Archives: October 2015

Stephenie Meyer Is Never Finishing That “Twilight” Spinoff Book And “Fifty Shades Of Grey” Is To Blame

October 9, 2015 / Posted by:

After the Twilight series made Stephenie Meyer a millionaire many times over, she tried to squeeze more coins out of that shit by writing a spin-off book titled Midnight Sun. The spinoff book re-tells the first Twilight book from Edward Cullen’s point of view instead of from the point of view of that dead-eyed Bella trick. Stephenie stopped writing Midnight Sun in 2008 when it was mysteriously leaked onto the Internet. She responded to the leak by releasing 12 unfinished chapters and said that she’ll finish the rest once everyone forgets about it. But now Midnight Sun will never rise (don’t worry, I hate myself for writing that too) and it’s all E.L. James’ fault!

Earlier this week, Stephenie Meyer farted up the news that she had re-written Twilight but gave Bella a peen and Edward a vampire vagina. She gender-swapped them. The Twihards rolled their eyes at that mess, because that’s not the Twilight book they’ve been waiting for. They want Midnight Sun for some reason. According to Stephenie, that’s never going to happen.

At New York Comic-Con, Stephenie told the room full of Twihards that after she finished the gender-swapped Twilight, she started working on Midnight Sun again. But the next day, she found out that she had been Single White Female’d once again by that copycat bitch E.L. James when it was announced that Grey was coming out. Grey is Fifty Shades of Shit as told from Christian Grey’s perspective. E.L. James’ snatched Stephenie’s idea and put it out first. via Entertainment Weekly 

“Midnight Sun is kind of cursed,” she reportedly told the crowd. When 12 unfinished chapters of Midnight Sun leaked in 2008, Meyer said she was upset and put the project on hold. She said at the Comic-Con panel that she recently wrote a bit more from Edward’s perspective. “What do you think was the top story on Yahoo the next morning?” she asked the crowd. “Grey.”

“It was a literal flip the table moment for me,” Meyer reportedly said. The book is still on hold.

A literal table flip? I can imagine all sorts of bizarre things, but I can’t imagine Stephenie Meyer doing this:


Plagiarist whoooor-ah!

And there’s really only one way to settle this. They must fight to the death! Actually, no, that’s not a good idea. Because once they get into a room together, they made decide that their evil powers will strengthen if they join forces and that will lead to them shitting out a mash-up book called Fifty Shades of Twilight.

Pic: Splash

Tom Hiddleston Has An Elegant Way Of Talking About His Crazy Ass Fans

October 9, 2015 / Posted by:

The craziest members of the Hiddlestoners have been accused of doing some insane shit like jumping on him at events, nearly trampling each other to get an autograph from him, following him home and on and on and on and on… (“Eh, is that all?” said a Cumberbitch before breaking into B. Cums’ bedroom to rub their bare crotch on all of his unworn underwear.) Tom Hiddleston has said before that he’s sick of being asked to take selfies and some of his fans can get obsessive by telling him that he’s solely responsible for certain things that have happened to them in their lives. In other words, some are insane. During an interview with The Guardian to promote Crimson Peak, Tom was asked about his over-obsessed fans and he said these words of polite diplomatic poetry about the whole situation:

“[It’s] an odd experience. But I won’t be the first person to have thought that. I’m only in control of my own integrity. I’m accountable for everything I’ve done and I understand that. Everything else is out of my control.”

That’s either a polite way of saying, “Get some integrity too, you crazy bitches!” or it’s a polite way of letting everyone know that he carries pepper spray and always has a stack of restraining orders in his jacket pocket.

Tumblr’s favorite fap material continued to talk about integrity when he was asked about his public persona:

“I have tried with all my power for there not to be any inauthenticity. There is no version of me presented to you that’s been created or is artificial. The people I’ve always respected have an integrity that is unassailable.”

And he’s so careful about his public persona that he’s not going to talk about politics (take note, rest of Hollywood).

“I’m not in the business of being politically divisive. I don’t want to set a precedent. It’s a private matter. I believe in kindness. I believe very profoundly in that. I believe in bravery and courage, in being true to your word … Very unfashionable.”


