Who Doesn’t Love The Sound Of Porn Noises While Shopping For Laundry Detergent And Cupcake Wine?

The answer to that headline question is: Lots of people, apparently. Weird, I know. And I felt like a picture of the Target Lady giving two imaginary hand jobs and one imaginary blow job was appropriate for this story.

Usually when I hear orgasm moans and “OH YES! OH FUCKING YES!” sounds at Target, it’s from someone’s mom losing her mind over Doorbuster deals on Dove body wash and Glaceau Fruit Water. But at a Target in Campbell, CA on Wednesday morning, the orgasm moans filling the store was from a porn that accidentally played on the speakers. Executives at Walmart are probably rolling their eyes at that, because yeah, Target may give you sounds from a porn, but if you go to any of their locations in Florida, you can see a meth head jacking off onto a shower puff while butt boning himself with a toothbrush.

KPIX 5 says that when the porn sounds came over the speakers, parents screamed and covered up their children’s innocent ears before running out of the store. Gina Young was shopping at that Target and she posted a video of the porn-induced mayhem on Facebook. She says people threw their crap down on the floor and walked out while the employees ran around. Strangers offered to cover up her twins’ ears before the sounds stopped… for a second and started back up again. It played for a total of 15 minutes. I bet there was a clean-up on every aisle after this mess played.

Target apologized to their customers and said that they were going to do an internal investigation to figure out how this happened. I’m sure that “internal investigation” will lead to them discovering that Assistant Manger Louie accidentally turned the PA system on with his elbow while spending his lunch break jacking it to PornHub on the office computer.

One customer isn’t taking Target’s apology. What he said to KPIX sounds like cut dialogue from John Waters’ A Dirty Shame:

“I felt violated, and my body said wait a minute, this ain’t right. So I was uneasy. I thought it may have been Halloween related, maybe an employee playing games, but this was rated-X material, which made me feel very uncomfortable. I was taken aback, very frustrated, and appalled, and angered by what I heard.”

The drama. Dude, it’s okay that those sounds made you jizz your chonies without touching yourself. It doesn’t mean you’re unclean. He acts like Target played something really terrible like an LMFAO song. When stores start playing Christmas music non-stop in a few weeks, if not a few days, we’re all going to be begging them to play porn sounds instead.