RiRi doesn’t really have anything to sell right now, besides her daily pap walks, Instagram posts and bottles of stank, but she’s on the cover of Vanity Fair and in the interview, she says words about everything from Chris Brown to casual boning to Rachel Dolezal. If your brain completely erased every memory of Rachel Dolezal, I’m jealous of you. But let me remind you who that mess is. Rachel Dolezal is Sideshow Bob’s transracial second cousin who pretended to be black and was the only thing the media talked about for a little while. You know, she was the Kim Davis of June 2015. We all forgot about Rachel Dolezal until RiRi said her name again. Damn you, RiRi, you woke the fame whore beast! But before we get to that…
I really, really hope that Grace Jones’ “Reading These Hos Tour” never ever ends, because her beautiful words wrapped in pure bitchiness never fail to take me up, up and away and when I read her interviews I know how Jesus’ apostles felt when he spoke to them. In her memoirs, I Will Never Write My Memoirs, Grace Jones lines up many pop trick of today and slaps them down for copying her. While promoting her memoirs, Grace also slapped down Kanye West for jacking ideas from her and said that he’ll get a face full of her if they ever cross paths. Well, now it’s Lady CaCa’s turn to feel the wrath of Grace again.
The ‘S’ isn’t necessary. Everybody knows it is you, Scott Disick – loozer
What kind of Super Hero is that……everybody beats him. – 38chrysler
The most-loved ATM in Skoghall, Sweden, if not the world!
ATMs can bring you happiness (example: when you’re about to meet your weed man, who only takes cash, and you’ve walked 4 blocks before finding an ATM that isn’t broken) and ATMs can bring you sadness (example: when it tells you that you have insufficient funds and you scream at it to please break the rules this time and stop being a square) and I don’t remember the last time I used one, but it’s nice knowing that there’s usually one nearby. The people of Skoghall, Sweden (population: 13,000) haven’t experienced the emotional highs and lows of using an ATM in six months, because that’s the last time their town has had one. But that changed the other day and their lives will never be the same again.
Sweden is one of the most cashless societies in the world (they buy everything with Ikea meatballs) and Skoghall lost its last ATM six months ago, so when a new ATM was unveiled in their town, it was a celebration. I’ve been to birthday parties that weren’t as elaborate as the opening of this ATM was. A reporter showed up to cover the important event, a musical duo yodeled out “We have gotten a new ATM” to the tune of Monty Python’s Always Look On The Bright Side and a dude on the roof threw candy into the streets.
The Daily Star claims that this video is 100% real and isn’t a scene from a Christopher Guest movie:
Were the people so mesmerized by that ATM that they didn’t realize that candy was falling from the sky? Maybe it’s because as a kid I learned I had to elbow and trip brats as soon as the piñata broke open, but I would’ve been all over that candy. Or maybe not. Maybe I would’ve been hypnotized by that beautiful cash machine too. It’s the little things (that charge you a fee and don’t work all the time) in life… Skoghall is doing it right, though. Life is too short to not throw a party for a new ATM. Welcome to the world, Skoghall ATM!
Elisabeth Shue (52)
Roshon Fegan (24)
Olivia Thirlby (29)
Ricky Hatton (37)
Melinda Doolittle (38)
Jeremy Sisto (41)
Jeff B. Davis (42)
Ioan Gruffudd (42)
Lamman Rucker (44)
Amy Jo Johnson (45)
Jacqueline Obradors (49)
Matthew Sweet (51)
Kevin Cronin (64)
Les Moonves (66)
Britt Ekland (73)
Ellen Travolta (75)
Pic: Mark Seliger
Kim Kartrashian hates being pregnant and calls it the worst experience of her life. Two things: 1) Her swollen, tortured hooves agree with her and; 2) I’m sure she knows it’s all worth it, because soon she’ll have another dress-up doll to parade in front of the paps! – HuffPo
Alicia Vikander and Michael Fassbender are probably still doing it – Lainey Gossip
Kosmopolitan has gone from telling you how to have a 15-minute orgasm to making you heave for 15 minutes by calling the Kartrashians America’s First Family – Celebitchy
The Porn Iguana and Doug Hutchinson’s rotten potato-looking ass are proving their undying love for
each other attention by renewing their vows – Reality Tea
An ice cube sucks on an ice cube in Interview Magazine – Drunken Stepfather
I don’t really see the Hammaconda in any of these pictures. I’m guessing it’s hiding because it’s embarrassed by those shorts – The Superficial
