Q: How can you make my favorite state Florida a thousand times crazier?
A: Inject some Tom Cruise into it!
Floridians better curb their glibness, because the Prince of Scientology may become a full-time citizen of their land. Tommy is currently trying to sell his 10,000 square foot Beverly Hills mansion on the down low for $50 million. So if you have $50 million and you’re looking for a mansion that’s got an underground cell for your prison bride and an enormous shoe closet to house all of your high heels in, look no more. But Tommy isn’t looking for another mansion in Los Angeles. A source tells UsWeekly that he wants to live closer to Scientology’s headquarters in Clearwater, FL.
“Tom hates living in L.A. and is relocating to Florida,” a source reveals in the new issue of Us Weekly. “He thinks all the people in Hollywood are fake.”
The Scientologist, 53, who listed his Beverly Hills mansion for $59 million, is also looking forward to being closer to his church’s headquarters in Clearwater, Fla. Fellow believer John Travolta “loves his life there and inspired Tom,” says the source. “He was ready to go.”
Tommy does have a point. People in Hollywood are really fake and I bet even their Thetans are filled with Botox and silicone. It’s best that he goes off to Florida to be with real, sane people who believe in real things like an intergalactic dictator who ruled a space confederacy 75 million years ago and brought his billions of followers to earth so he could stack them around volcanoes and kill them with hydrogen bombs. Real stuff like that.
And honestly, if Tommy Girl moves to Florida, I’m sure the state’s production of authentic fuckery will drop by a huge percentage. Because all of the gator fuckers, meth heads and beautiful messes are going to throw up their hands and say, “There goes the neighborhood,” before moving to another state.
Seen above on the cover of NME looking like a young, blond and stoned David Cassidy in Fergie Ferg drag, Taylor Swift tells the magazine that she filed a new lesson into her brain after the little Twitter “dust-up” she had with Nicki Minaj over the MTV VMA nominations. Yes, I’m still talking about it and in 40 years when we’re all in the retirement home waiting for our nurses to finish rolling us a Metamucil-infused joint, I’m going to tell you about the new riveting expose I read in AARP about the 2015 Twitter feud between Taylor Swift Bieber Trump Zuckerberg and Onika Minaj Graham. We’re going to hear about this for the rest of our days.
Two Februarys ago, everyone (including our asshole asses) spread the story that Selena Gomez had spent two weeks in The Meadows, a rehab place in Arizona, to deal with all sorts of shit including an addiction to booze, Ambien, weed and Bieber dick. The story was that Selena needed to get herself together and cleanse her soul after spending so much time with Justin Bieber and his gang of dried taint scabs. Selena’s abuelo later said that she has lupus and was in treatment for that. Selena hasn’t talked about it until her newest interview with Billboard. Selena is screaming, “I have lupus, you assholes, and shut the hell up, Dr. House, I know what you’re going to say next.”
Selena tells Billboard that she wanted to verbally throat punch all the pieces of trash who said that she took a break for rehab, because she really took a break to treat her lupus with chemotherapy.
“I was diagnosed with lupus, and I’ve been through chemotherapy. That’s what my break was really about. I could’ve had a stroke. I wanted so badly to say, ‘You guys have no idea. I’m in chemotherapy. You’re assholes.’ I locked myself away until I was confident and comfortable again.”
When the wrong story made the rounds, Selena felt bad, because she didn’t think she deserved that kind of treatment. She’s a nice person! She’s a UNICEF ambassador! She doesn’t deserve to be gossiped about like that! Selena’s quotes gave me light shades of Angelea’s unforgettable “Bitch, I worked at a bank” monologue from America’s Next Top Model.
“I’m so fucking nice to everybody, and everyone is so vile to me. I’ve been working since I was 7. I’ve been a UNICEF ambassador since I was 17. It’s so disappointing that I’ve become a tabloid story. The hate motivated me.”
