Archives: October 2015

Apparently Hillary Clinton Does A Pretty Good Donald Trump

October 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Then again, it’s not exactly hard. You just squint your eyes, react to every question as if you caught a whiff of a stinky steak fart, and call everyone a “LEW-sur.” But Hillary Clinton is doing the future presidential hustle, so it’s not surprising that she yanked at Donald Trump’s stale cotton candy weave on SNL last night.

Just like the last time she was trying to tip-toe into the White House, Hillary Clinton made a surprise appearance in a sketch about Hillary Clinton (played by Kate McKinnon), but this time she didn’t play herself. She played a bartender named Val, who…was pretty much just Hillary Clinton. Still, it wasn’t the worst. Especially when Hillary vanishes at the end and leaves nothing but a “hard tan business shoe” behind.

Plus she got in a sloppy impression of Donald Trump, and that’s never a bad thing. Donald Trump impressions are like pizza and sex; even when they’re bad, they’re still pretty good. It was actually the second one of the night; the show opened with Taran Killam and Cecily Strong as Donald and his gorgeous wife Melania Trump. But we won’t talk about that, because I’m still sore over how dirty they did Melania (the impression is NOTHING unless you commit 100% to Melania’s squinty-eyed frozen-faced glamour).

Obviously, the best part was the return of Darrell Hammond as Bill Clinton at the 3:50 mark. I actually would have loved if the camera followed him out of the bar. Where did Bill go? That’s the sketch I want to see! What am I saying? Bill totally went to Hooters.

So, This Was A Thing That Happened Last Night…

October 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Don’t worry, that giant hair clog you fished out of the shower drain didn’t come to life; it’s actually Miley Cyrus just looking like one while performing on Saturday Night Live last night. Everybody’s favorite hollerin’ high-billy was the host of the 41st season premiere of SNL and – this will be shocking to absolutely no one – Miley went full Miley. Sorry, that’s not technically true; she didn’t “accidentally” flash her nipples or rub her pickled pork rinds against the Weekend Update desk. But she did look a mess and brag about smoking ~so much~ weed like your badass 14 year old cousin, so that’s just about full Miley to me.

In case you missed it (“I wouldn’t say I missed it” said everyone), the Moonshine Princess sang two songs off her Miley Cyrus & Her Dead Petz album, the first of which she performed while dressed in some home-made “Cousin Itt at Burning Man” couture. You can watch that here, but I will warn you: you will feel very itchy.

She also opened the show in one your granny’s old Easter Sunday cast-offs and sang about all the Rachel Dolezals and Lion-Hunting Dentists we met over the summer.

Damn, Aidy Bryant does a better Kim Davis than Kim Davis. Speaking of, I’m sure that delusional bitch has already sent out a blast mail from her GeoCities account to all her friends letting them know that she was totally invited to SNL last night.

Of course, it wasn’t all Miley (despite her best efforts); SNL also came for Taylor Swift’s chronic friend collecting. Well, there goes Mango’s chance of ever being please welcome to the stage‘d by Tay Tay. Lorne Michaels, how could you? You know he would have loved that.

In case your eyes haven’t seen enough of Miley looking like drugs farted on high-fructose corn syrup, here’s Miley wearing the contents of my favorite sticker book from third grade at the SNL afterparty:

Pics: NBCSplash/INF

Hot Slut Of The Day!

October 4, 2015 / Posted by:

The iconic black and white bow dress that Kelly and Brenda wore their junior year to the Spring Dance in season 1 of Beverly Hills, 90210!

25 years ago today, the first episode of The Brenda Walsh Hour of Extravaganza (aka Beverly Hills, 90210) aired and it introduced us youngins, who had never seen Little House on the Prairie or Heathers, to the bad bitch greatness of Shannen Doherty! Beverly Hills, 90210 turns 25 today (which means all of us are old bitches and it’s only a matter of time before our bones turn to dust) and Lifetime did the show wrong on the eve of its birthday by spitting all over its beautiful memory.

