Last year, Oscar Pistorius was sent off to the chokey for 5 years after he was found guilty of culpable homicide (that’s “manslaughter” in American legal talk) for shooting and killing his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp in his bathroom on Valentine’s Day in 2013. Oscar used the “I thought she was an intruder!” defense while some of us rolled our eyeballs while saying, “Uh huh, sure, South African OJ.” After sitting in prison for a whole 12 months, the parole board has decided to release him, but don’t worry, his punishment continues.
Oscar will be moved to a luxurious mansion where he’ll have to stay for the next 4 years. I know, how in the hell is house arrest a punishment? That sounds like the opposite of a punishment to me. That gives you a valid excuse to get out of going to someone’s party. I’ve basically been on self-appointed house arrest for years.
ABC News says that Oscar was originally supposed to be put on house arrest in August, but Justice Minister Michael Masutha pressed the pause button on those plans, because he felt like it was two soon and he passed the case back to the parole board. Well, everyone has decided, “Dude served 2 more WHOLE months, we’re good.” Oscar will reportedly start his house arrest at his Uncle’s mansion on October 20, 2015 and that will end on October 20, 2019. The parole board gave us all a dry hand job by saying that Oscar does not have a leg up on the other criminals because of his fame and money. Oscar being a famous athlete had nothing to do with why they released him after 1 year. Apparently, this sort of thing happens often due to “overcrowding.”
A lawyer for Reeva Steenkamp’s family released this statement shortly after the news was announced:
“Nothing has changed for June and Barry, nothing will bring Reeva back. They are not surprised at all by this announcement. They expected this.”
The parole board did say that Oscar has to follow “correctional supervision conditions” and I’m going to take that to mean that he will only get maid service for 5 out of 7 days and will only be allowed 8 hours of computer time, which he’ll probably use to write his million dollar tell-all. I was going to say that making Oscar do his own laundry is a major punishment since his future girlfriends will probably piss in the bed rather than risk going to the bathroom in the middle of the night, but that would mean I completely buy his whole “I thought she was an intruder hiding in the toilet room” defense.