Selena says that all the shit-talking and hate took her music to places it’s never been before. Hmmmm, so if her new album is a huge hit, all of us who passed around that story and talked a lot of shit should get a cut of its profits. E-mail us for our PayPal info, Selena! But seriously, Selena may not have gone to rehab, but I probably should go. Because I had an early morning nightmare where I was dancing to Justin Bieber’s “What Do You Mean?” and I had a smile on my face. That nightmare is my self-conscious’ way of telling me, “GET HELP.”
One cop got to live out a piece of your wet dream fantasy last June when they handcuffed John Stamos, only it wasn’t sexy at all. We all thought that Stephanie Tanner was the worst driver in the Full House cast when her dumbass crashed Joey’s car into the kitchen, but Uncle Jesse took that title when he was arrested for DUI in Beverly Hills.
John Stamos was pulled over on the night of June 12th after several people called 911 to report that his silver Mercedes was swerving all over the place. Strangely enough, the cops didn’t find out that John was swerving all over the place because he was having a foursome with three chicks in the front seat of his car. (That’s how he usually spends his Friday nights, right?) John was messed up and he was so out of it that he had to be taken to the hospital.
TMZ says that the Los Angeles District Attorney will charge John Stamos with DUI. John was allegedly under the influence of a non-narcotic drug and GHB, better known as the date rape drug to you and me. A source close to John Stamos (Hi, Uncle Jesse’s publicist!) tells TMZ that he wasn’t roofied and he wasn’t taking it to get high. John was using GHB as a fitness supplement to “lean out body mass,” so he could be body hot-ready for Fuller House. Apparently, many bodybuilders use it, as did ravers back in the day. And here I was thinking that John Stamos’ hotness came from good genes and eating Greek yogurt.
John checked into 30-day rehab shortly after he was busted.
I honestly didn’t know that GHB is used as a fitness supplement until I read this story this morning. You know who else just found that out? Bill Cosby. Because he just announced that he’s finally retiring from show business and is going to pursue a job as a full-time supplement consultant at a Curves gym.
…..and Mike Huckabee never called Uber again – Texndoc
My other car is a Furrari – TheGrandWaz00
Liz Taylor (as played by Denis O’Hare) from American Horror Story: Hotel.
I don’t even know why tricks check into that hotel on AHS: Hotel, because as soon as Kathy Bates told me they don’t have WiFi, my rolling luggage and I would’ve changed course and headed straight for the nearest Comfort Inn Suites while calling the Better Business Bureau to report that stone age dump for not providing Internet access in 2015. WiFi is a RIGHT not a privilege. You know how in horror movies when dumb bitch characters do stupid shit like run up to the second floor instead of out the front door when the murderer is chasing them? Checking into a giant hotel with no WiFi is the same stupid ass move. Nothing good can come from that. And now that I’ve gotten that out of the way…
American Horror Story: No WiFi premiered last night and to me, it was like The Hunger wrapped in The Shining wrapped in a really long Lady CaCa video and topped with a good old-fashioned drill bit dildo ass rape scene. Lady Gaga didn’t talk that much in the first episode and they should’ve kept it that way, because what came out of her mouth was the real horror story. It’s like Madge’s fake ass British accent and an old-timey movie accent fucked in her mouth. She rolled out a vaguely European accent that let us know that she’s a serious ACK-TORR now! But two things made up for Gaga’s accent: Matt Boner’s ass and Denis O’Hare.
Denis O’Hare (more like Denis No’Hair) plays Liz Taylor and in the few scenes he was in, he proved to me that he should’ve played Elizabeth Taylor in Lifetime’s Liz & Dick movie. He could’ve played both roles actually. Liz Taylor is sort of like a queen-of-all-trades of the hotel, but her main job is to provide glamour and hotness. The malnourished James St. James is lightly sprinkled throughout the first episode, but Denis promises the season will have heaping amounts of Liz Taylor in it including a “beautiful” love scene. I hope that means there will be a scene of him gently brushing Matt Boner’s locks while he’s done up as Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra and Boner is done up as Richard Burton as Mark Antony. That would be an American dream story.
