I know, it’s always too early in the day, the week, the month, the year and the century to read the words “Lil Wayne,” “sex tape” and “leaks” in one sentence.
Last month, TMZ reported that a fuck tape starring the fertile goblin and two strippers was put up on the sale block. Lil Wayne’s lawyers immediately threatened to sue any trick who put out that mess. Well, in news that’ll make your genitals do the opposite of “leak,” a clip of the supposed sex tape leaked online. The site Diary of a Hollywood Street King threw up the clip and the site writes that they “may or may not have gotten” it from the camp of Wayne’s one-time collaborator and current arch rival Birdman.
The tape must have been shot on a turnip (not even a potato), because it’s grainy as all hell. (NSFW, duh) The clip shows Maybe Wayne lying on a bed, in what looks like a Motel 6, while two chicks do all the work. What really made me want to inject antibiotics into my eyeballs is something that doesn’t happen at all in the clip. The dude never wraps up his peen and does it raw dog-style. Dude wrapped up his feet (he’s keeping it all the way classy by wearing socks), but didn’t wrap up that dick. See, that’s one big reason why I’m wondering if that really is Lil Wayne in the clip. I mean, if it was Wayne, I’d think that as soon as the chick sat on that unwrapped peen, her uterus would find a way to push that dick out while thinking to itself, “Nope, not going to house a Weezy fetus this lifetime. Not going to do it.”
So I don’t know, but Lil Wayne’s ex-piece and hip hop ho extraordinaire Karrine “Superhead” Steffans seems to think to think it’s him. In between fighting with Lil Wayne’s fans, Superhead reviewed the clip on Twitter and she believes it’s him, because she recognizes the dry boredom of it all:
Chile…that @LilTunechi sex tape is so dry. Brought flash backs of texting and looking at the ceiling in missionary for 8 years. Sigh.
— Karrine & Co.® (@karrineandco) October 12, 2015
Anywho, I hope no one else sees this tape in its entirety. It's an illegal recording and a violation. And it's dry. Dry. Dry. Dry.
— Karrine & Co.® (@karrineandco) October 12, 2015
Oh, Superhead. She’s like the Siskel & Ebert of celebrity sex tape reviewers. And she obviously gives this one two dry coochies.
Monsanto presents: Splendor in the GMO Grass. – The Green Bastard
I’m pretty sure this is how Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris have “sex.” – ThirdLaw
Paula Nichols from Dance Academy, the perfect 80s jewel that I never knew existed.
How in the HELL did I live through the 80s without seeing this masterpiece that looks like what you’d find if you opened up the chest of the 80s? I saw this clip at Everything Is Terrible last night and I pissed pure AquaNet for hours and threw up Crystal Pepsi. It’s that 80s.
No, I haven’t seen this brilliant piece of cinema yet, but based on the synopsis from IMDB, it sounds like it has all the ingredients for an absolutely perfect 80s dance movie. It’s a little bit of Footloose, a little bit of Fame and a little bit of Flashdance and it stars Julie Newmar as the manager of the dance school. Also, a dude gets ENTRANCED in it. It sounds like it’s every kind if right.
Blue-collar worker Vince stumbles into a dance school, where he quickly becomes entranced by the music. Miss McKenzie, the school’s manager and former owner, is about to throw him out on his ear when Moon, the school’s rebellious new jazz instructor, vouches for him. Although the school’s new owner has insisted on bringing in Moon as a teacher, Miss McKenzie absolutely hates him and the influence of his modern music, and will stop at nothing to see him (and Vince) thrown out for good.
And Paula Nichols plays Moon’s girlfriend who sings a magical song that makes everyone dance like they’ve just snorted a mountain of coke. This clip will put so many questions into your head, but just swat them away for now and get into 80s hotness of it all.
See. A million questions: Why isn’t that lady in the white coat entranced by the beat? Why is that guy at the end covered in blood? Is it from his moves murdering thet beat? How many different kinds of drugs are these messes on? Shouldn’t Paula be ruling The Labyrinth instead of singing this hot song for a bunch of coked up dancers? I don’t need the answer to any of those questions, because it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that this exists.
Dance Academy is on YouTube in its entirety, so if you’re uneducated like me, take the rest of the day off and watch it. Just tell your boss, “I’m going home to watch Dance Academy, because I’ve never seen it,” and I’m sure they’ll understand. Education always comes first.
