Dear Scrooge, Cruella de Vil and Captain Hook, please get on your knees and immediately worship at the evil feet of your new villainess hero.
Jennifer Connell has sued her 12-year-old nephew for causing her to break her wrist by hugging her a little too excitedly at his 8th birthday party. I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or slow clap for her dark-hearted evil ways. But I do know that the next time I’m at a family party and I’m not in the mood for hugs from my relatives, I’ll just show them this story as a warning that their hug can lead me to me breaking my wrist which can lead to them having to sell their internal organs on the black market to pay me.
Forbes named Jennifer Lawrence the highest-paid actress in the world and claimed that she has made $52 million this year, but she still makes less than the dude movie stars who are at the same level as her. In Lena Dunham’s newsletter Lenny, JLaw writes that she didn’t really open her eyes about the gender wage gap until the Sony hack. The Sony hack showed that both Amy Adams and Jennifer Lawrence made less than Bradley Cooper, Christian Bale and Jeremy Renner for American Hustle. Amy and JLaw got 7% of the back end and the dudes got 9%. Amy Pascal, Sony’s former co-chair, responded to Amy and JLaw making less by saying that if someone wants to work for less money, she’s going to let them work for less money, because it’s business. Amy said that if women want to make more, they have to demand more. Jennifer Lawrence is taking her advice.
NBC announced that angry clump of guinea pig hair Donald Trump will host an entire episode of Saturday Night Live on November 7th. Remember a few months ago when NBC dumped Trump because of the shit he said about Mexican immigrants? It’s nice to see that the Peacock has shoved its tongue up Trump’s b-hole again for the sake of a ratings stunt. That’s the bad news (or the BEST news if you are a fuckery lover like me). The worst news is that the musical guest for that episode isn’t the graceful swan Melania Trump. I would fully embrace a Trump-hosted SNL if the musical guest was Melania Trump and she just emoted and cooed for 5 minutes straight. The musical guest will be Sia. I hope they trade hair for the night. via The Wrap
The appearance will actually mark the second hosting stint on the late-night show for Trump, who also held down hosting duties on April 3, 2004.
The musical guest for the episode will be Sia, who’s preparing to release her new album “This Is Acting,” which features the single “Alive.”
Please tell me that Donald Trump will announce on Saturday Night Live that his entire campaign has been a really elaborate marketing stunt to promote his episode. But really, Trump hosting SNL is redundant since his entire campaign so far has been one long skit. Exhibit: A
Playboy really should’ve shut down after this issue, because it was never able to reach this level of refined sophistication again.
Last night, The New York Times reported some sad news for everyone who christened their fapping hand by doing themselves for the first time while looking at a Playboy they stole from their dad or brother. (Side note: I don’t know if JcPenney makes those huge catalogs anymore, but if they do and they still have a dude underwear section in it, I’ll be extra sad if they ever get rid of it. That was my first fap material.) Playboy announced that after decades of showing chichis and chocha, they are no longer going to put naked women in their magazine. This news made half of the Internet shrug since lady nipples are a click away and made the other half of the Internet Google “What is a magazine?”
I know, it’s always too early in the day, the week, the month, the year and the century to read the words “Lil Wayne,” “sex tape” and “leaks” in one sentence.
Last month, TMZ reported that a fuck tape starring the fertile goblin and two strippers was put up on the sale block. Lil Wayne’s lawyers immediately threatened to sue any trick who put out that mess. Well, in news that’ll make your genitals do the opposite of “leak,” a clip of the supposed sex tape leaked online. The site Diary of a Hollywood Street King threw up the clip and the site writes that they “may or may not have gotten” it from the camp of Wayne’s one-time collaborator and current arch rival Birdman.