As expected, DJ Tanner was very loving and understanding when talking about Danny Pintauro being HIV positive. But more importantly, Danny Pintauro used to work at P.F. Chang’s! Why am I just finding out about this now? I could’ve enjoyed a plate of Mongolian Beef while staring at Mona Robinson’s grandson – Towleroad
Yolanda Foster’s modeling child thinks Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad is about girl power and not cattiness. I guess nobody told her what “Bad Blood” is about – IDLYITW
Vanessa Hudgens is dressed like an American Apparel grandma and it might be the most “normal” outfit I’ve seen her in ever – Popoholic
Why is Kate Upton wearing one of Mr. Furley’s jumpsuits? – Hollywood Tuna
ICYMI: The soft peen that made a cameo appearance during The Affair last night – Jezebel
I don’t know who this is, but he has a butt and is showing it off and that’s all we need to know – (NSFW for butt) OMG Blog
Jason Momoa and Emilia Clarke reunited – Pajiba
That shirt Kendra Wilkinson’s wearing: I want it – WWTDD
That paper towel is laced with meth, right? – The Berry
And let’s end with Orlando Bloom’s nipples – Popsugar
Claire Danes Doesn’t Really Regret The Whole “Billy Crudup Leaving A Pregnant Mary-Louise Parker For Her” Thing
All the way back in 2003, Claire Danes got her star on the Home Wreckers Walk of Fame when Billy Crudup dumped a knocked-up Mary-Louise Parker to be with her. At the time, Mary-Louise Parker was 7 months pregnant with Billy Crudup’s baby, so the ESCANDALO alarm was rung several times. Billy Crudup got dragged because he was the cold-hearted gaping asshole who left his pregnant girlfriend of 8 years for another piece. Claire Danes got dragged because she was the hussy harlot who got with a taken dude. Claire was on Howard Stern’s SiriusXM radio show this morning to promote Homeland, and Howard brought up the messiness that was her relationship with Billy. Claire sort of shrugged it off in a “shit happens” kind of way:
Howard: When you decided to date the guy you acted with in the play, Billy Crudup. Alright, he was a married guy and just had a kid, and you start dating him. Of course, he’s getting shit for it and all that. Is that such a scary thing because people are judging you?
Claire: Yeah, that was a scary thing. That was really hard.
Howard: When you go through something like that, are you thinking of your career? Are you like, “What am I doing?” Because people are so goddamn judgmental and all of this stuff?
Claire: Yeah, I don’t know. I didn’t know how to not do that. I was just in love with him and needed to explore that. And I was 24, didn’t quite know what those consequences might be.
Howard: Yeah, you never do know.
Claire: Yeah, you never know, but you know, it’s okay. I went through it. We’re friendly. We’re friends! I mean, yeah.
The hell kind of response is that? Claire Danes is so strong for getting through that. I don’t think Claire Danes needs to pull out one of her signature cries or anything, but it seems like she’s trying to act like she cares when she doesn’t really give a fuck. She also pulled those excuses out of her asshole. First of all, most 24-year-olds are way past that “I’m so sweet and naive and don’t know anything” phase and it sounds like she was dickmatized. When she said, “Needed to explore that,” I heard, “Needed to explore that dick!” So if Claire’s going to talk about it, she just needs to keep it all the way real by saying, “Listen, the dick was good and I wanted that dick all the time until I got bored with it and got me some new dick. The end. NEXT!”
Here’s Claire outside of SiriusXM’s studios this morning.
When we last left Jeremy Jackson, he was busted by the cops for stabbing a dude in Westlake Village, CA. That was in April. Jeremy was never charged with anything, because he cried self defense and the District Attorney’s Office agreed with him. Well, Hobie struck, or should I say stabbed, again and this time he’s actually facing charges.
TMZ says that Jeremy Jackson allegedly went crazy and stabbed a woman near his home in L.A. on August 6th. The woman claims that Jeremy Jackson tried to steal her boyfriend’s car and when she stopped him, he stabbed her in her back, arm and leg. Because this is something you really want to see, her’s a picture of one of her alleged Hobie-made wounds:
Jeremy ran his ass away from the scene, but the cops picked him at a hotel. The D.A. charged him with with felony counts of assault with a deadly weapon and making criminal threats. He pleaded not guilty and the judge set his bail at $80,000, so I’m guessing David Hasselhoff got a call in the middle of the night from his TV son looking for a little loan. The Wrap says that the Celebrity Rehab graduate will have to show his face in court on October 28th.