Sacha Baron Cohen (44)
Noah Crawford (21)
Ian Thorpe (33)
Kele Okereke (34)
Billy Bush (44)
Serena Altschul (45)
Paul Potts (45)
Nancy Kerrigan (46)
Tisha Campbell-Martin (47)
Kate Walsh (48)
Kelly Preston (53)
Jerry Rice (53)
Joey Belladonna (55)
Marie Osmond (56)
Chris Carter (58)
Beverly Johnson (63)
Sammy Hagar (68)
Paul Simon (74)
Melinda Dillon (76)
Nana Mouskouri (81)
Leonardo DiCatchAHo and his latest piece Kelly RorSomethingOrAnother hung out with his family this weekend. You know, Kelly should really wear a name tag that says “Hello, My Name Is Kelly,” because every time one of his family members talk to her, they probably say, “So Bar, I mean Erin, I mean Toni, I mean, oh fuckit.” – Lainey Gossip
Chrissy Teigen tweeted this tonight: “John and I are so happy to announce that we are pregnant.” Congrats! I can’t wait to see John Legend work his “baby bump” on Instagram – Just Jared
The Duggars re-posted that barf-inducing post on sex tips that I covered last year, because they are dark-sided evil demons who want to destroy our eyeballs and want to get a dig in at Anna Duggar – Starcasm
Someone married Sean Avery and his male pattern baldness brows – Celebitchy
The morally corrupt Faye Resnick got married too, and her wedding was officiated by Pimp Mama Kris. Getting married under the eyes of Lucifer is no way to start a marriage – Reality Tea
Taylor Swift is in Vogue Australia looking like a doll in a straightened Leif Garrett wig – Drunken Stepfather
Selena Gomez was on Today today – The Superficial
It took their asses long enough, but Law & Order: SVU finally got around to doing a Josh Duggar episode – IDLYITW
Victor Garber got married and I’m not going to ruin this happy news with a Bradley Cooper joke – Towleroad
Um, Stacy Keibler is a little early for Coachella – Popoholic
Gitchy gitchy NO NO – Jezebel
If there was a city named Elegance, this is what its police force would wear – Hollywood Tuna
Aerosmith joins the growing list of bands who want Jabba the Trump to keep their songs out of his campaign – HuffPo
Cara Delawhatever and St. Vincent are maybe engaged – OMG Blog
So, in about 15 years, expect Marcus Mumford and his kid to start a duo called Mumford & Daughter – Popsugar
Amy Poehler sang The Rose and I was prepared to feel hate over it, but hate I did not feel – The Berry
Sadly, it doesn’t seem like we’re going to get Taylor Swift break-up songs titled “No More Happy Endings” and “Tugging My Heart Strings Raw,” because her rep has rubbed out the rumor that Insufferable Barbie and Ken are over.
Over the weekend, Radar said that Taylor dumped Calvin into the dumpster marked “Taylor’s Ex-Boyfriends,” because he got caught leaving a massage place that is reportedly known for jerking the peen during a rubdown. (Gawker trolled rub and tug review sites and determined that if you’re looking for a prostate massage and a hand job, don’t go to the place where Calvin went, because they don’t do that kind of thing there.)
A source tells People that they’re still together and they’re still spending their hot Friday nights playing with her pussies. No, of course, I don’t mean that in a sex way. I don’t think they do that. I mean that they dress her cats up in bonnets and reenact scenes from Little House on the Prairie. Taylor’s rep Tree Paine also denied Radar’s story on Twitter. Yes, I know the real story here is that there’s a human on earth named Tree Paine. Tree Paine sounds like the name T-Pain’s parents gave him at birth, which is why he goes by T-Pain.
And Calvin took a page out of Taylor’s book on How To Deal With Everything by threatening to sue Radar and any other gossiping bitch who says that he loves a little and rub and tug.
It's not going to be a 'happy ending' for everyone I sue for defamation of character for all these bullshit stories bye bye
— Calvin Harris (@CalvinHarris) October 12, 2015
The “bye bye” really makes that threat extra hard and extra badass. You know a bitch is serious when they end their threat with a “bye bye.” But damn, Calvin got his dick skin in a twist over that story. If only there was a place that could rub out that knot for him…..
As many of you can tell from how I pathetically slobber over Prince Hot Ginge and Phoebe Price, I am a hardcore ginger worshiper, but to me, Jessica Chastain has always been as bland as a handful of raw Malt-O-Meal. But in a cover spread for W Magazine, Jessica Chastain is the complete opposite of bland and has covered my eyes with a whole lot of Sharpie-infused glamour. Jessica Chastain looks like she was made over by a heavy-handed cholita, a Muppet, a nun on acid and a serial killer clown at the same time.