The tape must have been shot on a turnip (not even a potato), because it’s grainy as all hell. (NSFW, duh) The clip shows Maybe Wayne lying on a bed, in what looks like a Motel 6, while two chicks do all the work. What really made me want to inject antibiotics into my eyeballs is something that doesn’t happen at all in the clip. The dude never wraps up his peen and does it raw dog-style. Dude wrapped up his feet (he’s keeping it all the way classy by wearing socks), but didn’t wrap up that dick. See, that’s one big reason why I’m wondering if that really is Lil Wayne in the clip. I mean, if it was Wayne, I’d think that as soon as the chick sat on that unwrapped peen, her uterus would find a way to push that dick out while thinking to itself, “Nope, not going to house a Weezy fetus this lifetime. Not going to do it.”
So I don’t know, but Lil Wayne’s ex-piece and hip hop ho extraordinaire Karrine “Superhead” Steffans seems to think to think it’s him. In between fighting with Lil Wayne’s fans, Superhead reviewed the clip on Twitter and she believes it’s him, because she recognizes the dry boredom of it all:
Chile…that @LilTunechi sex tape is so dry. Brought flash backs of texting and looking at the ceiling in missionary for 8 years. Sigh.
— Karrine & Co.® (@karrineandco) October 12, 2015
Anywho, I hope no one else sees this tape in its entirety. It's an illegal recording and a violation. And it's dry. Dry. Dry. Dry.
— Karrine & Co.® (@karrineandco) October 12, 2015
Oh, Superhead. She’s like the Siskel & Ebert of celebrity sex tape reviewers. And she obviously gives this one two dry coochies.
Monsanto presents: Splendor in the GMO Grass. – The Green Bastard
I’m pretty sure this is how Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris have “sex.” – ThirdLaw
Paula Nichols from Dance Academy, the perfect 80s jewel that I never knew existed.
How in the HELL did I live through the 80s without seeing this masterpiece that looks like what you’d find if you opened up the chest of the 80s? I saw this clip at Everything Is Terrible last night and I pissed pure AquaNet for hours and threw up Crystal Pepsi. It’s that 80s.
No, I haven’t seen this brilliant piece of cinema yet, but based on the synopsis from IMDB, it sounds like it has all the ingredients for an absolutely perfect 80s dance movie. It’s a little bit of Footloose, a little bit of Fame and a little bit of Flashdance and it stars Julie Newmar as the manager of the dance school. Also, a dude gets ENTRANCED in it. It sounds like it’s every kind if right.
Blue-collar worker Vince stumbles into a dance school, where he quickly becomes entranced by the music. Miss McKenzie, the school’s manager and former owner, is about to throw him out on his ear when Moon, the school’s rebellious new jazz instructor, vouches for him. Although the school’s new owner has insisted on bringing in Moon as a teacher, Miss McKenzie absolutely hates him and the influence of his modern music, and will stop at nothing to see him (and Vince) thrown out for good.
And Paula Nichols plays Moon’s girlfriend who sings a magical song that makes everyone dance like they’ve just snorted a mountain of coke. This clip will put so many questions into your head, but just swat them away for now and get into 80s hotness of it all.
See. A million questions: Why isn’t that lady in the white coat entranced by the beat? Why is that guy at the end covered in blood? Is it from his moves murdering thet beat? How many different kinds of drugs are these messes on? Shouldn’t Paula be ruling The Labyrinth instead of singing this hot song for a bunch of coked up dancers? I don’t need the answer to any of those questions, because it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that this exists.
Dance Academy is on YouTube in its entirety, so if you’re uneducated like me, take the rest of the day off and watch it. Just tell your boss, “I’m going home to watch Dance Academy, because I’ve never seen it,” and I’m sure they’ll understand. Education always comes first.
