Archives: October 2015

Open Post: Hosted By Dreamboat Doherty At Paris Fashion Week

October 6, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s been over a year since I’ve written about Panty Creamer Hall of Famer and Macaulay Culkin’s ex-roomie Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty (that art post doesn’t count)so let’s do a little catching up.

Dreamy has reportedly quit that crackhead life completely and is now living in a small French town where he goes antiquing with his girlfriend and plays some game called pétanque in his garden. Dreamy says that his days of injecting dragon chasing fuel into his eyeballs and getting caught up in the overdose deaths of heiresses are long behind him. Dreamy is sober after spending a long time in rehab and he’s back to work with The Libertines. The Libertines have a new album out and they’ve been touring a bit. They were supposed to play a show in London last month, but they canceled at the last minute after Dreamy had some sort of “medical emergency.” They claim that “medical emergency” isn’t PR code for “Dude fell off the wagon again and landed mouth first onto a crack pipe.” Dreamy had a panic attack just hours before he was supposed to go on stage. But he’s all better now and last night, he made an appearance at the Saint Laurent show in Paris where he flashed those gorgeous butt corn teeth and gave us hobo Chuckie Finster. Looking hot, Dreamy!

And now that we’re all caught up with Dreamy, you can go ahead and lick on his teeth freckles, because I know you want to.

Pics: Splash, FameFlynet UK

Because Everybody Asked For This: The Gender-Swapped Twilight Is Here

October 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Stephenie Meyer must have gotten sick of copy cat bitches (see: E.L. James) stealing her brilliant literary ideas and multi-dimensional characters, so she decided to join them by copying herself.

Since it was Twilight’s 10th anniversary yesterday, many Twihards thought that Stephenie would give them the gift of Midnight Sun, the story of Twatlight told from Edward Cullen’s perspective. But Stephenie has given them something even better. Stephenie has “reimaginedTwilight by swapping the genders of the main characters. Stephenie worked tirelessly on reworking her literary masterpiece and by that I mean she pretty much kept everything the same and used the “find and replace” function to change the names “Bella” and “Edward” to “Beau” and “Edythe.” Yes, Bella is now Beau and Edward is Edythe. I love it! Edythe sounds like the name of a grouchy old conservative memaw and Beau sounds like the name of the mischievous mutt she was forced to take care of after her husband died. The names are perfect!

Nicole Kidman Didn’t Even Know About Isabella Cruise’s Wedding

October 6, 2015 / Posted by:

The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day was the first to say that Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise’s 22-year-old daughter Isabella Cruise married her non-Scientologist boyfriend Max Parker at a fancy hotel in London on September 18th. The details were about as convoluted as Tommy Girl’s thought process.

Woman’s Day said that Tommy Girl wasn’t at the wedding, but Nicole Kidman was. Radar piped in and also said that Tommy wasn’t there and they added that he had never met his daughter’s new husband. But then a Tommy Girl source (E.T. probably) told TMZ that he wasn’t at the wedding, but it wasn’t a big deal. Isabella wanted to keep the wedding small and so no parents were invited. TMZ’s source also said that Tom paid for the wedding and had met Max Parker before. Well, now Page Six is jumping in with their side. They say that Tommy was at the wedding and Nicole Kidman didn’t even know it was happening.

RiRi On The Difficult Brown, One-Night Stands And “Hero” Rachel Dolezal

October 6, 2015 / Posted by:

RiRi doesn’t really have anything to sell right now, besides her daily pap walks, Instagram posts and bottles of stank, but she’s on the cover of Vanity Fair and in the interview, she says words about everything from Chris Brown to casual boning to Rachel Dolezal. If your brain completely erased every memory of Rachel Dolezal, I’m jealous of you. But let me remind you who that mess is. Rachel Dolezal is Sideshow Bob’s transracial second cousin who pretended to be black and was the only thing the media talked about for a little while. You know, she was the Kim Davis of June 2015. We all forgot about Rachel Dolezal until RiRi said her name again. Damn you, RiRi, you woke the fame whore beast! But before we get to that…

Grace Jones Is Talking Shit About Lady Gaga Again

October 6, 2015 / Posted by:

I really, really hope that Grace Jones’Reading These Hos Tour” never ever ends, because her beautiful words wrapped in pure bitchiness never fail to take me up, up and away and when I read her interviews I know how Jesus’ apostles felt when he spoke to them. In her memoirs, I Will Never Write My Memoirs, Grace Jones lines up many pop trick of today and slaps them down for copying her. While promoting her memoirs, Grace also slapped down Kanye West for jacking ideas from her and said that he’ll get a face full of her if they ever cross paths. Well, now it’s Lady CaCa’s turn to feel the wrath of Grace again.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

October 6, 2015 / Posted by:

The most-loved ATM in Skoghall, Sweden, if not the world! 

ATMs can bring you happiness (example: when you’re about to meet your weed man, who only takes cash, and you’ve walked 4 blocks before finding an ATM that isn’t broken) and ATMs can bring you sadness (example: when it tells you that you have insufficient funds and you scream at it to please break the rules this time and stop being a square) and I don’t remember the last time I used one, but it’s nice knowing that there’s usually one nearby. The people of Skoghall, Sweden (population: 13,000) haven’t experienced the emotional highs and lows of using an ATM in six months, because that’s the last time their town has had one. But that changed the other day and their lives will never be the same again.

Sweden is one of the most cashless societies in the world (they buy everything with Ikea meatballs) and Skoghall lost its last ATM six months ago, so when a new ATM was unveiled in their town, it was a celebration. I’ve been to birthday parties that weren’t as elaborate as the opening of this ATM was. A reporter showed up to cover the important event, a musical duo yodeled out “We have gotten a new ATM” to the tune of Monty Python’s Always Look On The Bright Side and a dude on the roof threw candy into the streets.

