The “Jem And The Holograms” Movie Is Probably Going To Truly, Truly Flop At The Box Office This Weekend

I can’t bring myself to see the movie that’s using the name Jem and the Holograms as its title, because it’s like paying to see the mutilated, butchered-up and shit-upon body of one of your old childhood friends (that you actually liked) and there’s not a popcorn bag big enough to hold all of the watery drops of sadness that’d squirt out of my eyeholes.   Well, so far, it looks like I’m not alone, because every theater that showed a sneak peak of it last night didn’t even make enough money to buy all the cleaning supplies they’ll need to cleanse their screens of Jem’s butchered remains.

Deadline says that Jem and the Holograms was shat up into 944 theaters last night and it made a grand total of $34,000. That’s $36 a theater. To put that number into perspective, the new Paranormal Activity movie made $600,000 last night, so its farts are worth $34,000. Deadline also says that Jem will probably make around $3 million this weekend. Even though that mess is a flop in the hearts of us 80s children, it’s probably not going to be a financial flop. It cost only $5 million to make, which explains why their version of Synergy looks like a busted webcam that was sold as-is at a Radio Shack going out of business sale.

And THE REVIEWS! The part of me that really hates myself wants to go to the theater and a buy a ticket for something less embarrassing, like The Last Witch Hunter (which is pretty damn embarrassing), and sneak into the Jem movie with a black lace veil over my face so I can see how they turned an 80s icon into a pink UGGs-wearing, Pumpkin Spice Latte-drinking basic bitch from YouTube. (And I kind of want to see how they ruined The Misfits in the after-credits scene.) Here’s a few reviews:

Jon Chu‘s ‘Jem and the Holograms’: a shallow, lifeless semi-musical propped up by YouTube videos from fans who will surely be mortified to see what has been done with their favorite ’80s pop icon. – Cinema Blend

Director Jon Chu stretches ‘Jem’ to a ridiculous two hours, via endless amateur-musician YouTube clips. Anyone can be a star, they attest — and always be yourself! (Except when you’re Jem. I guess.) Fans of the cartoon should stick around for Lewis’ after-credits sequence, which introduces a dastardly rival band. It’s the movie’s best scene, setting up a sequel we’ll never see. – New York Post

Whereas Hasbro’s cartoon Jem and the Holograms was spunky, brash and over the top, this live-action version of Jem and her sisters dispenses with the camp and goes straight for corny. There’s hardly tension, barely any drama and the sugar high you might expect from an eighties redux is replaced by a dull aspartame buzz. – Globe and Mail

Hardcore fans won’t find much of the Jem they loved under the movie’s achingly hip millennial trappings, while young newcomers will be left wondering what a robot has to do with a rock band. – The Detroit News

Oh, Jem, you’re too glamorous and special for the 21st century, anyway. I’ll just spend my weekend holding my laptop screen while listening to this over and over again.