The Guardian’s interviewer said that Tom was very careful with his words, because he knows the game and knows that there’s a chance his quotes can be taken out of context. I feel that, because in this interview, he sounded like a cross between Jesus and the hero in a Disney movie. I don’t know whether I want to lay at his Jesus sandals and listen to him talk about “integrity” or help him put his dragon-fighting armor on as he gives a speech about “bravery.” Oh God, I hope that doesn’t mean I’m turning into a fucking Hiddlestoner.

And here’s Tom at the BFI London Film Festival premiere of High Rise with Elisabeth Moss and Sienna Miller who is wearing something that Marcia Brady would wear if she joined a cult in the 70s.


Robert Downey Jr. Can Already Buy Us All, But Soon He’ll Be Able To Buy Us All Twice

October 9, 2015 / Posted by:

Usually steam rises up into Goopy Paltrow’s parts. But after she finds out about Robert Downey Jr.’s pay raise, organic, filtered steam is going to shoot out of her ears, b-hole, mouth and everywhere else. Goopy is going to rage. Goopy recently spoke about the wage gap in Hollywood and she said this about how RDJ’s salary:

“Look, nobody is worth the money that Robert Downey Jr. is worth. But if I told you the disparity, you would probably be surprised.”

That wage gap is about to get a whole lot wider.

Forbes reported that last year, RDJ brought in $80 million and most of that money came from the back-end (wink wink) of Avengers: Age of Ultron. RDJ also reportedly got $40 million to play Iron Man again in Captain America: Civil War. Well, RDJ’s going to need a much bigger checking account if Bleeding Cool is right.

Bleeding Cool says that the next two Avenger movies, Infinity War Part One and Two, will have a combined budget of $1 billion. $400 million of that $1 billion will be used to pay the main cast, director, producers and screenwriters. And of that $400 million, half of it will go into RDJ’s cleavage, meaning he’s going to make $200 million for both movies.

$200 million?!!!

Each of those Avengers movies will most likely make more than $1 billion each worldwide, but still. I agree with Goopy and I can’t believe I typed that.

Since I have a gutter brain that’s always thinking about man ass, my first thought was that he’s getting paid $200 million and he doesn’t even get naked in that shit. You know how in Working Girl when Joan Cusack is going through Sigourney Weaver’s closet and she picks up a dress and says, “Six thousand dollars?! It’s not even leather!” I used the same tone she used to say, “Two hundred million dollars?! He doesn’t even get naked!

But get money, RDJ. And congrats to his managers and agents who probably came their genitals off after they made that deal. The good news is that they’re so rich that they can buy new genitals.

And here’s Goopy Paltrow at LAX covering her face with a fancy purse that RDJ could buy with one of his solid gold boogers.

Pics: Splash, EW

Open Post: Hosted By John Goodman

October 9, 2015 / Posted by:

John Goodman is skinny, we’ve all seen Justin Bieber’s dick and we can get an Egg McMuffin all day, every day. Everything in the world is different now.

For years, John Goodman has talked about his journey to SkinnyVille, and it all started when he gave up the sweet nectar in 2007. John once told David Letterman that he was 400 pounds at his biggest and thanks to putting healthier things in his mouth and exercising, the chunk has slowly melted off of his body and it keeps melting off. At last night’s premiere of Trumbo at the BFI London Film Festival, a bunch of people asked, “Harpo, who dis skinny woman?“, when a FUPA-less John Goodman strolled on by. A bunch of melodramatic people are saying shit like, “That’s not John Goodman!” I still see John Goodman.

I loved Dan Conner when he was fat and I love Dan Conner now. But since 2015 is the year when our favorites say and do some fucked-up shit, I’m not going to be too surprised if I hear that he lost the weight after he sacrificed a litter of kittens to the devil.

And here’s more of John Goodman with his co-stars Bryan Cranston and Dame Helen Mirren, who dressed up like a Who from Whoville going to a baby’s christening.


Raven-Symoné Isn’t Going To Hire You If You’ve Got A “Ghetto” Name

October 9, 2015 / Posted by:

I’ve got some sad, tragic news for you if your name is Watermelondrea and your dream in life is to work for Raven-Symoné. She’s never going to hire you and it’s all because your parents decided to write the name “Watermelondrea” on your birth certificate.

