The premiere of American Horror Story: Hotel was held last night in Los Angeles, and if I were to guess by these pictures of Lady Gaga serving up ten tons of I’m an actress now FACE on the red carpet, I’d say she was the star of this shit. Obviously that’s not true, since any cast that includes life legend Kathy Bates means that Kathy Bates is the star. (Note: This rule changes if Jessica Lange is on the call sheet, but since she’s not in AHS: Hotel., Kathy Bates takes her place). So really, Gaga needs to step aside and see if she can use those posing hands of hers to carry Kathy Bates’ purse or something.
Here’s more of Gaga doing her best version of Angelina Jolie at the Oscars (which ends up looking like Lady Gaga at a Real Housewives of New Jersey audition) at the AHS: Hotel premiere. I’ve also included everyone who was able to steal some of the spotlight from Gaga, because damn if they didn’t have to work their asses off for it, and they deserve some recognition for their efforts.
It’s been almost two months since Jennifer Aniston made Justin Theroux husband no. 2, and apparently they hadn’t been photographed together since before their wedding. Although to be honest, I wasn’t really checking. The Brangeloonies, however, were no doubt joyfully cackling that Jen and her sloppy seconds (you know they call him that) hadn’t been seen in public since they got married, and therefore were on a one-way train headed for divorce town.
Well, the Brangeloonies can rest assured that Jen and Justin are still totally together and not digging a grave for their marriage. Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux walked the red carpet of the season 2 premiere of The Leftovers in Austin last night. UsWeekly says that an eyewitness at the premiere gave them this EXTRA EXTRA hot tip scoop by telling them: “When Jen and Justin got out of the car, Justin’s body was angled toward Jen, almost protectively.” So for those of you wondering if Justin pushed Jen out of the way before yelling “Beep beep, move it or lose it” after they got out of the car, he did not.
I know I should be filing Jenniroux’s first sighting as Mr. and Mrs. away into a folder marked VERY IMPORTANT NEWS in my brain, but once again I can’t focus on anything besides Justin’s flare. Like…what is that belt. Are those studs? And is that a skinny leather tie? Maybe that’s why Jenny’s head is angled the way it is. She’s like “Just a little bit lower…a bit lower…is my hair covering the tie yet?”
Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux at the premiere of The Leftovers last night. I wish Justin had walked the red carpet in character and given us a heaping helping of lumpy trackpant bulge. THAT’S how you really make the most out of your first public appearance as couple!
Despite the fact that he spent most of a recent concert in New Zealand chugging booze straight from the bottle and sucking back joints (or as he calls them, grown-up juice and silly daddy cigarettes), Justin Bieber – seen above shotgunning a beer in an Instagram video posted three weeks ago – is sober. Or at least that’s what Justin’s famous friends would like you to think.
TMZ says the humanoid tied-off Spring Break condom known as Riff Raff came to Justin’s defense by claiming that Justin isn’t the out-of-control toddler he sometimes appears to be. According to Riff Raff, he and Diplo were hanging out with Justin last week at a recording studio in Hollywood and he was too busy polishing his halo to engage in any bad boy behavior with them. Riff Raff says he and Diplo were “fucked up“, but that Justin was just saying NO to all that shit. They later decided to go to a club, and Riff Raff says Justin was sober the whole time.
When asked about the footage of him acting like Lampwick at Pleasure Island in New Zealand last week, Riff Raff says he may have fallen off the Little Tykes wagon, but added that it was probably just a one-time thing.
Okay, first of all, how in the world would Riff Raff and Diplo even know if someone is sober? Diplo is too busy nervously looking over his shoulders for Taylor Swift’s sugar cookie soldiers and starting shit with tweens on Twitter to notice if Justin slipped some hooch into his sippy cup. And Riff Raff – I mean, would Riff Raff even be able to recognize what “sober” is? Riff Raff’s sober is a regular person’s messy as fuck (or a Lohan’s buzzed).
Maybe TMZ should have asked Riff Raff to be more specific. He never said what they were “fucked up” on. “I was snorting lines of osteoporosis pills cut with Scrubbing Bubbles, but I swear Justin didn’t touch any of it.”
Here’s the poster boy of sobriety climbing a boat in Australia last week. Yeah, that’s totally something a not-high person does.
Then again, it’s not exactly hard. You just squint your eyes, react to every question as if you caught a whiff of a stinky steak fart, and call everyone a “LEW-sur.” But Hillary Clinton is doing the future presidential hustle, so it’s not surprising that she yanked at Donald Trump’s stale cotton candy weave on SNL last night.
Just like the last time she was trying to tip-toe into the White House, Hillary Clinton made a surprise appearance in a sketch about Hillary Clinton (played by Kate McKinnon), but this time she didn’t play herself. She played a bartender named Val, who…was pretty much just Hillary Clinton. Still, it wasn’t the worst. Especially when Hillary vanishes at the end and leaves nothing but a “hard tan business shoe” behind.