Who knew that it would only take a polyester Who’s That Girl? wig, a “Kate Winslet in Eternal Sunshine…” wig, a gallon of lead-based red paint, four economy-sized packs of Sharpies and a bunch of clothes from Lady CaCa’s dirty laundry basket to make Jessica Chastain look this gorgeous. She looks like a cross between Groucho Marx in Miley Cyrus drag and Brigitte Nielsen as a band leader from Mars.
In some of the pictures, Jessica Chastain’s brows look like extra thick poop noodles, but other than that, she is alien punk beautiful. Jessica needs to cancel all her appointments and spend her entire day getting those eyebrows and that stunning lip liner permanently tattooed onto her face, because this is the way she’s supposed to look!
Goopy Paltrow was honored at Variety’s Power of Women luncheon (or as she calls it, “Variety’s Power of Gwyneth Paltrow…And Some Other Women Too, Whatever” luncheon) on Friday and while talking to reporters on the red carpet, she turned herself into distilled organic steam and blew herself up into Taylor Swift’s b-hole. According to People, Goopy said that her 11-year-old daughter Apple Martin is a big Taylor Swift fan and she approves, because Taylor of Sunnybrook Farm is a serious businesswoman, a songwriter and doesn’t show up to events nipples-out naked. Yes, Goopy hated on naked chicks on the red carpet at a female empowerment event.
“She loves Taylor Swift, and for me, that’s such a great sign. Taylor is a girl who’s incredibly talented. She writes her own music. She’s not naked on the red carpet. She’s an incredibly astute businesswoman, so with role models like that, [Apple] can’t go wrong.
I really think that that generation is going to do something very special. Those girls, they are so in their power. They are absolutely shameless in terms of their femininity, and I think we’re on the verge of something really exciting.”
Okay, but besides my idol Micaela Schaefer, who in the hell shows up to events completely naked? I wish many of those famous types showed up completely naked, because it would probably be more pleasing to the eyes than the ugly shit they wear. But seriously, Goopy self-shaded herself with that comment. I mean, we all got a good view of her nipple knobs when she showed up to the Oscars looking like a frumpy goth Heidi and a couple of years ago she told us she had to shave off her Goop fur to wear an elegant see-through gown. Oh, Goop, I see you sitting next to a pile of freshly polished marble stones imported from Italy in your 15,000 square foot Baccarat glass house.
Here’s a bunch of pictures from Variety’s luncheon thing including some of a lube-faced Goopy looking like a cocktail waitress at a Pope-themed club.
On The View last week, Raven-Symoné’s silent-accented-e-having ass once again proved that she’s got a bird brain to go with her bird hair and bird name when she said out loud that she believes in name discrimination and would never hire someone whose parents named them something like “Watermelondrea.” Raven spit that out during a discussion about racial biased against “black names.” The View showed a video of kids blurting out a bunch of “ghetto” names and one of those names was Watermelondrea. Raven’s own dad called her out on Facebook and basically said that she’s a dispenser of dumb sometimes.
Last week, Vin Diesel got hate from FUPA-shaming bitches when pictures of him looking like 1970s Telly Savalas on the cover of People made the rounds on the Internet. Some labeled Vin’s body as a stage 10 “dad bod,” but to me it looked more like “lazy skinny fat gay blogger at his damn fittest” bod. Vin wasn’t going to let the Internet get away with saying that he’s got original Billy Campbell body. While at New York Comic-Con over the weekend, Vin lifted up his shirt to shut everyone up. Vin posted the picture on Instagram and added this little note:
The pic from yesterday… For those who wanted the show… For all the angels that love dad bod regardless… I will post an exclusive video on my Facebook when I am done with press today.
This whole thing is giving me shades of “fitness model before and after trickery.”
Vin didn’t have to do that. I’d hit it with “dad bod” and I’d hit it without “dad bod” as long as he crooned out a RiRi song into my ear while doing so. But it looks like he’s sucking in so damn hard that his belly button is really an innie but it popped out from the tension of it all. Welcome to my world, Vin Diesel. I suck in so much that I have forgotten how to exhale. The worst is when I’m at the doctor and he tells me to take my shirt off so he can listen to my lungs. I wonder if the doctor can hear me internally scream “FUUUUUUCK” into his stethoscope when I’m sucking in for my life and he says, “Okay, gimme a deep breathe now.”