Are Jeremy Jackson and Nicholas Brendon in a competition to see which one of them can get the most mug shots in one year? I’m guessing that Jeremy will win if he keeps trying to (allegedly) snatch cars and stab tricks in what sounds like drug deals gone terribly wrong. I don’t know whether to blame Dr. Drew of The Hoff or both. And to think, I thought Jeremy Jackson had hit rock bottom when he decided to tell all of us about the time he walked around with Michelle Williams’ dried ass juices on his fingers for two weeks:
Asked about his celebrity hook-ups, Jeremy copped to dating Katie Holmes early in her career: “My secret rendezvous girlfriend. Yeah, we messed around.” And Katie’s Dawson’s Creek co-star, Michelle Williams–Hobie once fingered her until she whispered that he was working the wrong hole: “I was learning the ropes, man. You know…I didn’t wash my hands for a couple weeks.”
Behold, Benji Madden’s hot new edgy scalp tattoo that probably took hours upon hours to do and left him with the kind of headache I get after listening to 2 Good Charlotte songs in a row.
While leaving some restaurant in West Hollywood last night, Cameron Diaz’s husband gave the paps a good look at the scalp tattoo that makes him look like The Last Airbender if The Last Airbender grew up, moved to Florida, became a goth cult leader and also ran a meth lab in his garage. So he looks like The Last Methbender, basically. The good thing about that tattoo is that Benji can tell everybody that no, he’s not shaving his head because he’s balding. He shaves his head to show off his hot new edgy scalp tattoo, thankyouverymuch.
And Cameron Diaz’s drunk ass was so drunk last night that she fell over. Or maybe she wasn’t drunk at all and she fell over when she was once again hit with the realization that every time she looks down while her husband is licking her cooch, she’ll have to stare at the giant stained glass tattoo on his head.
The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day is about as reliable as any given Lohan, but I’m going to choose to believe that all of this is made of 100% potent truthiness, because it’s Monday and the right way to start any week is with the image of Tom Cruise screaming himself out of his lifts over his daughter marrying outside of Scientology. And he may not have been invited to the wedding. Seethe, Tommy Girl, seethe.
Woman’s Day said that when 22-year-old Isabella Cruise married British IT consultant Max Parker at The Dorchester Hotel in London on September 18, she kept the ceremony and party very intimate, because she didn’t want the media to find out. Isabella’s mom, Nicole Kidman, was there, but her brother Connor Cruise and her daddy Tommy Girl were not. Isabella Cruise recently graduated from beauty school and her classmates at the Vidal Sassoon Academy were her bridesmaids. Woman’s Day claims that picture next to Nicole Kidman’s Botoxed mug is of Isabella wearing her wedding dress while posing with her bridesmaids who wore jumpsuits that did weird things to their crotches.
Radar’s source says that Max Parker isn’t a Scientologist, but two of his groomsmen were. The source also says that Max hasn’t even met Tommy Girl yet.
Isabella is apparently still a practicing Scientologist. So either Max Parker will have to eventually say goodbye to his sanity and become a Scientologist, or maybe, just maybe, Isabella Cruise is slowly backing away from the Church of Alien Craziness. If Isabella Cruise left Scientology, Tommy Girl wouldn’t be able to walk the halls of the Celebrity Centre with his nose up in the air like he’s Scientology’s Regina George and the queen bitch of that place. I mean, Tommy Girl let Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise get away. So if he let Isabella Cruise get away too, he’d lose major cred and every time he strolled into the Scientology bath house, the boys would throw him shady looks and say, “That bitch can’t even keep a prisoner,” under their breath.
UPDATE: And just as I hit the publish button, TMZ burped up an EXCLUSIVE about Isabella’s wedding. They say that Isabella did get married in London and they confirm that Tommy wasn’t there. But they say that no parents, including Nicole Kidman, were invited, because Isabella and Max wanted to keep their wedding extra small. Only a few friends were there. TMZ claims Tommy isn’t mad and he even paid for the wedding. The source also says that Tommy doesn’t give a shit about Max Parker not being a Scientologist and the two have hung out before. Yeah, okay, Tommy, I mean “TMZ’s source,” whatever you say.