Archives: October 2015

Hot Slut Of The Day!

October 8, 2015 / Posted by:

Liz Taylor (as played by Denis O’Hare) from American Horror Story: Hotel.

I don’t even know why tricks check into that hotel on AHS: Hotel, because as soon as Kathy Bates told me they don’t have WiFi, my rolling luggage and I would’ve changed course and headed straight for the nearest Comfort Inn Suites while calling the Better Business Bureau to report that stone age dump for not providing Internet access in 2015. WiFi is a RIGHT not a privilege. You know how in horror movies when dumb bitch characters do stupid shit like run up to the second floor instead of out the front door when the murderer is chasing them? Checking into a giant hotel with no WiFi is the same stupid ass move. Nothing good can come from that. And now that I’ve gotten that out of the way…

American Horror Story: No WiFi premiered last night and to me, it was like The Hunger wrapped in The Shining wrapped in a really long Lady CaCa video and topped with a good old-fashioned drill bit dildo ass rape scene. Lady Gaga didn’t talk that much in the first episode and they should’ve kept it that way, because what came out of her mouth was the real horror story. It’s like Madge’s fake ass British accent and an old-timey movie accent fucked in her mouth. She rolled out a vaguely European accent that let us know that she’s a serious ACK-TORR now! But two things made up for Gaga’s accent: Matt Boner’s ass and Denis O’Hare.

Denis O’Hare (more like Denis No’Hair) plays Liz Taylor and in the few scenes he was in, he proved to me that he should’ve played Elizabeth Taylor in Lifetime’s Liz & Dick movie. He could’ve played both roles actually. Liz Taylor is sort of like a queen-of-all-trades of the hotel, but her main job is to provide glamour and hotness. The malnourished James St. James is lightly sprinkled throughout the first episode, but Denis promises the season will have heaping amounts of Liz Taylor in it including a beautiful” love scene. I hope that means there will be a scene of him gently brushing Matt Boner’s locks while he’s done up as Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra and Boner is done up as Richard Burton as Mark Antony. That would be an American dream story.

Pic: FX


Birthday Sluts

October 8, 2015 / Posted by:

Sigourney Weaver (65)
Bella Thorne (18)
Angus T. Jones (22)
Barbara Palvin (22)
Molly Quinn (22)
Bruno Mars (30)
Nick Cannon (35)
Mike “The Miz” Mizanin (35)
Kristanna Loken (36)
Martin Henderson (41)
Matt Damon (45)
Soon-Yi Previn (45)
Jeremy Davies (46)
Emily Procter (47)
Karyn Parsons (49)
C.J. Ramone (50)
CeCe Winans (51)
Stephanie Zimbalist (59)
Darrell Hammond (60)
Robert “Kool” Bell (65)
Sarah Purcell (67)
Chevy Chase (72)
R.L. Stine (72)
Jesse Jackson (74)
Paul Hogan (76)
Rona Barrett (79)

Pic: Helmut Newton


Night Crumbs

October 7, 2015 / Posted by:

Winona Ryder was at the premiere of the Experimenter last night and her “cracked out James Haven caught in the headlights” eyes remind me of how much I miss STAINSLainey Gossip 

Zoe Kravitz lounged around and ate ice cream and chicken for Wonderland MagazineDrunken Stepfather

Goopy Paltrow doesn’t think that anybody in Hollywood should be making Robert Downey Jr. money. Um, Goopy is wrong again. Gina Gershon should be making RDJ money for her role in Showgirls alone – Celebitchy

NBC’s PR department, I mean, “UsWeekly’s source,” wants us to think that Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton are bumping fuck parts – The Superficial 

Nobody wants to buy Backdoor Farrah’s DNA. But I wouldn’t be surprised if America’s enemies bought it all to create an army of brain-dead butt zombies that will destroy us all  – Reality Tea 

Aw, tis the seasons when famous-ish tricks like Ashley Benson try to get attention by wearing a HIGHLY OFFENSIVE Halloween costume – IDLYITW

Disneyland kicked out a gay dude for not being covered up enough. Disneyland better kick out Donald Duck too, because that ho doesn’t even wear pants! – Towleroad

Work that construction netting skirt, Lily Donaldson! – Hollywood Tuna 

Hmmm….I wonder what gross nasty piece of trash touched Lance Bass wrong during the early days of *NYSNC? I’m guessing the creep’s name rhymes with Who Hurlman – Jezebel

Daniel Craig would rather break a drinking glass and slash his wrists with it than do another James Bond movie. You know, that comment is pretty street – Pajiba

The voice of the next Disney princess has been found – The Berry 

Miranda Kerr, take off that damn jacket, you’re not Daniel Boone – Popoholic

Steve-O’s Sea World stunt got him 30 days in the clink – HuffPo

This is what Boo Boo Kitty’s engagement ring looks like – Popsugar

Carey Mulligan had a secret baby that I’m sure she and Marcus Mumford named Banjo Fennel Mumford – Just Jared 

Pic: Getty


Oh, It’s Just Two Girls Whoopin’ Each Other’s Asses In A Raft

October 7, 2015 / Posted by:

The only thing the Internet knows about this funny video is that it went down in North Carolina, the two chicks fighting are sisters, at least one of them is drunk and they’re raft guides for Big Creek Expeditions. Who knows why the girl in the sunglasses didn’t try to break those messes up by hitting them with her paddle and who knows why that girl pinned underneath them also did nothing.

You know what, though, if was the one in the glasses I would’ve pulled that raft over and made those two murder each other’s faces in the woods. I wouldn’t want to get blood and guts on my damn raft! But I guess there’s no breaking up the powerful bond between siblings.