Sacha Baron Cohen (44)
Noah Crawford (21)
Ian Thorpe (33)
Kele Okereke (34)
Billy Bush (44)
Serena Altschul (45)
Paul Potts (45)
Nancy Kerrigan (46)
Tisha Campbell-Martin (47)
Kate Walsh (48)
Kelly Preston (53)
Jerry Rice (53)
Joey Belladonna (55)
Marie Osmond (56)
Chris Carter (58)
Beverly Johnson (63)
Sammy Hagar (68)
Paul Simon (74)
Melinda Dillon (76)
Nana Mouskouri (81)
Leonardo DiCatchAHo and his latest piece Kelly RorSomethingOrAnother hung out with his family this weekend. You know, Kelly should really wear a name tag that says “Hello, My Name Is Kelly,” because every time one of his family members talk to her, they probably say, “So Bar, I mean Erin, I mean Toni, I mean, oh fuckit.” – Lainey Gossip
Chrissy Teigen tweeted this tonight: “John and I are so happy to announce that we are pregnant.” Congrats! I can’t wait to see John Legend work his “baby bump” on Instagram – Just Jared
The Duggars re-posted that barf-inducing post on sex tips that I covered last year, because they are dark-sided evil demons who want to destroy our eyeballs and want to get a dig in at Anna Duggar – Starcasm
Someone married Sean Avery and his male pattern baldness brows – Celebitchy
The morally corrupt Faye Resnick got married too, and her wedding was officiated by Pimp Mama Kris. Getting married under the eyes of Lucifer is no way to start a marriage – Reality Tea
Taylor Swift is in Vogue Australia looking like a doll in a straightened Leif Garrett wig – Drunken Stepfather
Selena Gomez was on Today today – The Superficial
It took their asses long enough, but Law & Order: SVU finally got around to doing a Josh Duggar episode – IDLYITW
Victor Garber got married and I’m not going to ruin this happy news with a Bradley Cooper joke – Towleroad
Um, Stacy Keibler is a little early for Coachella – Popoholic
Gitchy gitchy NO NO – Jezebel
If there was a city named Elegance, this is what its police force would wear – Hollywood Tuna
Aerosmith joins the growing list of bands who want Jabba the Trump to keep their songs out of his campaign – HuffPo
Cara Delawhatever and St. Vincent are maybe engaged – OMG Blog
So, in about 15 years, expect Marcus Mumford and his kid to start a duo called Mumford & Daughter – Popsugar
Amy Poehler sang The Rose and I was prepared to feel hate over it, but hate I did not feel – The Berry
Sadly, it doesn’t seem like we’re going to get Taylor Swift break-up songs titled “No More Happy Endings” and “Tugging My Heart Strings Raw,” because her rep has rubbed out the rumor that Insufferable Barbie and Ken are over.
Over the weekend, Radar said that Taylor dumped Calvin into the dumpster marked “Taylor’s Ex-Boyfriends,” because he got caught leaving a massage place that is reportedly known for jerking the peen during a rubdown. (Gawker trolled rub and tug review sites and determined that if you’re looking for a prostate massage and a hand job, don’t go to the place where Calvin went, because they don’t do that kind of thing there.)
A source tells People that they’re still together and they’re still spending their hot Friday nights playing with her pussies. No, of course, I don’t mean that in a sex way. I don’t think they do that. I mean that they dress her cats up in bonnets and reenact scenes from Little House on the Prairie. Taylor’s rep Tree Paine also denied Radar’s story on Twitter. Yes, I know the real story here is that there’s a human on earth named Tree Paine. Tree Paine sounds like the name T-Pain’s parents gave him at birth, which is why he goes by T-Pain.
And Calvin took a page out of Taylor’s book on How To Deal With Everything by threatening to sue Radar and any other gossiping bitch who says that he loves a little and rub and tug.
It's not going to be a 'happy ending' for everyone I sue for defamation of character for all these bullshit stories bye bye
— Calvin Harris (@CalvinHarris) October 12, 2015
The “bye bye” really makes that threat extra hard and extra badass. You know a bitch is serious when they end their threat with a “bye bye.” But damn, Calvin got his dick skin in a twist over that story. If only there was a place that could rub out that knot for him…..