Lifetime aired the Unauthorized Beverly Hills, 90210 movie last night and I had hoped they’d give us some juicy messiness, but they didn’t give us that. Everything I knew about 90210 was in Lifetime’s movie. They didn’t give any new information! Instead of doing a 90210 movie, they should’ve done a Shannen Doherty biopic. Because 95% of their 90210 movie was about Shannen’s bad bitch antics and it ended with her leaving the show. They didn’t even bother showing what happened after Shannen Doherty left, and I do agree with that decision, because who cares about a post-Brenda 90210?

The 90210 movie was filled with many inaccuracies, but the most offensive one was their screw-up of the legendary Spring Dance dress. One of the most iconic moments in Beverly Hills, 90210 history was when that jealous piece of boiled limp asparagus Kelly Taylor wore the exact same Spring Dance dress as Brenda Walsh. Kelly looked like a bratty little girl playing dress up while Brenda Walsh gave us “50-something Republican First Lady” glamour.

Anyway, Lifetime’s movie featured the filming of the Spring Dance, but they messed up an extremely important fact. In their version, Kelly Taylor and Brenda Walsh wear different colors of the same dress. I mean, what in the hell is this? (Side note: Cousin Emily from the 90210 reboot played Jennie Garth in the Lifetime movie and she should really get a DNA test, because there’s a 100% chance that she’s the secret daughter that Jennie Garth gave up years ago. They’re twins.)


I get that Lifetime probably couldn’t recreate the same exact dress that Kelly and Brenda wore in the original, because I’m sure that dress design has been trademarked and is currently the headlining piece at the Smithsonian. But they should’ve at least made Kelly and Brenda wear identical dresses in the same color. I mean, how can I believe anything in that 90210 movie when they mess up one of the most important details? That’s like making a movie about the Civil War and changing the Gettysburg Address to the Jersey City Address. The government should charge Lifetime with treason for messing that up. Oh, Lifetime, I hate you, never talk to me again! 

But I will forgive Lifetime if they make a Shannen Doherty biopic starring Shannen Doherty. It’s clear that’s what the world wants and needs right now. And on that note, Happy 90210 Day, everyone!


Birthday Sluts

October 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Susan Sarandon (69)
Dakota Johnson (26)
Kimmie Meisner (26)
Lil Mama (26)
Rich Homie Quan (26)
Melissa Benoist (27)
Lena Katina, formerly of t.A.T.u. (31)
Rachael Leigh Cook (36)
Alicia Silverstone (39)
Liev Schreiber (48)
John Melendez (50)
Micky Ward (50)
Jon Secada (54)
Chris Lowe (56)
Ned Luke (57)
Bill Fagerbakke (58)
Russell Simmons (58)
Christoph Waltz (59)
Tcheky Karyo (62)
Armand Assante (66)
Stephen Gyllenhaal (66)
Brynn Thayer (66)
Linda McMahon (67)
Anne Rice (74)
Jackie Collins (1937-2015)

Pic: HDI


Open Post: Hosted By Jared Leto Looking Like A Fashion Fever Dream

October 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Looking hot’s arch nemesis Jared Leto is currently in Paris for Paris Fashion Week. And because Jared Leto is an artsy type who loves couture and looking a mess, he decided to stroll down la rue wearing what can only be described as what happens when fashion gets a rough case of food poisoning after eating some questionable buffet shrimp. I see a cape blanket thing, I see a tie-dye t-shirt, I see leggings, I see random zippers, I see more colors than an acid trip. I also see some greasy bubblegum pink Manic Panic hair buffoonery on the head of a 43 year old man, but I love my brain too much to start questioning why that is happening.

But back to that outfit. Suicide Squad wrapped filming back in August, so I have no idea why Jared Leto is still dressing like The Joker. Actually, no. The Joker wouldn’t. This is more like The Joker’s younger brother, The Jester (spelled Jesstyr, of course), who dropped out of Gotham Villain School to become an aspiring stylist in whatever Gotham’s version of Brooklyn is. I’m joking, but we all know that if when Hollywood decides to reboot Suicide Squad four years from now for the Instagram generation, that will totally be the plot.

Pics: Splash


Happy Amber Rose SlutWalk Day, Everybody!