On yesterday’s episode, the hen house of foolery that we know as The View discussed a recent study that found that Americans make racist assumptions based on someone’s name alone. They played a clip from YouTube of kids saying “ghetto” names like Fo’Landra. Of course, we all know that prospective employers discriminate against people based on their born name, race, religion, gender, fatness, skinniness, sexuality, etc… etc… It’s illegal, but hos still do it. And during yesterday’s discussion, Raven let everyone know that she’d gladly discriminate against anyone with a name like Watermelondrea. That really is SO Raven.

Just to bring it back, can we take back ‘racist’ and say ‘discriminatory,’ because I think that’s a better word. That’s a better word. And I’m very discriminatory against words like the ones they were saying in those names. I’m not about to hire you if your name is Watermelondrea. It’s just not going to happen. I’m not going to hire you.”

Of course, this made Twitter (and beyond) tell Raven-Symoné to get the fuck out and to take her silent accented e with her. Raven hasn’t said anything about this yet, but I’m sure that on Monday’s episode of The View, Raven will apologize and will do a sit-down interview with a woman named Watermelondrea about name discrimination. At the end of the interview, Raven will give Watermelondrea a job as her new assistant. That’s damage control The View-style. But I don’t know why you’d want to be Raven’s assistant anyway. I mean, she’ll probably make you catch a damn bird and kill it so she can wear it on her head. And it’s a good thing for Raven that the producers of The View didn’t say, “I’m not about to hire you if you come in here looking like Foghorn Leghorn’s daughter” when considering her for the job. Here’s the clip if you need to see it:

And when something you say makes Whoopi Goldberg clutch her pearls…..



Justin Bieber Wants His Dick Off Of The Internet, But He’s Glad You Saw It

October 9, 2015 / Posted by:

No, I’m not going to guess what that finger smells like, because I’m way too hungover and not drunk enough for that.

The world hasn’t been the same ever since Justin Bieber’s Canadian breakfast sausage hit the Internet. Lives and relationships have been destroyed. Case in point: One of my friends said to me, “I can’t believe Justin Bieber’s dick is more impressive than Lenny Kravitz’s.” I would tell you that friend’s name, but I erased it from my memory, because she is forever dead to me now.

Speaking of erasing stuff, Justin Bieber’s lawyers are trying to scrub the Internet of the pictures of Biebs’ peen breathing in the Bora Bora air. The Hollywood Reporter says that his lawyers have hit the New York Daily News, the first ones to post the pics, with a cease and desist letter and are demanding that they yank Justin Bieber’s dick. As of right this second, the pictures are still up on the NYDN’s site.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

October 9, 2015 / Posted by:

Last March, this instant literary classic was released on Amazon and immediately joined Wuthering Heights, Pride and Prejudice and Jane Eyre at the top of the list of the greatest romance novels in history, and I just found out about it a few days ago. Since I consider myself an aficionado of the greats (e.g. EVERY Jackie Collins book, the Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice and Taken By The Pterodactyl), I am so disappointed and need to slap myself in the face for not knowing about this literary wonder sooner. I should start reading The New York Times Book Review, because I’m sure they gave Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt a perfect review.

Chuck Tingle, the genius behind (punned on purpose) this masterpiece, is mostly known for writing dino erotica, but he climbed to new levels of HIGH ART when he wrote this riveting tail (typo’d and punned on purpose, again) of a cloning expert who falls in love with a flying clone of his own ass. This beautiful romance between a man and an ass is not to be confused with the real-life fake romance between Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian and the real-life romance between Kanye West and Kanye West. This is a real love story and I can say that without even reading it, because the synopsis tells me there’s cream pies and sentient butt love in it. Every great love story has cream pies and sentient butt love.

Kirk is a scientific researcher on the leading edge of cloning technology, but his team has reached a standstill. In an effort to stabilize rapid clone growth, researchers have been taking DNA from various parts of their bodies and combining it with small amounts of animal DNA.

But when the scientists combine samples from Kirk’s butt, brain, and a hawk, the resulting effect is a handsome, living ass who immediately sweeps Kirk off of his feet over a candlelit dinner for two.

Kirk has finally found a lover that truly understands him at his very core… his own gay ass!

This erotic tale is 4,000 words of sizzling human on gay ass action, including anal, blowjobs, rough sex, cream pies and sentient butt love.