Plus she got in a sloppy impression of Donald Trump, and that’s never a bad thing. Donald Trump impressions are like pizza and sex; even when they’re bad, they’re still pretty good. It was actually the second one of the night; the show opened with Taran Killam and Cecily Strong as Donald and his gorgeous wife Melania Trump. But we won’t talk about that, because I’m still sore over how dirty they did Melania (the impression is NOTHING unless you commit 100% to Melania’s squinty-eyed frozen-faced glamour).
Obviously, the best part was the return of Darrell Hammond as Bill Clinton at the 3:50 mark. I actually would have loved if the camera followed him out of the bar. Where did Bill go? That’s the sketch I want to see! What am I saying? Bill totally went to Hooters.
Don’t worry, that giant hair clog you fished out of the shower drain didn’t come to life; it’s actually Miley Cyrus just looking like one while performing on Saturday Night Live last night. Everybody’s favorite hollerin’ high-billy was the host of the 41st season premiere of SNL and – this will be shocking to absolutely no one – Miley went full Miley. Sorry, that’s not technically true; she didn’t “accidentally” flash her nipples or rub her pickled pork rinds against the Weekend Update desk. But she did look a mess and brag about smoking ~so much~ weed like your badass 14 year old cousin, so that’s just about full Miley to me.
In case you missed it (“I wouldn’t say I missed it” said everyone), the Moonshine Princess sang two songs off her Miley Cyrus & Her Dead Petz album, the first of which she performed while dressed in some home-made “Cousin Itt at Burning Man” couture. You can watch that here, but I will warn you: you will feel very itchy.
Damn, Aidy Bryant does a better Kim Davis than Kim Davis. Speaking of, I’m sure that delusional bitch has already sent out a blast mail from her GeoCities account to all her friends letting them know that she was totally invited to SNL last night.
Of course, it wasn’t all Miley (despite her best efforts); SNL also came for Taylor Swift’s chronic friend collecting. Well, there goes Mango’s chance of ever being please welcome to the stage‘d by Tay Tay. Lorne Michaels, how could you? You know he would have loved that.
In case your eyes haven’t seen enough of Miley looking like drugs farted on high-fructose corn syrup, here’s Miley wearing the contents of my favorite sticker book from third grade at the SNL afterparty:
The iconic black and white bow dress that Kelly and Brenda wore their junior year to the Spring Dance in season 1 of Beverly Hills, 90210!
25 years ago today, the first episode of The Brenda Walsh Hour of Extravaganza (aka Beverly Hills, 90210) aired and it introduced us youngins, who had never seen Little House on the Prairie or Heathers, to the bad bitch greatness of Shannen Doherty! Beverly Hills, 90210 turns 25 today (which means all of us are old bitches and it’s only a matter of time before our bones turn to dust) and Lifetime did the show wrong on the eve of its birthday by spitting all over its beautiful memory.
Lifetime aired the Unauthorized Beverly Hills, 90210 movie last night and I had hoped they’d give us some juicy messiness, but they didn’t give us that. Everything I knew about 90210 was in Lifetime’s movie. They didn’t give any new information! Instead of doing a 90210 movie, they should’ve done a Shannen Doherty biopic. Because 95% of their 90210 movie was about Shannen’s bad bitch antics and it ended with her leaving the show. They didn’t even bother showing what happened after Shannen Doherty left, and I do agree with that decision, because who cares about a post-Brenda 90210?
The 90210 movie was filled with many inaccuracies, but the most offensive one was their screw-up of the legendary Spring Dance dress. One of the most iconic moments in Beverly Hills, 90210 history was when that jealous piece of boiled limp asparagus Kelly Taylor wore the exact same Spring Dance dress as Brenda Walsh. Kelly looked like a bratty little girl playing dress up while Brenda Walsh gave us “50-something Republican First Lady” glamour.
Anyway, Lifetime’s movie featured the filming of the Spring Dance, but they messed up an extremely important fact. In their version, Kelly Taylor and Brenda Walsh wear different colors of the same dress. I mean, what in the hell is this? (Side note: Cousin Emily from the 90210 reboot played Jennie Garth in the Lifetime movie and she should really get a DNA test, because there’s a 100% chance that she’s the secret daughter that Jennie Garth gave up years ago. They’re twins.)
I get that Lifetime probably couldn’t recreate the same exact dress that Kelly and Brenda wore in the original, because I’m sure that dress design has been trademarked and is currently the headlining piece at the Smithsonian. But they should’ve at least made Kelly and Brenda wear identical dresses in the same color. I mean, how can I believe anything in that 90210 movie when they mess up one of the most important details? That’s like making a movie about the Civil War and changing the Gettysburg Address to the Jersey City Address. The government should charge Lifetime with treason for messing that up. Oh, Lifetime, I hate you, never talk to me again!
But I will forgive Lifetime if they make a Shannen Doherty biopic starring Shannen Doherty. It’s clear that’s what the world wants and needs right now. And on that note, Happy 90210 Day, everyone!