Since the Internet does nothing but lie to us and play with our emotions, don’t be surprised when this turns out to be viral marketing for Oxygen’s newest show Bad Girls Rafting Club.

And if you’re starting a band and your brain hasn’t spit up any name ideas, it’s your lucky day! Take your pick between “Drunk Bimbo Sisters Gone Wild” and “Nanatahala Gorge Beatdown.”

via Gawker


There’s A Chance Randy Quaid Will Be Deported Back To The US

October 7, 2015 / Posted by:

Almost 5 years ago, Canada heroically saved the lives of Randy and Evi Quaid from a murderous mafia known as the Star Whackers who had killed Heath Ledger and David Carradine and were coming after them next! (No, I don’t know why a bunch of star murderers would want to murder Randy Quaid, but that’s his story.) Evi, whose dad is Canadian, became a citizen and filed papers to sponsor Randy’s citizenship. Everything was maple syrup kisses and poutine dreams until today. Randy Quaid was arrested in Montreal today and he could be deported back to California. That screeching sound you hear is Dennis Quaid driving a U-Haul full of his family and shit from California to Mexico.


Open Post: Hosted By A Knocked Up Bridget Jones

October 7, 2015 / Posted by:

Here’s Renee Zellweger in London today shooting scenes for Bridget Jones’s Baby, which follows the events leading after Bridget is abducted by aliens who changed her face and put an alien fetus in her body before returning her to earth. That plot hasn’t been confirmed, but I’m going to go ahead and go with it. I’m also going to guess that sometime during the movie, Elmo and Big Bird come after Bridget Jones for viciously murdering and skinning their friend Cookie Monster. Yeah, Bridget Jones is getting extra dark the third time around.



Victor Cruz’s Fiancee May Have Called Out All Of His Side Pieces In A Group Text

October 7, 2015 / Posted by:

The real-life Bernadine from Waiting To Exhale has been found!

According to MediaTakeOut and UsWeekly, the alleged side pieces of NY Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz all got a lovely little text message from Elaina Watley, his fiancee and mother of his 3-year-old daughter. Elaina supposedly gathered up all of Victor’s hos and introduced herself to them and each other in one beautiful group text message. MediaTakeOut claims they got a screen shot of the text message from a woman who was on the group list. I wish Elaina didn’t put Victor on the list and didn’t tell him she knew about his harem of mistresses, because she could’ve joined forces with them to pull a John Tucker Must Die on his ass. Big Mistake!


Elin Nordegren would’ve done the same thing if she had 4 interns and 3 assistants. Because that’s how many people it would’ve taken to gather up the cell phone numbers of all 500 of Tiger Wood’s hos.

MediaTakeOut is known for serving up pure fanfiction, but UsWeekly verified that text as 100% authentic. No, they didn’t get a confirmation from Victor Cruz or Elaina Watley. A trick that Victor met on Instagram and almost passed his peen to claims he told her it’s real. Sounds legit.

One of the women he’s had contact with — who did not receive said group text — told Us how she confronted the Giants wide receiver after seeing the screenshots online.

“I sent it to him and asked him what it was about and he said, ‘Exactly what it reads,'” the woman, who lives in Texas, tells Us.

“He then said some of it was true and some was fake, and when I asked what was fake he said, ‘Does it matter?’” the woman adds to Us. “He’d tell me him and his fiancee were broken up and just keeping up appearances. I never believed him.”

What’s really surprising is that Victor texted that woman back. I’m surprised that his phone didn’t shake and catch on fire after all of his side pieces texted him with a million devil Emojis.

And who knows if Elaina is going to stick with that huge slut or dump him, but I do know that her transformation into the real-life Bernadine will be complete if she burns his car in the front yard.


Justin Bieber’s Naked Body Is On The Internet

October 7, 2015 / Posted by:

Future historians will mark today as the day the world was rid of all of the Beliebers because they all hit puberty before combusting after looking at naked pictures of their 21-year-old God.

Usher just put a “DO NOT DISTURB, FOR REAL” sign on his office door and locked that shit, because the NYDN threw up a bunch of censored pictures of Justin Bieber taking his Bel Ami twink body for a swim in Bora Bora. The Biebs is there with his newest piece, Jayde Pierce. If you really want to expose your eyes to those pics, the censored ones are here and the uncensored ones are here and here. Before you click, you better contact your local Catholic church and ask them to set a bowl of holy water aside for your, because you will want to dunk your whole face in afterward.

You know, the Little Biebs isn’t a taco, it’s more of a taquito. Why did I just type that? But really, I’m going to call Photoshop, because I refuse to believe that Justin Bieber’s crotch isn’t completely flat and smooth and doesn’t have the word Mattel tattooed into it.

Pic: Instagram


Love Doesn’t Live On This Planet Anymore: Geoffrey Edelsten Is Divorcing His Latest Gold-Digging Wife

October 7, 2015 / Posted by:

Quick recap time!

Geoffrey Edelsten is a 72-year-old Australian medical entrepreneur/tabloid mess who is mostly known to me for his impeccable taste for graceful American gold digging blossoms such as his second wife, the eternal earth angel Brynne Edelsten. Geoffrey has truly mastered the art of picking out the finest of gold diggers.

Gabi Grecko is Geoffrey’s 26-year-old third wife who is a former HSOTD, a DJ/fashion designer from Miami and is one of my current fashion icons because she always looks like she just placed first in a bad drag contest. Gabi announced in June that Geoffrey busted a load of jizz dust up in her and she got knocked up. Well, Gabi will soon be inducted into the Ex-Wives Of Geoffrey Edelsten Club, because they’re getting divorced. And their marriage isn’t going down without a scandal.

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