October 3, 2015 / Posted by:

If you’re a ho (or a ho at heart) who woke up with a little extra pep in your step this morning, this would be the reason why. The Amber Rose SlutWalk was held in downtown Los Angeles earlier today by proud slut type Amber Rose to celebrate a slut’s choice to be a shameless tramp. Well, technically it’s a walk to fight against “sexual injustice, victim blaming, derogatory labeling and gender inequality” according to the Amber Rose SlutWalk website. But I can’t imagine she’d have a problem with my description of it, because there’s no shame in the tramp game.

To be completely honest, I am SHOCKED that this is what Amber Rose wore to the SlutWalk. This is downright demure compared to Amber Rose’s usual wardrobe. I was fully expecting her to march through the streets wearing nothing but a set of nipple pasties and a g-string made from a single piece of dental floss. Although I can’t totally hate on that black satin slip thing, because it looks like something Vampirella would wear to her great uncle’s funeral after her friends assured her it was modest enough, and that’s a pretty good look.

Of course, if seeing Amber Rose dressed in her boudoir best isn’t enough to warm your heart, please enjoy this picture of Amber Rose’s mama ripping a hot slutty fart all over Kanye West.


In case you’ve forgotten, “Fuck yo 30 showers” is a reference to the time Kanye hissed that he had to take 30 showers after he left Amber and got with Kim Kardashian. Sadly, Amber’s mom’s message will never reach Kanye, since Kanye’s assistant Kim will no doubt keep getting distracted by the exclamation point every time she tries to read it (“It’s my favorite cause it looks like a dick!“).

Here’s more of Amber Rose at the Amber Rose SlutWalk. Also, Nick Cannon was there. Sure, why not.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

Robin Williams’ Family Is Done Fighting Over His Estate

October 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Eight months ago, Robin Williams’ kids found themselves in a truly awkward position after their stepmother (and Robin Williams’ wife of three years) Susan Williams started getting greedy and trying to grab more money from their part of their father’s will. At the time, Susan was pulling an “I don’t know them” every time Zachary, Zelda, and Cody Williams pulled up to the front gate to collect the stuff their dad left to them in his will, which is always a classy move. Well, eight months later, Page Six says that Susan and the Williams kids have finally reached a settlement.

According to Susan’s lawyer, Susan gets to keep the San Francisco Bay Area home that she shared with Robin and will get enough money to maintain the house for the rest of her life. No word on whether that’s Swiffer cloth cash or a full-time housekeeper cash, but I’m assuming it’s the latter. Susan also gets one of Robin’s watches, a bike they bought on their honeymoon, and all their wedding presents. Somewhere in a home in the San Francisco Bay Area, Susan’s lawyer is Photoshopping the words “$16.8 million dollars, Item No. 4528L” onto a Crate & Barrel gift receipt.

Page Six says both sides are happy with the outcome of the settlement, and the only thing left is for a judge to give it the OK. Zachary, Zelda, and Cody’s lawyer adds: “I think they’re just very happy to have this behind them.” I’d like to think that was shade, but it’s probably just the truth.

So there we go. The ghost of Robin Williams can finally sleep peacefully at night knowing his family isn’t fighting over petty shit anymore. Now he can start focusing on more important things, like reenacting episodes of Mork & Mindy with the ghost of Jonathan Winters for the angels in Heaven (please don’t try to convince me that’s not what he’s doing, it’s what I want to believe).

Pic: Splash


Scott Disick Has A New Girlfriend And She’s An 18 Year Old Model

October 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, this is…something. 32 year old father of three Scott Disick, seen above using his arms to show how big of a douchebag Scott Disick is, is apparently chasing his dead relationship with the least fame whorey (I CANNOT believe I just typed that) Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, with an 18 year old girlfriend. “Oh Scott, I knew you’d step up to the plate and give us something good to work with for the next season of KUWTK” cooed Scott’s former pimp-in-law Kris Jenner.

TMZ says Scott’s new girlfriend is a recently-legal blonde model from Canada named Lindsay Vrckovnik. They’re currently hanging out in Florida, because that’s what you do when you’re a 32 year old man who doesn’t have a job, I guess. TMZ has pictures of Scott and his new girlfriend frolicking on the beach, if that’s something you want to see.

