Almost 5 years ago, Canada heroically saved the lives of Randy and Evi Quaid from a murderous mafia known as the Star Whackers who had killed Heath Ledger and David Carradine and were coming after them next! (No, I don’t know why a bunch of star murderers would want to murder Randy Quaid, but that’s his story.) Evi, whose dad is Canadian, became a citizen and filed papers to sponsor Randy’s citizenship. Everything was maple syrup kisses and poutine dreams until today. Randy Quaid was arrested in Montreal today and he could be deported back to California. That screeching sound you hear is Dennis Quaid driving a U-Haul full of his family and shit from California to Mexico.
While Randy and Evi told everyone that they were fleeing to Canada to escape the Star Whackers, the truth is they were fleeing the US to escape felony vandalism and burglary charges. It’s a long, messy story, but basically Evi and Randy were accused of squatting in the guest house of a Santa Barbara, CA house they once owned. They also didn’t pay a $10,000 hotel bill. CBC News says that Randy’s application for citizenship was eventually denied in 2013 because of the charges he faces in the US. Randy was supposed to meet with the Immigration and Refugee Board of Canada back in 2013, but he blew off that appointment. A warrant for his arrest was issued back then and the police finally caught up to his ass this past April. Randy was arrested in Montreal, where he’s living with Evi. His father-in-law paid his $10,000 bail and he was released. Randy was told to check in with Canada Border Services Agency regularly. During one of his regular check-in visits this morning, Randy was arrested for a second time.
Randy’s lawyer didn’t say exactly why he was arrested. But Evi let out a river of pure craziness on Twitter about his arrest. Evi told Canada to eat her, called them corrupt and said that Randy was arrested by an “actual tall midget.” An actual tall midget… I was going to ask if Justin Bieber arrested Randy, but he’s busy swinging his rolled-up crepe dick around in Bora Bora.
Randy is still in custody and he’ll show his face in a hearing tomorrow. I won’t be surprised if we learn that Randy was arrested for assaulting thousands of eyeballs by releasing the NOT RIGHT sex tapes he made with Evi.
And today, Evi uploaded this video that she and Randy made in the park on their wedding anniversary a couple of days ago. In the video, Evi spits out a message for the Democrats in America while Santa Quaid does the same moves I did while trying to shake the images from their sex tape out of my brain. Don’t worry, this video doesn’t end with Randy butt fucking Evi while he’s wearing a President Obama mask and she’s wearing a Stephen Harper mask. They’re saving that for another video, I’m sure.
I never knew what a Donald Trump supporter really looked like until now. Seems about right.