The Daily Star claims that this video is 100% real and isn’t a scene from a Christopher Guest movie:

Were the people so mesmerized by that ATM that they didn’t realize that candy was falling from the sky? Maybe it’s because as a kid I learned I had to elbow and trip brats as soon as the piñata broke open, but I would’ve been all over that candy. Or maybe not. Maybe I would’ve been hypnotized by that beautiful cash machine too. It’s the little things (that charge you a fee and don’t work all the time) in life… Skoghall is doing it right, though. Life is too short to not throw a party for a new ATM. Welcome to the world, Skoghall ATM!


Birthday Sluts

October 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Elisabeth Shue (52)
Roshon Fegan (24)
Olivia Thirlby (29)
Ricky Hatton (37)
Melinda Doolittle (38)
Jeremy Sisto (41)
Jeff B. Davis (42)
Ioan Gruffudd (42)
Lamman Rucker (44)
Amy Jo Johnson (45)
Jacqueline Obradors (49)
Matthew Sweet (51)
Kevin Cronin (64)
Les Moonves (66)
Britt Ekland (73)
Ellen Travolta (75)

Pic: Mark Seliger


Night Crumbs

October 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Kim Kartrashian hates being pregnant and calls it the worst experience of her life. Two things: 1) Her swollen, tortured hooves agree with her and; 2) I’m sure she knows it’s all worth it, because soon she’ll have another dress-up doll to parade in front of the paps!   – HuffPo

Alicia Vikander and Michael Fassbender are probably still doing it – Lainey Gossip

Kosmopolitan has gone from telling you how to have a 15-minute orgasm to making you heave for 15 minutes by calling the Kartrashians America’s First Family  – Celebitchy

The Porn Iguana and Doug Hutchinson’s rotten potato-looking ass are proving their undying love for each other attention by renewing their vows – Reality Tea 

An ice cube sucks on an ice cube in Interview MagazineDrunken Stepfather

I don’t really see the Hammaconda in any of these pictures. I’m guessing it’s hiding because it’s embarrassed by those shorts – The Superficial 

As expected, DJ Tanner was very loving and understanding when talking about Danny Pintauro being HIV positive. But more importantly, Danny Pintauro used to work at P.F. Chang’s! Why am I just finding out about this now? I could’ve enjoyed a plate of Mongolian Beef while staring at Mona Robinson’s grandson – Towleroad

Yolanda Foster’s modeling child thinks Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad is about girl power and not cattiness. I guess nobody told her what “Bad Blood” is about – IDLYITW

Vanessa Hudgens is dressed like an American Apparel grandma and it might be the most “normal” outfit I’ve seen her in ever – Popoholic

Why is Kate Upton wearing one of Mr. Furley’s jumpsuits? – Hollywood Tuna 

ICYMI: The soft peen that made a cameo appearance during The Affair last night – Jezebel

I don’t know who this is, but he has a butt and is showing it off and that’s all we need to know – (NSFW for butt) OMG Blog

Jason Momoa and Emilia Clarke reunited – Pajiba

That shirt Kendra Wilkinson’s wearing: I want it – WWTDD

That paper towel is laced with meth, right? – The Berry 

And let’s end with Orlando Bloom’s nipples – Popsugar



Claire Danes Doesn’t Really Regret The Whole “Billy Crudup Leaving A Pregnant Mary-Louise Parker For Her” Thing

October 5, 2015 / Posted by:

All the way back in 2003, Claire Danes got her star on the Home Wreckers Walk of Fame when Billy Crudup dumped a knocked-up Mary-Louise Parker to be with her. At the time, Mary-Louise Parker was 7 months pregnant with Billy Crudup’s baby, so the ESCANDALO alarm was rung several times. Billy Crudup got dragged because he was the cold-hearted gaping asshole who left his pregnant girlfriend of 8 years for another piece. Claire Danes got dragged because she was the hussy harlot who got with a taken dude. Claire was on Howard Stern’s SiriusXM radio show this morning to promote Homeland, and Howard brought up the messiness that was her relationship with Billy. Claire sort of shrugged it off in a “shit happens” kind of way:

Howard: When you decided to date the guy you acted with in the play, Billy Crudup. Alright, he was a married guy and just had a kid, and you start dating him. Of course, he’s getting shit for it and all that. Is that such a scary thing because people are judging you?

Claire: Yeah, that was a scary thing. That was really hard.

Howard: When you go through something like that, are you thinking of your career? Are you like, “What am I doing?” Because people are so goddamn judgmental and all of this stuff?

Claire: Yeah, I don’t know. I didn’t know how to not do that. I was just in love with him and needed to explore that. And I was 24, didn’t quite know what those consequences might be.

Howard: Yeah, you never do know.

Claire: Yeah, you never know, but you know, it’s okay. I went through it. We’re friendly. We’re friends! I mean, yeah.

The hell kind of response is that? Claire Danes is so strong for getting through that. I don’t think Claire Danes needs to pull out one of her signature cries or anything, but it seems like she’s trying to act like she cares when she doesn’t really give a fuck. She also pulled those excuses out of her asshole. First of all, most 24-year-olds are way past that “I’m so sweet and naive and don’t know anything” phase and it sounds like she was dickmatized. When she said, “Needed to explore that,” I heard, “Needed to explore that dick!” So if Claire’s going to talk about it, she just needs to keep it all the way real by saying, “Listen, the dick was good and I wanted that dick all the time until I got bored with it and got me some new dick. The end. NEXT!

Here’s Claire outside of SiriusXM’s studios this morning.

Pics: Splash


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