Sigourney Weaver (65)
Bella Thorne (18)
Angus T. Jones (22)
Barbara Palvin (22)
Molly Quinn (22)
Bruno Mars (30)
Nick Cannon (35)
Mike “The Miz” Mizanin (35)
Kristanna Loken (36)
Martin Henderson (41)
Matt Damon (45)
Soon-Yi Previn (45)
Jeremy Davies (46)
Emily Procter (47)
Karyn Parsons (49)
C.J. Ramone (50)
CeCe Winans (51)
Stephanie Zimbalist (59)
Darrell Hammond (60)
Robert “Kool” Bell (65)
Sarah Purcell (67)
Chevy Chase (72)
R.L. Stine (72)
Jesse Jackson (74)
Paul Hogan (76)
Rona Barrett (79)
Pic: Helmut Newton
Zoe Kravitz lounged around and ate ice cream and chicken for Wonderland Magazine – Drunken Stepfather
Goopy Paltrow doesn’t think that anybody in Hollywood should be making Robert Downey Jr. money. Um, Goopy is wrong again. Gina Gershon should be making RDJ money for her role in Showgirls alone – Celebitchy
NBC’s PR department, I mean, “UsWeekly’s source,” wants us to think that Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton are bumping fuck parts – The Superficial
Nobody wants to buy Backdoor Farrah’s DNA. But I wouldn’t be surprised if America’s enemies bought it all to create an army of brain-dead butt zombies that will destroy us all – Reality Tea
Aw, tis the seasons when famous-ish tricks like Ashley Benson try to get attention by wearing a HIGHLY OFFENSIVE Halloween costume – IDLYITW
Disneyland kicked out a gay dude for not being covered up enough. Disneyland better kick out Donald Duck too, because that ho doesn’t even wear pants! – Towleroad
Work that construction netting skirt, Lily Donaldson! – Hollywood Tuna
Hmmm….I wonder what gross nasty piece of trash touched Lance Bass wrong during the early days of *NYSNC? I’m guessing the creep’s name rhymes with Who Hurlman – Jezebel
Daniel Craig would rather break a drinking glass and slash his wrists with it than do another James Bond movie. You know, that comment is pretty street – Pajiba
The voice of the next Disney princess has been found – The Berry
Miranda Kerr, take off that damn jacket, you’re not Daniel Boone – Popoholic
Steve-O’s Sea World stunt got him 30 days in the clink – HuffPo
This is what Boo Boo Kitty’s engagement ring looks like – Popsugar
Carey Mulligan had a secret baby that I’m sure she and Marcus Mumford named Banjo Fennel Mumford – Just Jared
The only thing the Internet knows about this funny video is that it went down in North Carolina, the two chicks fighting are sisters, at least one of them is drunk and they’re raft guides for Big Creek Expeditions. Who knows why the girl in the sunglasses didn’t try to break those messes up by hitting them with her paddle and who knows why that girl pinned underneath them also did nothing.
You know what, though, if was the one in the glasses I would’ve pulled that raft over and made those two murder each other’s faces in the woods. I wouldn’t want to get blood and guts on my damn raft! But I guess there’s no breaking up the powerful bond between siblings.
Since the Internet does nothing but lie to us and play with our emotions, don’t be surprised when this turns out to be viral marketing for Oxygen’s newest show Bad Girls Rafting Club.
And if you’re starting a band and your brain hasn’t spit up any name ideas, it’s your lucky day! Take your pick between “Drunk Bimbo Sisters Gone Wild” and “Nanatahala Gorge Beatdown.”
Almost 5 years ago, Canada heroically saved the lives of Randy and Evi Quaid from a murderous mafia known as the Star Whackers who had killed Heath Ledger and David Carradine and were coming after them next! (No, I don’t know why a bunch of star murderers would want to murder Randy Quaid, but that’s his story.) Evi, whose dad is Canadian, became a citizen and filed papers to sponsor Randy’s citizenship. Everything was maple syrup kisses and poutine dreams until today. Randy Quaid was arrested in Montreal today and he could be deported back to California. That screeching sound you hear is Dennis Quaid driving a U-Haul full of his family and shit from California to Mexico.