SPOILER ALERT: In the end, Kirk’s flying ass boyfriend magically grows a dick and fucks him. Now that is a real happy ending.

And when the Pulitzer Prize winners for 2015 are announced next year, I fully expect the committee to announce that Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt is the winner of every single category. The committee will then announce that they are shutting down and the Pulitzers will be no more, because nothing can ever be as great as this work of perfection.


Birthday Sluts

October 9, 2015 / Posted by:

PJ Harvey (46)
Bella Hadid (19)
Jodelle Ferland (21)
Scotty McCreery (22)
Tyler James Williams (23)
Spencer Grammer (32)
Colin Donnell (33)
Zachery Ty Bryan (34)
Chris O’Dowd (36)
Brandon Routh (36)
Randy Spelling (37)
Nicky Byrne (37)
Sean Lennon (40)
Steve Burns (42)
Jason Butler Harner (45)
Pete Docter (47)
Guillermo Del Toro (51)
Scott Bakula (61)
John O’Hurley (61)
Tony Shalhoub (62)
Sharon Osbourne (63)
Jackson Browne (67)
Nona Hendryx (71)
Fyvush Finkel (93)
John Lennon (1940-1980)

Pic: Style Rookie


Night Crumbs

October 8, 2015 / Posted by:

Prince Hot Ginge was given some special rugby boots with his name on them while visiting the Paignton Rugby Club. I have shoes just like that! Except mine say “Mr. Prince Harry” on them and I wear them with my “Husband of Prince Harry” half t-shirt and my customized ass-less sweats with the words “Property Of Hot Ginge” on the crotch. When I wear that outfit out, everybody gives me compliments. “I’m calling the police on you, you crazy fuck” is a compliment, right? – Lainey Gossip 

Ronda Rousey is going to pummel Justin Bieber until he’s a puddle of syrup and then she’s going to enjoy that syrup with a stack of pancakes. Yes, it’ll have a slight taste of dirty douche water, but Ronda will still enjoy it – The Superficial 

Meanwhile, the gay mafia hibernates in their den… – Towleroad

Kate Winslet is in lingerie in Esquire – Hollywood Tuna 

Bradley Cooper’s ex-beard is in Vogue BrazilDrunken Stepfather

This pig is on bath salts – The Berry 

Holly Madison thinks “Jessica” is a stripper name and also thinks having a stripper name is a bad thing – Celebitchy

In that orange dress, Cate Blanchett looks like a Three’s Company extra and I’m into it – Just Jared

Kiki Dunst’s dress looks like leather made from baby diarrhea – Popoholic

That pig’s side-eye says everything that needs to be said – SOW

Panty Creamer of the Day: Liam Hemsworth’s nipples – Popsugar

Backdoor Farrah is continuing to prove that her delusion knows no bounds – Reality Tea 

And Kelly Rutherford is continuing to prove that her gift for crying to the press knows no bounds – Jezebel

Nicole Brown’s dog is the lone star of the newest teaser for American Crime Story: The People vs O.J. Simpson OMG Blog

Kanye West totally designed RiRi’s album cover – Boy Culture 

Pic: Getty


Who Worked It Better: Phoebe Price vs. Miley Cyrus

October 8, 2015 / Posted by:

On the left is a ginger goddess of posing perfection wearing the finest custom-couture from the House of Saran Wrap and Walgreens, and on the right is some bottom tier trailer chipmunk trying to give us fashion and failing at it.

Phoebe Price started Slutoween off the right way by modeling more elegant and expensive versions of Miley Cyrus’ MTV VMA outfits. PP was shot by a world-renowned photographer (or a paparazzo she called, same thing) in one of the most exclusive photo studios in Paris (or her garage, same thing) for French Vogue (or French Guiana Penthouse, again, same thing). Comparing Chicken Cutlets and Miley Cyrus is like comparing a flawless rare diamond worth millions and a raccoon’s kidney stone. You know, that side-by-side picture should be used in mental health evaluations. The psychiatrist should hold up that picture and ask, “Who worked it better?” If the first letter that comes out of the patient’s mouth isn’t a P, they should be dragged off to a padded cell immediately!

Pics: Splash, Getty

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