Words Of Wisdom From Justin Bieber: He Is Not A Taco

September 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above posing as a constipated Douchedini, Justin Bieber did a cover interview with Complex magazine where he naturally burped up a few insufferable dingles. Such as, the Biebs doesn’t think that whole assholetastic “pissing in a janitor bucket” move was a big deal, because the “dude at the club” told him he could do it since the bathroom was far away. But it’s his words about Jesus, Christianity and the universe that really prove to us that he’s not just a little popped anus pimple that refuses to heal. He’s also a spiritual philosopher and deep, deep thinker.

The Biebs is at the point in his 21 years of life when he’s just going to be The Biebs and leave it up to God. Judging by his comments about the “big bang theory,” I’m guessing his God is found at the bottom of a bong. (Mine too!)

I can just trust that God got this under control. That’s where I’m at. I’m the type of dude who always wants to figure it out. Science makes a lot of sense. Then I start thinking—wait, the “big bang.” For a “big bang” to create all this is more wild to think about than thinking about there being a God. Imagine putting a bunch of gold into a box, shaking up the box, and out comes a Rolex. It’s so preposterous once people start saying it.

You know, I watched Cosmos all the way through and I still didn’t get the whole “big bang” thing until Justin Bieber’s Rolex metaphor. Neil deGrasse Tyson, who?

The Biebs went on to say that he grew up Christian and he’s still a Christian, but he’s not trying to shove his Christianity down anyone’s throat, because that’s not very Jesus-ey. And the Biebs is trying to live like Jesus, but he’s not trying to be Jesus, because that would involve him getting rid of all of  his material possessions and he likes Rolexes too much.

I think that people, as soon as they start hearing me saying I’m a Christian, they’re like, “Whoa Justin, back up, take a step back.” Also, I do not want to shove this down anyone’s throat. I just wanna honestly live like Jesus. Not be Jesus—I could never—I don’t want that to come across weird. He created a pretty awesome template of how to love people and how to be gracious and kind. If you believe it, he died for our sins. Sometimes when I don’t feel like doing something, but I know it’s right, I remember, I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t feel like going to the cross and dying so that we don’t have to feel what we should have to feel.

The Biebs got into Christianity some more. He said that Christians leave a bad taste in the mouths of many (Side note: I hooked up with a dude named Christian once and he did need to drink more pineapple juice, so the Biebs is right), because many of them feel like you have to do certain things to be a Christian. The Biebs doesn’t feel that way, and then he said the greatest thing he’s ever said.

Like I said before, Christians leave such a bad taste in people’s mouths, even myself. I was like, I’m not gonna go to church. I had these church friends and I was like, you guys are cool, I like you guys, but I’m not going to church. Then it was the same thing of, just because you went to a weird church before doesn’t mean that this is weird. It doesn’t make you a Christian just by going to church. I think that going to church is fellowship, it’s relationship, it’s what we’re here on the earth to do, to have this connection that you feel there’s no insecurities. I think that’s where we need to be. Like I said, you don’t need to go to church to be a Christian. If you go to Taco Bell, that doesn’t make you a taco.

I swear, he’s smoking the same shit that Jaden Smith smokes and he needs to keep smoking it, because it’s obviously taking him to a higher (keyword “higher“) plane of consciousness where magnificent thoughts like the taco one enter his brain. Never mind that Justin Bieber is a human version of a Taco Bell taco (cheesy and gives you the runs), that is a perfect quote. That belongs in the Bible. I fully expect Pope Francis, the Dalai Lama and other spiritual leaders to turn in their resignation letter, because we don’t need them now that we have Justin Bieber, the Poop Pope of the Church of Tacos!

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