Those of us hos from the 80s who were planning to meet with lawyers this morning to discuss suing Universal Pictures for viciously defaming the image of Jem by turning her into an annoying ABC Family movie character, don’t even have to bother. Universal got their punishment, because Jem and the Holograms was an even bigger flop than everyone predicted.
Box Office Mojo says that the entire US box office looked like the inside of a backed-up toilet in a Taco Bell bathroom. It was a complete shit show. The Last Witch Hunter, Rock the Kasbah, Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension and Steve Jobs (which opened in wide release) all ended up in the sewer. But the biggest sinking turd was Jem. Some box office expert types guessed that Jem would make around $5 million in its opening weekend, but when tumbleweeds swept into the theaters showing it on Thursday night, they figured it would make $3 million. It didn’t even make half that. It brought in $1.32 million in 2,413 theaters, making it one of the biggest wide-release bombs in box office history. In this GIF, Pizzazz is playing the part of the box office and Lin-Z is playing the part of the Jem movie.
Buzzfeed says that Jem made $547 per theater for the entire weekend and that earned it the title of the third worst opening weekend ever for a first-run movie debuting in more than 2,000 theaters. Only the 2008 cartoon movie Delgo (whatever that is) and 2012’s Oogieloves did worse. But unlike those two flops, Jem was released by a major studio. If you want to know what the weekend’s box office looked like, just Google “a picture of a pile of poop.” Or look at this:
1. The Martian – $15,900,000
2. Goosebumps – $15,500,000
3. Bridge of Spies – $11,365,000
4. The Last Witch Hunter – $10,825,000
5. Hotel Transylvania 2 – $9,000,000
6. Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension – $8,200,000
7. Steve Jobs – $7,270,000
8. Crimson Peak – $5,560,000
9. The Intern – $3,855,000
10. Sicario – $2,950,000
11. Woodlawn – $2,550,000
12. Pan – $2,540,000
13. Rock The Kasbah – $1,509,816
14. Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials – $1,425,000
15. Jem and the Holograms – $1,320,000
Maybe this will finally teach Hollywood that bad things happen when you ruin childhoods by turning a beloved classic into something that has nothing to do with the original story. Yeah, right. I’m sure those evil bitches will announce that they’re rebooting Beverly Hills Teens as a “sci-fi mystery adventure” titled Calabasas Teens, which will star the Smith kids.