes, the Peanuts movie got some promo, but we paid the price for it! Charles M. Schulz just rolled over face down in his grave, because he doesn’t want to see this mess.
Matt Lauer as the fugliest Lucy ever gets a nope and Meredith Vieira looking like the Toxic Avenger’s younger brother gets a double nope. Both Meredith and Willie Geist look like they have dead worms on their head. But for me, the most horrifying looks go to Kathie Lee Gifford as Woodstock and Al Roker as Charlie Brown.
You better Super Glue your eyelids to your eyebrows tonight, because if you close your eyes and fall asleep, these dark-sided demons are going to slither into your nightmares.
That picture of Kathie Lee Gifford looks like a still from an episode of Botched where the Grinch asks Dr. Dubrow and Dr. Nassif for help because he got a shitty nose job from a back alley plastic surgeon in Whoville. I didn’t need to know what kind of creature would be born if Voldemort and the green Teletubby mated.
And Al Roker! They definitely hate Al Roker at the Today show, because they did him wrong. It looks like somebody doody’d out a caca ribbon on the head of Sloth from Goonies. It’s like Al Roker sharted on his own head.
I will never be able to unsee any of these pictures. Fuck you for that, Today!