I know there are grosser things than a 32 year old dating an 18 year old, but let’s put it into perspective. Scott’s new piece was 13 when his first kid was born. Scott was 14 when his girlfriend was born. Most importantly, Scott’s new girlfriend was barely a year old when Spice World was released. I mean, how the fuck do you relate to someone who wasn’t around when Spice World came out?

On the up side, Scott now has someone who will be there waiting in his hotel room to clean his ass up when he comes home drunk from the club, since his current girlfriend isn’t old enough to get in.

Speaking of 18 year olds who are dating grown-ass adult men with kids, here’s Scott’s former sister in law Kylie Jenner leaving a studio in Los Angeles yesterday.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

Xander From Buffy Got Arrested Again

October 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Yes, Nicholas Brendon, aka Xander from Buffy, got arrested again, but this time it wasn’t for being a drunk mess at a Comic-Con. It’s actually for something a lot more sad. According to People, Nicholas Brendon was arrested on Wednesday night in Saratoga Springs, New York for choking out his girlfriend. Giles, drop whatever dusty book you’re reading and come get Xander.

Saratoga Springs police say they got a call around 11:30pm on Wednesday night about a domestic at a motel. When they arrived, they found a 33-year-old woman who said Nicholas got into it with her shortly after she tried to drop off some of his shit. She claims that when she tried to leave, Xander grabbed her car keys and smashed her phone. Then he got all ragey and allegedly started choking her before fleeing the scene. People says he was found a few blocks away and was arrested. UsWeekly adds that police told them “alcohol was involved” in the incident.

Nicholas Brendon has been charged with two counts of criminal mischief, one count of obstruction of breathing (which is the fancy law way of saying choking someone, I guess), and robbery in the third degree.

In case you’re keeping a tally, this is Nicholas Brendon’s fourth arrest in the past 12 months. The last time we heard from him, he had checked himself into rehab and was asking TV doctors to help him battle his demons. But as any of you who watch Dr. Phil know (not that that’s something you’d admit to, I know), Nicholas recently slapped at one of the hands trying to help him out by walking off a recent episode. So…he’s in a pretty shitty place. Once again, Giles – please come get Xander. Or anyone, really. At this point, I’d be ok with Dawn. Dawn, make yourself useful and come get Xander.

Pic: Saratoga Springs Police Department

Hot Slut Of The Day!

October 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Mark Davis, the owner and managing general partner of the Oakland Raiders, and more importantly, the owner of a stunningly gorgeous ginger bowl haircut that was sent from the heavens to make the world a more beautiful place!

Mark Davis became the owner of the Oakland Raiders when his father died and he’s worth around half a billion dollars. Even though Mark Davis has money oozing out of his pores, he drives a 1997 Dodge Caravan, his minivan has a vanity plate that reads “R8HERS,” he carries a 12-year-old Nokia cell phone, he calls P.F. Chang’s one of his favorite restaurants, he wears a white fanny pack and he loves his exquisite haircut so much that he travels 500 miles to get it. This adonis is everything in a ginger hair bowl. I am in love and I’m mostly in love with that “Friar Tuck in Dumb and Dumber” haircut.

You’d think that angels travel from heaven to cut Mark Davis’ ethereal hair with a bowl and scissors made of solid gold, but a mere mortal actually styles that hair. In an amazing profile for ESPN The Magazine, Mark says that the artiste who cuts his hair is in Palm Desert, CA, which is 500 miles from Mark’s home. But traveling that far is absolutely worth it. Every time he goes to get his haircut, he sings, “I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more, to be the man who has a bowl haircut that makes hos fall on the floor.

Davis travels to Palm Desert to get it cut, just as he traveled to Chico from Oakland to visit a preferred barber long after he left college at Chico State. “I think he’s had three barbers since college,” [former Raiders wideout Cliff] Branch says. “If he likes something, he stays loyal.”

And who wouldn’t stay loyal to that hairstyle? Mark Davis is what you’d get if you morphed all of the Three Stooges together, and that is beyond the look. Dude is Rojo Caliente II.

Pics: AP, Getty


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