Susan Sarandon (69)
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Kimmie Meisner (26)
Lil Mama (26)
Rich Homie Quan (26)
Melissa Benoist (27)
Lena Katina, formerly of t.A.T.u. (31)
Rachael Leigh Cook (36)
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Liev Schreiber (48)
John Melendez (50)
Micky Ward (50)
Jon Secada (54)
Chris Lowe (56)
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Bill Fagerbakke (58)
Russell Simmons (58)
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Tcheky Karyo (62)
Armand Assante (66)
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Brynn Thayer (66)
Linda McMahon (67)
Anne Rice (74)
Jackie Collins (1937-2015)
Looking hot’s arch nemesis Jared Leto is currently in Paris for Paris Fashion Week. And because Jared Leto is an artsy type who loves couture and looking a mess, he decided to stroll down la rue wearing what can only be described as what happens when fashion gets a rough case of food poisoning after eating some questionable buffet shrimp. I see a cape blanket thing, I see a tie-dye t-shirt, I see leggings, I see random zippers, I see more colors than an acid trip. I also see some greasy bubblegum pink Manic Panic hair buffoonery on the head of a 43 year old man, but I love my brain too much to start questioning why that is happening.
But back to that outfit. Suicide Squad wrapped filming back in August, so I have no idea why Jared Leto is still dressing like The Joker. Actually, no. The Joker wouldn’t. This is more like The Joker’s younger brother, The Jester (spelled Jesstyr, of course), who dropped out of Gotham Villain School to become an aspiring stylist in whatever Gotham’s version of Brooklyn is. I’m joking, but we all know that
if when Hollywood decides to reboot Suicide Squad four years from now for the Instagram generation, that will totally be the plot.
If you’re a ho (or a ho at heart) who woke up with a little extra pep in your step this morning, this would be the reason why. The Amber Rose SlutWalk was held in downtown Los Angeles earlier today by proud slut type Amber Rose to celebrate a slut’s choice to be a shameless tramp. Well, technically it’s a walk to fight against “sexual injustice, victim blaming, derogatory labeling and gender inequality” according to the Amber Rose SlutWalk website. But I can’t imagine she’d have a problem with my description of it, because there’s no shame in the tramp game.
To be completely honest, I am SHOCKED that this is what Amber Rose wore to the SlutWalk. This is downright demure compared to Amber Rose’s usual wardrobe. I was fully expecting her to march through the streets wearing nothing but a set of nipple pasties and a g-string made from a single piece of dental floss. Although I can’t totally hate on that black satin slip thing, because it looks like something Vampirella would wear to her great uncle’s funeral after her friends assured her it was modest enough, and that’s a pretty good look.
Of course, if seeing Amber Rose dressed in her boudoir best isn’t enough to warm your heart, please enjoy this picture of Amber Rose’s mama ripping a hot slutty fart all over Kanye West.
In case you’ve forgotten, “Fuck yo 30 showers” is a reference to the time Kanye hissed that he had to take 30 showers after he left Amber and got with Kim Kardashian. Sadly, Amber’s mom’s message will never reach Kanye, since Kanye’s assistant Kim will no doubt keep getting distracted by the exclamation point every time she tries to read it (“It’s my favorite cause it looks like a dick!“).
Here’s more of Amber Rose at the Amber Rose SlutWalk. Also, Nick Cannon was there. Sure, why not.
Eight months ago, Robin Williams’ kids found themselves in a truly awkward position after their stepmother (and Robin Williams’ wife of three years) Susan Williams started getting greedy and trying to grab more money from their part of their father’s will. At the time, Susan was pulling an “I don’t know them” every time Zachary, Zelda, and Cody Williams pulled up to the front gate to collect the stuff their dad left to them in his will, which is always a classy move. Well, eight months later, Page Six says that Susan and the Williams kids have finally reached a settlement.
According to Susan’s lawyer, Susan gets to keep the San Francisco Bay Area home that she shared with Robin and will get enough money to maintain the house for the rest of her life. No word on whether that’s Swiffer cloth cash or a full-time housekeeper cash, but I’m assuming it’s the latter. Susan also gets one of Robin’s watches, a bike they bought on their honeymoon, and all their wedding presents. Somewhere in a home in the San Francisco Bay Area, Susan’s lawyer is Photoshopping the words “$16.8 million dollars, Item No. 4528L” onto a Crate & Barrel gift receipt.
Page Six says both sides are happy with the outcome of the settlement, and the only thing left is for a judge to give it the OK. Zachary, Zelda, and Cody’s lawyer adds: “I think they’re just very happy to have this behind them.” I’d like to think that was shade, but it’s probably just the truth.
So there we go. The ghost of Robin Williams can finally sleep peacefully at night knowing his family isn’t fighting over petty shit anymore. Now he can start focusing on more important things, like reenacting episodes of Mork & Mindy with the ghost of Jonathan Winters for the angels in Heaven (please don’t try to convince me that’s not what he’s doing, it’s what I want to believe).