Justin Bieber Wants His Dick Off Of The Internet, But He’s Glad You Saw It

October 9, 2015 / Posted by:

No, I’m not going to guess what that finger smells like, because I’m way too hungover and not drunk enough for that.

The world hasn’t been the same ever since Justin Bieber’s Canadian breakfast sausage hit the Internet. Lives and relationships have been destroyed. Case in point: One of my friends said to me, “I can’t believe Justin Bieber’s dick is more impressive than Lenny Kravitz’s.” I would tell you that friend’s name, but I erased it from my memory, because she is forever dead to me now.

Speaking of erasing stuff, Justin Bieber’s lawyers are trying to scrub the Internet of the pictures of Biebs’ peen breathing in the Bora Bora air. The Hollywood Reporter says that his lawyers have hit the New York Daily News, the first ones to post the pics, with a cease and desist letter and are demanding that they yank Justin Bieber’s dick. As of right this second, the pictures are still up on the NYDN’s site.

In the pictures, you can’t really see the Ed Hardy-approved cross tattoo on the Biebs’ chest, so some guessed that maybe it’s really a strap-on-wearing Miley Cyrus in the pics and the paps got confused. But Justin Bieber’s lawyers confirms that the pictures are of him and they don’t want them on the Internet anymore.

The cease and desist letter also acknowledges that the photos are, in fact, of Bieber, despite online speculation that the photos had been doctored to look like him. “We recently became informed that your company has obtained and is distributing unauthorized photographs of our Client including images showing him without clothing,” reads the letter.

Bieber’s legal team states the publication of the photos represents a violation of the singer’s publicity and privacy rights. The photos also, according to the letter, infringe on Bieber’s trademarks.

TMZ says that even though his lawyers are threatening to sue tricks, the Biebs isn’t that mad about it. Everyone already knew that Justin Bieber is a giant dick, and now he’s apparently happy that everyone knows he has a “giant dick” too.

Our sources say Justin’s anger faded when the pics went viral … for one seemingly larger than average reason: Bieber’s a really big deal, and we’re told he’s happy the world knows it now.

You know, whenever I’m dragged to church and have to get on my knees to pray during mass, I always ask the lord to please gift the Internet with more dick. The Internet could always use some more dick, but this is not what I had in mind. It’s clear that nothing good has come from those pics (“Say that to my sticky hands” – every sick bitch who fapped to those pics) and that includes this heave-inducing tweet from Justin Bieber’s “daddy“:


FOR WHYYYYY????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???

If Justin Bieber is Miley Cyrus’ twin, then Jeremy Bieber is definitely Billy Ray Cyrus’ twin. And if you’re like me, you’re probably running over to Google right now to find out how to easily scoop your eyeballs out with a spoon so you can soak them in bleach and OxyClean over night.

And here’s Jeremy Bieber’s son walking around with Hailey Baldwin, who from the waist down looks like Donald Duck in a saggy diaper.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

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