Dear Scrooge, Cruella de Vil and Captain Hook, please get on your knees and immediately worship at the evil feet of your new villainess hero.
Jennifer Connell has sued her 12-year-old nephew for causing her to break her wrist by hugging her a little too excitedly at his 8th birthday party. I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or slow clap for her dark-hearted evil ways. But I do know that the next time I’m at a family party and I’m not in the mood for hugs from my relatives, I’ll just show them this story as a warning that their hug can lead me to me breaking my wrist which can lead to them having to sell their internal organs on the black market to pay me.
This mess of a story sounds like it’s straight out of The Onion, but apparently it’s real. The Connecticut Post says that Jennifer Connell, a 54-year-old human resources manager from Manhattan, threw the lawsuit at her nephew Sean Tarala and she wants $127,000 in damages for pain and suffering. Sean is the only defendant in the case. Auntie Jen’s pain and suffering all started at Sean’s 8th birthday party in 2011. In court on Friday, Aunt Jen testified that when she got to the party at the Tarala home in Westport, CT, Sean was riding around on his bike. When he saw his Auntie Jen, he dropped his bike, ran over to her and jumped into her arms, which caused both of them to hit the ground. That may seem like the kind of cheesy awwwww moment you see in a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie, but it was an act of terror to Aunt Jen. Aunt Jen’s wrist got jacked up in the fall and her life has never been the same. Oh how I wish Judge Judy was the judge in this case.
All of a sudden he was there in the air, I had to catch him and we tumbled onto the ground,” Connell testified of her encounter with the 50-pound boy. “I remember him shouting, ‘Auntie Jen I love you,’ and there he was flying at me.”
Although hurt, Connell said, she didn’t complain to the boy at the time.
“It was his birthday party and I didn’t want to upset him,” she told the jury. But, Connell continued, her life was turned upside down as a result of the injury.
“I live in Manhattan in a third-floor walk-up so it has been very difficult,” she said. “And we all know how crowded it is in Manhattan.”
Aunt Jen said that Sean has always been “very loving” and “sensitive” toward her, but her suit claims that he was old enough to know that a leaping hug could lead to injury.
Sean was in court with his dad on Friday and reporters say he looked “confused.” I’m taking that to mean he made a “What the fuck, Aunt Jen?” face the entire time. What makes this story extra heartwarming is that Sean’s mother died last year.
At this point, you probably feel zero ounces of sympathy for Evil Aunt Jen. Well, this disturbing piece of information she said in front of the jury will completely change your mind.
“I was at a party recently, and it was difficult to hold my hors d’oeuvre plate,” she said.
This whole mess sounds like an insurance thing. Aunt Jen is suing her nephew to get his dad’s homeowner’s insurance company to pay up. But this has gone beyond money. Aunt Jen can’t even hold her hors d’oeuvre plate at a party! When a server asks her, “Mam, would you like another smoked salmon and caviar canape,” she can’t say yes, because she can’t hold it on her plate! That boy must be imprisoned before he violently hugs someone else and messes up their ability to hold an hors d’oeuvre plate at a stupid party! Goopy Paltrow is totally going to start a charity for Aunt Jen.
UPDATE: She lost and it didn’t take the jury long to decide. via NYDN
A Connecticut jury needed just 25 minutes Tuesday to decide against a Manhattan human resources manager who sued her own nephew for $127,000 in damages after he accidentally broke her wrist.
Connell barely flinched when the jury’s verdict was read and then fled the Bridgeport courthouse without saying a word.
Her now 12-year-old nephew, Sean Tarala of Westport, Conn., was not in the courtroom.
“We just couldn’t find him, you know, liable for what happened,” a female juror said of the boy.
That jury is ice cold. She can barely hold an hors d’oeuvre plate! Justice has failed yet again.