Taylor Swift Taught Calvin Harris Well

October 12, 2015 / Posted by:

Sadly, it doesn’t seem like we’re going to get Taylor Swift break-up songs titled “No More Happy Endings” and “Tugging My Heart Strings Raw,” because her rep has rubbed out the rumor that Insufferable Barbie and Ken are over.

Over the weekend, Radar said that Taylor dumped Calvin into the dumpster marked “Taylor’s Ex-Boyfriends,” because he got caught leaving a massage place that is reportedly known for jerking the peen during a rubdown. (Gawker trolled rub and tug review sites and determined that if you’re looking for a prostate massage and a hand job, don’t go to the place where Calvin went, because they don’t do that kind of thing there.)

A source tells People that they’re still together and they’re still spending their hot Friday nights playing with her pussies. No, of course, I don’t mean that in a sex way. I don’t think they do that. I mean that they dress her cats up in bonnets and reenact scenes from Little House on the Prairie. Taylor’s rep Tree Paine also denied Radar’s story on Twitter. Yes, I know the real story here is that there’s a human on earth named Tree Paine. Tree Paine sounds like the name T-Pain’s parents gave him at birth, which is why he goes by T-Pain.

And Calvin took a page out of Taylor’s book on How To Deal With Everything by threatening to sue Radar and any other gossiping bitch who says that he loves a little and rub and tug.

The “bye bye” really makes that threat extra hard and extra badass. You know a bitch is serious when they end their threat with a “bye bye.” But damn, Calvin got his dick skin in a twist over that story. If only there was a place that could rub out that knot for him…..

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