Derek Jeter Is Going To Be Somebody’s Husband

October 28, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s the end of a man slut era. UsWeekly claims that former MVMS (most valuable man slut) Derek Jeter is engaged to his Sports Illustrated model girlfriend Hannah Davis. The executives at GlaxoSmithKline, the makers of Valtrex, are loudly weeping as their stock PLUMMETS.

A source type tells Page Six that Derek proposed on Sunday, which was their 3 year anniversary. The source also says that Derek is so serious that he asked Hannah’s parents for their thumbs up to propose to their daughter. UsWeekly’s source says that he’s happy, Hannah’s happy, her family’s happy and everybody’s happy except for those GlaxoSmithKline execs.

“Their relationship works because they are both supportive and sweet to each other,” the source tells Us. “They almost never fight.”

And this is great, great, great news for all of Derek Jeter’s past one-night tricks. Because now they can get more on eBay for the post-fuck parting gift basket he gave them. Congratulations to us all!

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